And We All Float On...

Yeah, that score looks about right. I'll retake the Life Quiz in a Month and see how I'm doing.

I wonder if they make Ecstacy in a long-lasting, continuous IV drip form.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.2
Mind:	5.4
Body:	7.1
Spirit:	5
Friends/Family:	4.6
Love:	1.4
Finance:	3.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Go ahead, rate your life. If it's lower than mine I will buy you a drink.

And we can make a toast. "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to all of life's problems."*


* That was either Socrates or Homer Simpson.

2-4-6-8 - Bathroom time is really great!

Women alaways go off to the bathroom together, so what's the big deal?

They were just trying to keep morale up. I believe that's their job.

As both a sports fan, and a supporter of womens rights, I find the actions against these women to be excessive and positively un-European.

Cheerleaders promoting sex. What is this world coming to?

Triple-Tagged

I have been Tagged. Not once, but thrice. Bevis, Surlyboy and now Gun street girl. It's like a loving pinch of attention. I'm getting more action than a short-skirted tourist in Italy.

My new adoptive Australian big sister was kind enough to put my name on the tag.

Well I'm not sure what you're expecting to get from an emotionally wounded Krankiboy but here you are.

I have been Tagged. This means I must share 20 things about myself and then tag five other people. I'm a team player.

1) The other day while talking to a friend on my cell phone I panicked that I had misplaced my cell phone and told my friend to "hold on a sec I think I lost my cell phone. I have had a lot a lot of shit on my mind but that's still pretty brain dead under any circumstances.

2) I was the kid who was told not to trip because my shoelaces were untied and ignored the advice and then tripped on my laces and broke my nose on a flight of marble steps.

3) I have written a kids book about animals that may actually get published.

4) I went on my very first date at age 9 and my second date at age 17.

5) In elementary school I was known as the bully-killer due to my ability to fight with hyper-active ferocity.

6) Despite my "quirks" I am a very nurturing person who loves animals, kids and plants.

7) I have no patience to learn how to play an instrument but I truly wish that I could learn to play guitar.

8) Nearly every woman I have broken up with has almost immediately put on 15-20 lbs. Be warned you strumpets.

9) I can't swim. Will you please teach me?

10) My parents were never married which makes me a genuine "bastard"

11) I get cravings for healthy food like some people crave junk food.

12) I think that 20 things are too many things to list and that people will surely grow bored of reading somewhere in the teens unless there is something sexy or disturbing made up and thrown in to hold their interest.

13) I used to have a drug dealer who I got stuff from but then he died. We think it was probably from taking too many drugs.

14) I know the man who holds the record for being the World's Fastest Backwards Talker. It's really freaking impressive! Ti rof drow ym ekat retteb srekcuf- rehtom.

15) The investigators on the case never found enough of the body to prove it was me that killed that pregnant Hooker in Nashville. She totally started it.

16) My favorite TV shows when I was a kid were the A-Team, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Incredible Hulk, Threes Company, Monty Python, The Fall Guy, and The Smurfs.

17) I have a nasty fear of heights and if you intentionally try to scare me with a fake push or if you get to close to the edge. I will become nervous, punch you in the arm, and it will hurt.

18) I dearly love my grandmother but I once spit on her because she did not let me put the coins into the automatic toll booth basket. 27 was a tough age for me.

19) My greatest goal in life is to be an exceptional father and raise happy kids.

20) Lastly, I think I may have died at sea in a past life.

So I reluctantly tag Sherriff, because anybody who posts a picture of their cock on their blog probably doesn't mind sharing personal info. I tag Anna A Spades, because when she turns 18 she and I are going to get married so I can get Australian citizenship. Shhhhhssh. Oh and also we're very, very, very, much in love. Quirkie gets my tag because she usually has something pithy to say. Tuppence, because of that amazing night we spent in Buenos Aries. I still have the burn from the candle wax. And I tag Magical_M. You're all it! No tag backs.

A Kranki Oasis

She's real damn it!


The Krankiboy KhroniclesRecent Visitors by Location
Detail
Country
Location
#81
Saudi Arabia Riyadh, Ar Riyad

Can I just say I think it's cool that somebody in Saudia Arabia is a regular reader of my blog. I hope it's a wealthy princess who has been taugh 625 secret sensual methods to make a man climax. Hell, I'm not demanding. I'd even settle for an heiress who knew just 408 ways. Actually just some lovely lady who could buy me dinner and then order me to massage her silken igloo would be fine. But it's probably not a Saudi princess. It's more likely to be some brawny, eunic guard with a sharp and massive scimitar. Kinda like the dude from that Bugs Bunny cartoon. Remember the one where Bugs and Daffy get lost on the way to Pismo Beach and find the Sultan's Treasure? Good times. Bugs, Daffy and I had some good times.

I am off to Australia at the end of November and I am as excited as I am poor. However I have always relied on the kindness of talented and sexy bloggers. Thanks sexy bloggers. This orphan is thankful that you will be giving me a roof. I'd have settled for just a rufie to kill the pain, but you have to keep the fans happy*. God damn world tours.

This hemisphere can kiss my grits.

*intentional pomposity for reverse self-depricating effect.

The End is Near!!!

God Bless this Mess

Sorry to be the glass-is-half-empty guy but it's really starting to look like the Apocalypse is fast approaching. Judgment Day may soon be upon us.

Now I should mention that under normal circumstances I am in no way a religious man. Here are some of my reasons:

I don’t believe in God or Allah or Buddha or Jesus, or Mortimer the stuffed Hedgehog of Supreme Divinity.

I don’t like the idea of any temple or church that grew rich on the backs of its poor followers by scaring them into obedience. It’s Afterlife Peer Pressure. “Do you want your flesh to forever burn in Hell or do you want to fly around the clouds with wings and a cool gold harp?

I am not big on following rules written thousands of years ago to make my life incredibly inconvenient. There are enough fucking rules in life already. I do however enjoy getting the occasional Jewish Holiday off. Thank you Jews.

Religion and religious conflicts are responsible for more wars and death and conflicts than anything on earth with the possible exception of disease. “What?! They have Different Ideas?! That’s evil, kill them all!”

I much prefer how Science uses observable facts to draw conclusions instead of an old fable about Adam, Eve, a snake, and an apple.

Last Weekend the Baby Jesus and I went out drinking and he got completely wasted and drunkenly admitted to me that IT was all a big scam. He then apologized, quickly paid the bill and took off with that skanky waitress.

Anytime I have put my faith in someone or something important I’ve been disappointed.

I don’t think that talking to a pedophile in a dark, little, booth should somehow wash away your sins.

Okay, now despite all these reasons I still look around at the world right now and I can’t believe what is going on. Is the End of the World approaching? Pardon the pun but Armageddon very concerned with what’s happening.

In just the past few years there has been a giant tsunami that took out well over a quarter of a million people. Terrorist attacks have occurred all over the globe. There’s been a sharp rise in the number of suicide bomber jobs. Rampant genocide continues in many parts of Africa. A record number of massive hurricanes have battered the United States. An imbecile is the Commander in Chief of the free world. The United States has started a pointless and endless war with another country and the world at large hates us for it. And most recently Earthquakes have claimed thousands of lives.

As for me personally… I’ve seen both of my promising career paths sputter into stagnant pools of dried drool and my once very happy marriage recently crumbled to dust faster than you can say selfish cunt.


People wake up! The Earth is mad at us. Mother Nature is PMS-ing and she’s riding that rag hard. If there is a God Our Father entity then he clearly has the attitude of a bratty child holding a magnifying glass over a cluster of helpless ants.

My best advice is to grab hold of the nearest religion you can find and start humping its leg like there’s no tomorrow. If that doesn’t pan out for you then please save me a good seat next to either the fiery brimstone or the pit of eternal damnation.

Whatever you do... DON'T name it.

It's starting to look less likely that I got the teaching job that I wanted very badly. I even put on my fancy suit and put product in my hair and spoke articulately and passionately and thoughtfully and I limited myself to one swear word per sentence. Perhaps I'll start a new life. Ideally it would be in a galaxy far, far away. It's all just too much to think about.

With Penny hitting me in the back of the head with a shovel it's been hard to get my mind clear enough to make any decisions.

What do I do with this little black Chihuahua pup that my dogs found hiding behind the recycle bins? He's here and he's offering me 6lbs and 2 ounces of unconditional love but 3 dogs without a yard for them to romp in is difficult and my dogs get a bit jealous and depressed if they don't get enough attention. It's easy to juggle two balls but three takes some effort. I'm leaning towards giving him away but right now I need all the friends I can find. I really want to give him away if it's a friend or somebody where I can visit him. He's a cool little dude, good personality, likes to cuddle. I think I made the crucial mistake of naming him. You'd think I would've learned my lesson about forming attachments but I still went ahead and named him 8-ball.

I know exactly just how he feels.

He's adjusting fairly well considering the recent traumatic experience of being abandoned by the people he loves and becoming lost in a big strange world.

Fortunately little 8-ball is adapting to his new situation even better than I am.

Halloween in LA 2005

Halloween had always been my favorite holiday. It's pagan, you dress up, you drink too much, you get to ride in a cab, people let their guard down, you get to see cool costumes... And best of all even the reserved young women will dress up in "naughty" costumes. Naughty Nurses, Ninjas, Cheerleaders, Devils, Angels, Construction Workers, Bankers, French Maids, Firewomen... This year I even saw a woman dressed up as Naughty Avian Bird Flu. At first she claimed she was just Avian Bird Flu, but I explained that Avian Bird flew doesn't have cleavage and black short shorts. And it seems to be getting more scandalous each year. On Halloween people here just flat out want attention and exposed flesh is a quick way to get it.

I was going to blog about how I met Penny on Halloween five years ago and I could go into more detail but who really wants to hear me get all nostalgic for happier times? I certainly don't. I think I'll look forward to happier times.

So I don't know what to do with myself tonight. I already went out and did the party hopping costume thing on Saturday night. Plus my head is clogged up with "nostalgia."

I remember now. You know those people who come in costume and get a bit too caught up playing the character or person they are dressed as? Those people need to relax. It's cool for somebody dressed as Jesus to introduce themselves in character but after a few minutes pass it's not cool to start shouting about how you are going to turn the hot tub water into wine.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

The last three weeks have been a complete mind fuck. My wife and I have separated which may or may not be a good thing. Neither of us really knows for sure.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what happened?" Well, The Wizard seduced her away from me. I couldn't compete with that kind of Mo Jo. Can you really blame her? He's a spell-craftin' stud. The Wizard has it all going on. What has he got that I haven't got? Man, it is a long mother fucking list. Chicks really go for his shiny robes and the tales of mystical wonder. Plus I think he put something in her drink. But, fair or not, the better man has won and I graciously acknowledge defeat. My wife Penny is only human after all. Frankly, I think the Wizard can probably do better, but as long as they're happy together thats all that matters. I hope he treats her well and doesn't string her along and then dump her like he did to that Mermaid Princess.

You're probably wondering where my anger is? I should be furious with both of them, right? Trust shattered, marital bonds ripped apart... I just don't want dwell in that negative head space, you know?

Although it would be nice if The Wizard stopped calling and putting me on speakerphone whenever he and Penny are going at it.

That seems a bit excessive.

Fun + Onions =

These are Funyuns.

They're a bit like onions except obviously their way more fun. Although you can probably play a game of catch with an actual onion.

We live on a strange planet.

Wizard in the House!

News of my death* by digestion has been greatly exaggerated. I'm totally fine. No way The Wizard would choose to eat me over a freshly heated box of frozen pizza bagels. He even let me have a few. He's a good guy. Some of you people have said some mean things. I want you to know The Wizard is a guest in my home. Granted, it's not been exactly what I hoped for... yet. But please, in the future, I hope that you can give him the respect that a Warlock of his stature deserves. I think he's earned it.

I'm still excited that The Wizard teleported into my life. He's there with wisdom and answers during this tough patch in my life. He offered me hope with a mere wave of his magic wand.**

True, The Wizard hasn't actually done any conjuring for me but I have to say it's just comforting to know that I have a powerful sorcerer and wizened scholar of the world right by my side. When is the last time a master of the dark arts appeared at your door when you needed an emotional boost in your life? Yeah, that's what I thought.

He told some fascinating (true) tales of otherworldly events and encounters that had my mind spinning with amazement. I think the second day of the Wiz's visit was basically fine except for the fact that he turned every conversation to matters of a carnal nature. I didn't know the answers to his questions. I didn't know where he could go to hook up with a "Latina honey-ho" that could "stiffen his "man-staff." I feared that I had not proven myself worthy of his enchanted intervention in my life. He started to swear and sweat even more than he normally did and he sent me out on a mini-quest to get him some "Hearty Dwarven Stout, or a Robust Mead" to calm aura."

When I came back from 7-Eleven with just a 12-pack of beer and a bottle of Absolut Vodka, he was not pleased. He starting getting verbally abusive and the skin under his chin became flushed. I apologized effusively and after some pouting and muttering The Wizard reluctantly tried the metal canister of "unworthy beverage." He seemed to like it and I was relieved.

After he had pounded down a few of the beers his voice got a bit slurry and he began hugging me a bit more than seemed necessary. He asked me if I wanted to see a taste of his magic. I got goosebumps in anticipation. The the Wizard quickly downed the rest of his beer made a quick magic gesture and extended index finger. His look of intensity made me think that perhaps a bolt of lightening might shoot out from his hand. He commanded me to tug upon his digit. Then he let out a wet fart. It wasn't what I was expecting but the volume it reached was definitely impressive. I think perhaps I am gaining The Wizard's trust. I need to go run out and get him some Oreo cookies and Funyons right now. Perhaps they're ingredients for a dazzling spell. I hope so! More later.

Oh and the Wizard just called to me from the bathtub. He says he's ready to answer any and all of your questions with his ancient and mystic wisdom.

** Sorry not "wand." I mean to say staff. The Wizard says "wand" makes him sound like "a friggin' gaylord pufter."

* News of my death has been widely reported all over the internet. And when I say "all over the internet" I mean three comments in my blog post.

Let's Get Wizzy

The Wizard has just astounded me again by miraclously eating a quart of Ben and Jerry's Raw Cookie Dough ice cream and falling asleep on my couch. The man is gifted. Also the wizard has asked me several times "Where are all the fly Puerto Rican' honnies are at?" Does anybody know what he means??? I don't want him to get mad and do something to me. He's waking up! I g2g. la8!
kb

Behold! Tiz the Wizard!

Behold! For it tiz the Grand Master himself. The being know only as... "The Wizard!" He has come to make right all that is wrong in your meager and pathetic world.


Yes. Rejoice mortals! The wizard is here to solve your problems. From the very enormous to the quite small the Grand Master can fix them all.


So what troubles weigh you down? Is your problem that...


Your political approval rating is in the toilet? Show The Wizard how high the fecal waters of turmoil have risen.

Are you just just not able to meet...


skanky chicks that peel off their panties for anybody who'll buy them a drink?


Maybe you're having trouble with little lady?

Or...

Does it seem that everybody has more bling than you do?


Maybe you're looking to find a new hobby that stimulates you.



Are you being harassed by the gang at your local coffee shop?




Are you just trying way too hard to reveal your outer beauty?



Maybe you need a sexy date for the prom.




Do you just want to meet new and interesting friends?




Or maybe you're in trouble with the LAW.




Have you snagged your braces on your new friend's zipper?




Are people not taking you seriously?



Have The Forces of Darkness taken possession of your soul?




Maybe you don't know what to do with the girl you keep trapped in your bathroom.



Perhaps you're expecting a new baby?!



Or maybe the baby you already have just needs a new toupee?



Perhaps your upstairs neighbors are being too noisy?




Maybe you really need to get out of the house more.


Maybe you're feeling tired lethargic and....

*sigh*


Maybe you're embarrassed that the girls on the plane laughed when you exposed your penis.




Are you looking for just the right pet?


Are your coworkers not showing you enough respect?



Are you tired of night after night of meaningless threesomes?




Is your father's drinking becoming a problem?


Is that hit of acid you took taking you on a bad trip?


Have you been ensnared by narcotics?



Are you worried that your kid may want to try drugs?



Is there nobody who shares your passion to perform "Soul Man: the Musical!"?




Perhaps you're uncomfortable now that your nudist Uncle has moved in with you?



Or maybe you just feel robbed of your dignity.



Well friend... Have no fear. No matter what your problem may be, The Wizard is here to make it all better. Embrace his power. Tell him your troubles and let this humble blog be a portal to his powers.... A means of seeking his council and words of wisdom.


For if you believe in the Wizard, he will believe in you. With a wave of his mighty magic staff and a gaze through his mystically mystic Blue Blockers he can tell you the solution that will make all your problems melt away.

You'll feel safe, secure and contented once more.



Nestled snugly in the ample bosom of tranquility.

So, dear friend, don't fret or fear. Simply tell The Wizard what is it that troubles you.

Fan Mail

We all love to see people reading our blogs. Just thought I'd take a minute to say hello to all my readers who go out of their way to inspire me to keep blogging like a hyper-active little boy in a superhero outfit who desperately craves attention.

Here are just some of the special comments and kudos I have received lately.

"Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you."

Well, thanks for the very heartfelt coments.

Alot of interesting comments on this blog, I was searching for some doctor related info and some how came across this site. I found it pretty cool, so I bookmarked. I'll really liked the second post on the front page, that got my attention.My site is in a bit different area, but just as useful. I have a bigger enlargement penis penis pills.com size related site focusing on bigger enlargement penis penis pills.com size and mens health related topics.

Yeah, that "second post on the front page" sure is super dooper. I could see how you might have easily mistaken The Krankiboy Khronicles for a medical journal and continued to read on looking for relevant information. Your blog sounds totally awesome and unique too. I'll absolutely have to visit your site the next time I attempt to enlarge my penis. The homemade pump I made from a pickel jar and toilet plunger just dont seem to be working.

Hello, I just wanted to post a comment on how well you have put your Blog together. I was doing a search for prescription facial hair removal and came across your Blog. I personally run my own Blog for prescription facial hair removal so I know a good Blog when I see one.

Anybody interested in knows about facial hair removal would naturally be drawn to my like a moth to a flame thrower. Thanks for the kind words. Your blog sounds like a truly fascinating read.

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you! I have a ##KEYWORD## site/blog. It pretty much covers ##KEYWORD## related stuff.Come and check it out if you get time :-)lowering cholesterol

Dear Lowering Cholesterol,
Delighted that you visited my site. What a wacky screen name you have! I will absolutely check out your blog as I am a huge fan of keywords. I feel that they are often the most important words in a sentence and serve as a sort of "key" to understanding what something is about.
It's always nice to get praise from such a dedicated blogger.

Wow, what a great site. I will bookmark this site and return often. It's nice to see sites like this.Please visit my website and let me know what you think. Disney Tickets

Dear Mr. or Ms. Tickets, I'm sooo glad you like my site, it's a nice to get feedback from somebody who takes the time to really explore my blog. I was wondering if you get spammer comments in your email. Many of my friends have complained that they get tons of spam on their blogs, but I have been fortunate enough to attract true fans like yourself. Also thanks for sending me those 15 comments yesterday and 18 comments today. You might have accidentally hit send a few dozen times cuz all the comments were exactly the same. Ooopsie. :~)

Thank you to all of my brand new fans. Knowing you all enjoy my posts fills me with warm tinglies inside.

- Krankiboy

* This post was not spell-checked to draw attention to the sensless occupation and war in Vietnam-- I mean Iraq.

Rude Awakening

I crashed at my friend's place last night. I was up before my friend Ryan and his wife Alyssa woke up and I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and then bored with nothing to do, I brushed my teeth again and waited around a bit more for them to get up. You don't want to knock on the bedroom door of a married couple who has been kind enough to let you become unconscious on their futon. You run the risk of interrupting a saucy sesion of "The Naughty Waitress and the Fry Cook." In that way, the marital bedroom is a bit like an ancient Indian Burial Ground. "Where none shall tread uninvited." At least that's what the sign says on the ancient Indian burial ground near my apartment. The one near you may have slightly different rules.

So I am trapped with no means of transportation and sitting in the livingroom. I could have done the "Oops-did-I-turn-the-TV-on-too-loud" thing. But that's rather juvenile. Just as I was starring out into space and trying to mind meld with the couch there was VERY LOUD POUNDING on the front door. It was the sort of knock that barbarian invaders might make to attempt to batter down a castle wall. It was jarring and I imediately worried that my hosts would think I was the source of the pounding. I quickly went to the door and answered it. I put on my best butler voice and said "Mmmyessss, may I help you?" I almost choked on my tongue when I saw the beastly woman at the door. She was in her early sixties or perhaps she was a woman in her thirties exposed to intense radiation and was now seeking my help. She looked like she might have applied her make up in complete darkness. She had this ultra-bright, bleached blonde hair cut in long, long bangs pasted against her forehead. She actualy reminded me of the scary lady from the movie Goonies in a ratty blond wig. She had on a T-shirt that said "PACT" and wore heinous turquoise sweatpants that were... well they were not fresh from the dryer. And after my eyes were able to adjust properly I noticed that she also had an accessory with her. It was a very well dressed, slightly embarrassed and perplexed 11-year-old hispanic boy. He said nothing. She spoke to me in a gravelly voice with a huge manic clown smile on her face. "Aaare you the man of the house?" I told her, "No, I'm just a house guest." The hispanic mute blinked in confusion. Her fake smile drooped a bit as she told me (at 9AM on a Saturday)that she worked for a foundation to help children with cancer. She asked if I could make a donation to help them out. Which I interpreted as "Jesus Christ I rented this latino kid, so the least you can do is gimme a few bucks to buy whiskey."

I told her I couldn't help her out and her semi-smile turned into a witch sneer and then her smile vanished instantly. She and her hench-boy quickly hurried off before I could thank them for rousing my host and hostess.

I really hope that they aren't a legit charity.

A lot more has been going on in my life but it's not at all remotely funny so it's not blogworthy. There is a big furry dog staring at me here in this strange kitchen/office nook where I am typing. I am in dire need of a hearty dose of unconditional love right now so... sold.

*This blog has not been spell-checked to advocate protest against the war in Iraq.

First Grade Friday

I had a one day sub job for a rambunctious first grade class last Friday. By the end of the 6 hour day I truly felt as if I had put in an entire week of work. I must say that the crap that kids learn in first grade is really freaking boring. Spelling Dot, hot, pot, got, and the bonus word... "you."

There was one little kid who took any opportunity to comment on anything anybody said. Motor Mouth. MM for short. He also like to tell me about his "adventures."

MM: "And Mr. Kranki, the other day I saved the airport from the bad guys and went with the firemen after it exploded."

Me: "Really, that's impressive. Cool."

MM: "And after it all exploded... it exploded again, like, 16 times!"

Me: "How does something explode 16 times? Once it explodes isn't that usually it?"

MM: "Yeah, it was dangerous and explody but I helped the firemen and policemen."

Me: "That's good that you didn't explode."

MM: "Yeah they made me a special protection suit so I could wear it for stopping explosions."

Me: "How come I didn't hear about the airport exploding on the news?"

MM: "(long pause, thinks) Because we saved it. And all the people who almost died... didn't die."

Me: "That makes you a brave hero."

MM: "Yay, I know. They thanked me. Plus they gave me a lot of the special airport money."

Me: "So it sounds like it was a really good movie?"

MM: "Yeah it was... No, it wasn't a movie. Because I did it."

Me: "Wow. I think you fight crime better than most sixth graders I know."

MM: "Yeah, I do."

Why?

WHY?

If you can answer any one of these burning questions please do. I'll be grateful. Hey, you might need my kidney one day.

Why do people avoid the light-up intersection to cross the street when they are wearing all black and I can't see them?

Why do they then give me that look. I call it the Queer Seer. It is a catty man-glance that says both, "Fuck off!" and "You're so 1998 I could vomit!" These sneers hurt me right down to the tender marrow of my delicate bones.

Why do people pay large sums of money to see a band do it's fourth "Final reunion tour?"


Why can't we all learn the same language? Why not Portuguese?


Why does my dog fart for 9 hours if I give him just one tiny sliver of carrot?


Why do people bring their infant babies to the movie theatre?


Why do most people consider faux gold to be classy?


Why do we have a leap year?


Why is their a stigma against men wearing skirts even in many warm climates?


Why is it that when my favorite show is on TV HBO in Spanish comes in crystal clear but Normal HBO is totally pixelated?


Why are rabbits feet from dead rabbits considered lucky?


Why do people choose to live where it's colder than a witch's tit almost all year round?


Why doesn't the 3-hole punch thing ever work properly on the first try?


Why would the same credit card company that cancels my account due to late payment send me an application for a new credit card?


Why do we call football soccer here in America? Soccer was around way before football.

Why do people think of pirates as fun and jolly characters when they mostly killed and tortured men, raped women, rarely showered and kept monkeys and parrots perched on their shoulders for no go reason.

Why do (not all) many little girls naturally love the colors purple and pink? Yeah even the ones with hippie-crunchy, earth-tone-lovin' parents.

Why do some people derive sexual pleasure from pain?

Why did Sam, Louis and I let Ricky bully us around in Junior High School when the three of us could have easily ganged up on him and kicked his ass?

Why do I always make fun of "those simpleminded impulse buyers" and then right before I purchase something glowy or shiny from the check out counter.

Why don't I ever see any black people when I go skiing?

Why is the White House allowed to withhold documents whenever they feel like it?

Why do old people's houses have "that smell"?

Why do assassins and serial killers always use their middle names?

Why do so many people bite their finger nails when they are nervous?

Why isn't Kindergarten called first grade?

Why is Kindergarten taken from a German word?

Why won't my dog learn to catch a Frisbee?

Why does Australia have to be so far away? (from me, not from itself)

Why are the female-named hurricanes so much more deadly than the male hurricanes?

Why is the tobacco company allowed to make it's own anti-tobacco commercials?

Why do the threats from Bin Laden and Al Qaida always remind me of the over the top, cheesy rants the Professional wrestler make to the camera?

Why do people constantly say "I'm sorry" for the tiniest little thing, thus removing any sincerity when the statement and sentiment is actually appropriate?

Why aren't there any words in English that rhyme with th e word "orange"?

Why do I care?

I have decided...

I have decided that I am going to tell people that I suffer from a rare affliction called, Voluntary Tourets Syndrome, so I will be excused from cursing at anybody, any time for any reason. "Sorry I said those things about your girlfriend. It's just my V.T.S. acting up again.

I have decided that if somebody steps into the intersection at night wearing dark clothing and I hit them I am going to drive on and place all the blame on natural selection.

I have decided that I am only going to drink top shelf quality vodka from now on.

I have decided that I spend too much time hating things that I can't control.

I have decided to turn my stereo on very loud when I am away from home to annoy my downstairs neighbor every day.

I have also decided to shred any mail of his that comes to me by mistake.

I have decided that I am going to take some drugs this Halloween.

I have decided not to go dressed as Napoleon Dynamite.

I have decided that when my wife says. "I don't like men with big muscles," she is just lying to make me feel better about myself.

I have decided that it is wrong to stuff my dog inside a pillowcase and swing him around simply because I find it amusing. In the future this will only be done in an emergency situation.

I have decided to stop asking people "How you doing?" If I really don't give crap how they're doing.

I have decided not to trust Blogger's Spellchecker.

That's all for now.

Hail to the Chief

The President of the United States Likes Black People! Well, he does!

Now a Slice of Life with George and Laura Bush


Laura Bush: "You know, George and I both feel that colored people such as yourself are a vital part of America."

Dubya: "That's right. In fact we just hired us a nice negro-colored girl at the Crawford Ranch. She gets the laundry all white and bright. And I think she puts like a fabric softener. Smells nice too."

Food Bank Worker: Um...

Laura Bush: "You see America is much like the pots you use here in your kitchen. It's where all the different kinds of people or "ingredients" mix together to make a more diverse and interesting recipe."

Dubya: "You know, I think whatever it is you do here at the Food Bank is great. I think food and black people go real well together. My family has always been a friend to the Negroes. In fact, anytime we had pancakes we always used Aunt Jemima maple syrup."

Food Bank Worker: "Well, uh... that's not really--"

Dubya: "And your children. I even care about your beautiful children. Cuz ta me, I see both little white kids and niglets as an important part of our future."


Hail to the Chief!

Disaster, Fungus AND Parasite?

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement about Prez-A-dent Dubya.

This is why a simple presidential written exam could have saved our nation from such a tragedy. Even if he eventually figured out what the pencil was for, and how to use it he never would have gotten past the essay portion.

Certain things will remain a mystery. 

I like it Raw.

Now I don't normally just put up a link to somebody else's website to entertain you fine, pillars of society. However, when frenetic masturbation leaves the muscles in my hands in crippling agony, my fingers unable to type, and my soul emotionally exhausted, I do. Please enjoy the link below.

Warm Regards,

Krankiboy

(dictated but not read)

Everything You'll Never Need to Know About Sushi*

* Soon to be a Major Motion Picture

Breakfast of Champions

I bought 200 hundred of these at the beginning of summer. 2 packs for 6 dollars. That's a deal. I would have bought adult diapers if they were priced that low. Yes yummy, frozen Otter Pops. I usually have two a day. For some reason they cause me to cough everytime I eat them. Perhaps my body is trying to reject the artificial flavors. They are very sugary sweet. There is no good reason to eat them yet I do because they're called Otter Pops. It's the same reason I eat Tofu Pups. They don't taste all that great, but gosh, what a cute name.

Still not a fan? Well prepare to rock out with the Otter Popstars.

Perhaps I'm trying to recapture my childhood innocence. No wait... I never had them as a kid because my mom would do things like get me a carob Easter bunny and tell me "it's just like chocolate, but good for you." Hear me now people! Carob is not at all like chocolate. Biting into what I thought would be a rich milk chocolate bunny ear and instead getting... Well, it scarred me for life. The adult equivelent would be promising your friend a date with Angelina Jolie or Tyra Banks and then have Nancy Reagan or Bea Arthur show up instead. Carob is evil. Carob is wrong. Carob is a crime against humanity. Carob is a culinary horror movie with no survivors. In fact first thing tomorrow I am going to call my mom up and demand to know why she committed a perverse act of pure cruelty on her one and only beloved baby boy.

Rude Awakening

So I'm having a perfectly normal dream that I am a superhero puppet battling puppet bad guys and that I live in a ramshackle house filled with kittens. Then as the final bad guy and Ninja Puppet appears and I am about to fight him my dog Freckle Dick leaps onto the bed nearly landing on my face.

I freaked out and told him to get off the bed. He wouldn't move so I shoved him off. He got back on and stood on my chest. Then Ass Breath flanks me from the other side and they both begin to nudge me with their snouts. Not just your usual doggie nuzzling they meant serious business and these two dogs who total 55 lbs nearly knocked me off the bed. It was as if their dog god had commanded them to topple me.

So I took them out for a walk sprayed water on the plants in the yard that looked particularly brown. They did their dog business. I must have been grouchy because I considered tossing the stinky love nuggets over the wall to the next black over. I had a fleeting image of a woman sunbathing and enjoying a strawberry daquiri on a gorgeous day and then suddenly being pelted in the mouth with a flying turd. I decided it's not cool to rain fecal fury on one's neighbors. I know I wouldn't want my sunbathing daquiri time interrupted.
So does it make me a bad person because I considered doing it? Or, does it make me a good person for showing restraint and respect for my fellow man/imaginary chick in a bikini?

Be honest. I can take it.

The Good the Blog and the Ugly

It's particularly hard to blog when you are depressed. At least it is for me. I think the only thing that might cheer me up today is having my own Krankiboy action figure. It's always been a dream of mine to be a piece of plastic that some little kid plays with. I imagine that some little boy would traumatize his sister by putting the action figure into a compromising position with her Barbie doll. Yes, my therapist has very solid job security.

My friend had himself put onto a superhero trading card, with all his powers and superhero origin info. It sounds like a cool Gen X thing to have for a business card. I don't remember where he got it.

I blatantly stole some more crap from the mega pet store and afterwards Penny scolded me. I tend not to give a shit about rules and regulations when I am in a crap mood.

Last night I had this dream in which I was supervising some young kids on a camp out in the woods. A few pre-teen students were also on the field trip. One of the kids was being troublesome and annoying the younger kids. Then he had a double-sided axe and he hurled it straight up hundreds of feet in the air. It was clearly going to land on somebody. That's when I woke up to see Penny had been watching me sleep. As I woke up I kicked my knee out and muttered "I'm gone fucking kill him." Apparently I sometimes do this little twitching thing in my sleep and talk and flail a bit. Penny says that she likes to watch me and actually thinks that it's "adorable." Kind of like when dogs are in a deep sleep and they flick their paws and scrunch their nose and give a few feint little woofs. Basically they look like they're dreaming about chasing a rabbit.

So that makes me believe that if dogs can dream then they must be able to think. Science hasn't fully accepted this notion. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they need to study my dogs in a complex experiment. Then my dogs would at least be helping to bring in some money and pay the rent. All that canine energy and they can't even help me carry the groceries up the stairs.

I'm being picked up to get dinner and watch live boxing at the Staples Center and will likely be fed an expensive meal. I'm sure if I can shake off this malaise it'll be a great night out. But right now I'd really just like to have a nice restful sleep and dream that I'm in a lush field chasing rabbits.

It's okay, I don't understand my blog posts anymore either.

Hello Planet Earth!

I have always wondered who the vast majority of my blog readers are. Some of you I have had the pleasure of bantering with, some I have spoken to on the phone, some I've met in person and three of you were kind enough to let me eat whipped cream off your tummies.

But who are the rest of the fine men, women and children with discerning taste enough read my blog?

Well I have no fucking clue. But I have a new feature that allows me to see where the readers are coming from. I had no idea that the Khronicles had such a wide international circulation. People from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to Riyah, Saudia Arabia, Portugal, Sri Lanka, all the way round the world to my delightfully warped Australian friends. I have said it before but it is still my dream to one day be the David Hasselhoff of Melbourne. This Christmas I shall be spanning the globe stopping at the home of anybody who will have me. No, just Australia. But damn would that be a strange adventure if I did try to visit everyone. It would make a damn fine book or documentary film.

It would either be called Attack of the Blog People or Around the World in Kranki Days

The last 100 readers locations are shown below. Don't foget to look at #69 and say "Where the fuck is that?" Oh and feel free to giggle when you read # 28 on the list. I will never be able to think of Georgia quite the same way again.

1)
Austria
Graz, Steiermark
2
United States
Downey, California
3
United States
Atlanta, Georgia
4
Australia
Woodville, South Australia
5
Australia
6
Australia
Blacktown, New South Wales
7
United States
Los Angeles, California
8
Australia
9
Australia
10
Sri Lanka
11
South Africa
Cape Town, Western Cape
12
Saudi Arabia
Riyadh, Ar Riyad
13
United States
Medford, Oregon
14
United States
Dayton, Ohio
15
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
16
United States
Saint Louis, Missouri
17
Australia
Fitzroy, Victoria
18
United States
Harrison, Arkansas
19
Australia
20
Australia
Cammeray, New South Wales
21
United States
Columbia, Maryland
22
United States
Huntington Beach, California
23
Australia
Canberra, Australian Capital Territory
24
Canada
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
25
Australia
26
Australia
27
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
28
United States
Cumming, Georgia
29
Australia
Narre Warren North, Victoria
30
United States
New York
31
United States
Grove City, Pennsylvania
32
United States
Valencia, Pennsylvania
33
United States
Brooklyn, New York
34
New Zealand
Wellington
35
United States
Dekalb, Illinois
36
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
37
United States
Los Angeles, California
38
United States
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
39
United States
Greendale, Wisconsin
40
United States
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
41
Canada
Edmonton, Alberta
42
United States
Livingston, Wisconsin
43
Australia
44
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
45
United States
Penfield, New York
46
United States
Modesto, California
47
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
48
United States
Downey, California
49
United States
50
United States
Orem, Utah
51
United States
San Diego, California
52
United States
53
Australia
54
United States
Beverly Hills, California
55
Mexico
Tijuana, Baja California
56
United States
Omaha, Nebraska
57
Australia
58
Canada
Saint John, New Brunswick
59
United States
Sunnyvale, California
60
United States
Buckner, Kentucky
61
United Kingdom
Leeds
62
United States
Beaufort, South Carolina
63
United States
Bonita Springs, Florida
64
United States
Canoga Park, California
65
United States
Lansing, Michigan
66
United States
Fremont, California
67
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
68
United States
Chicago, Illinois
69
United Kingdom
Stoke-on-Trent
70
United States
Alexandria, Minnesota
71
United States
Rogers, Minnesota
72
United States
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
73
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria
74
Australia
75
United States
Tucson, Arizona
76
Barbados
Brittons Hill, Saint Michael
77
Australia
Parramatta, New South Wales
78
United Kingdom
Reading
79
Australia
Mortlake, New South Wales
80
United States
Everett, Washington
81
United States
Mclean, Virginia
82
Australia
Lindfield, New South Wales
83
United States
84
United Kingdom
Ipswich, Suffolk
85
Australia
86
United States
New Hyde Park, New York
87
Australia
88
United States
Los Alamos, California
89
United States
Orangeburg, South Carolina
90
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
91
United States
Middletown, New Jersey
92
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
93
United States
Winston-salem, North Carolina
94
United States
Mount Morris, Michigan
95
Portugal
Lisbon, Lisboa
96
United States
Tucson, Arizona
97
United States
Arlington, Texas
98
United States
Devils Lake, North Dakota
99
United States
Mastic, New York
100
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria

I love you all. Nobody more than my first blog love... Ms Fits. The rest of you can take what's left of my affection, split it up 700 ways, put it on the tip of your tongue, and suck it.

You make the act of sitting in front of a computer and rambling about nonsense worthwhile. If it weren't for you I'd get so much more done in a day. For that I humbly thank you.

Let's all hold hands and sing!

Fuck You Antarctica!

What's wrong with those fuckers in Antarctica?

They won't join the United Nations and they don't want to read the Krankiboy Khronicles? Elitest snobs. I don't mean to sound prejudiced here but I have always hated the Antarcticans.

Eric Bana, Van Morrison, and Why Pants are Evil!

The only thing more annoying than blogging a review about a movie you've seen is blogging about a movie that was only mildly new and exciting four months ago.

Just watched Troy on cable for the second time. Go ahead, mock me. You can call me a fan of homoeroticism masquerading as manly violence. Actually no, don't do that. It could unravel years of therapy.

So do I like gladiator movies?* Yes.

Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Yes.

So my friend gave me some copies of UNCUT magazine so I'd have something to do between my flashes of deviant brilliance, catatonic sleeping and walking my dogs.

At first I naturally assumed, just like you did, that Uncut Magazine was devoted exclusively to men who had not been circumsized and their foreskin exploits. Not so. It's a rock n' roll mag.

I saw this in the stack and wondered what Eric Bana was doing on the cover of a music magazine.


Does it not look like Eric Bana?


The nose is slightly off but I find the similarity to be quite remarkable. Look at the eyes. Eerie.

If Bana does play Van Morrison in some movie, I think I deserve at least 25% of any profits and 50% of the Van Morrison action figures.

Damn, Rock n' Roll action figures. That's fucking brilliant. I think I need to take a nap after that fabulous brainstorm.



And both Van Morrison and Eric Bana look a bit like my official Rocktographer and Aussie mate. I know what you're saying... all white people look alike. Well that's narrowminded of you, you Cracker-hating Honkey-bashers.

Also have you kids seen ROME on HBO? That is some quality television. You get your Blood, Guts, Politics, Tits, Ass and you learn a bit about history. It's a tad more engaging than when we read Shakespeare's Julias Ceasar back in fifth grade.

But I do think they should do the show ROME in the original Latin and use subtitles to add to the authenticity. Let's face it everybody loves Latin. Latin is the new French. All the retro things come back and I think it would be foolish no to jump on the Latin band wagon.

So, Carpe Diem, E Pluribus Unum and Caviot Emptor!

Go ahead correct my Latin spelling. I know that gets you kiddies all hot and bothered in the pants region. Also, since I mentioned pants, I would like to go on record and say that when it's over 90 degrees out wearing pants is simply stupid. Nobody likes a sweaty crotch.


See skirts are cool. Why can't men wear skirts? Fucking North American fashion double standard. What the fuck was this post about again?


* That was a reference to the movie Airplane for all you ignorant youngsters.

The Cute Challenge

There are plenty of cute pictures out there but I defy you to find anything more adorable that this little soldier of www.Kittenwar.com




You just try and show me something more adorable. I challenge you. I would stab two nuns and an angel through the heart with a rusty spoon just to get this fella a saucer of cream.

Mass Destruction & Mass Retardation

I am up late reading up on the madness that is taking place in Louisiana.

Thank goodness the President made an address to calm the nation.

PrezAdent: "We gotta conserve. If you don't need gas then don't buy it."

We're in good hands people.

So looting, raping and shooting at military and medical people. I don't know about looting and raping. But I'd probably shoot at them too if it had been 4 days of living next to a giant septic tank with babies dying, no food or water or promised busses. And now police in those areas are turning in their badges in record numbers.

I feel sympathy for the people who have lost everything. I do. However, when you know a devastating 150 mph storm is coming towards you for several days and there is a statewide evacuation and it's been less than a year after a Tsunami ripped through the Pacific killing over half a million people... Unless you're a baby or a pet I have to ask why didn't you get the fuck out?

Don't worry, the Prezadent is gonna fly over in a plane again to survey the damage a second time.

Isn't that like the fuckwads who see an accident on the road and slow down to see if there are any dead bodies but don't get out to help.

Until I see Bush wearing hip boots and handing out bottles of Evian water to the refugees he can go fuck himself.

And anybody who takes advantage of a crisis to steal, rape, or hurt others should be ground up, cooked and eaten.

It will be interesting to see who gets rich off of this human tragedy. Bush cut short his stay at his Texas Ranch two days after the storm hit. Too little, too late. That pretty much sums up the federal response to the disaster.

Now, thanks to my friend Molly, I offer some visual distraction from the insanity.

http://catsinsinks.com/