Thursday, October 06, 2005

Behold! Tiz the Wizard!

Behold! For it tiz the Grand Master himself. The being know only as... "The Wizard!" He has come to make right all that is wrong in your meager and pathetic world.

Yes. Rejoice mortals! The wizard is here to solve your problems. From the very enormous to the quite small the Grand Master can fix them all.

So what troubles weigh you down? Is your problem that...

Your political approval rating is in the toilet? Show The Wizard how high the fecal waters of turmoil have risen.

Are you just just not able to meet...

skanky chicks that peel off their panties for anybody who'll buy them a drink?

Maybe you're having trouble with little lady?


Does it seem that everybody has more bling than you do?

Maybe you're looking to find a new hobby that stimulates you.

Are you being harassed by the gang at your local coffee shop?

Are you just trying way too hard to reveal your outer beauty?

Maybe you need a sexy date for the prom.

Do you just want to meet new and interesting friends?

Or maybe you're in trouble with the LAW.

Have you snagged your braces on your new friend's zipper?

Are people not taking you seriously?

Have The Forces of Darkness taken possession of your soul?

Maybe you don't know what to do with the girl you keep trapped in your bathroom.

Perhaps you're expecting a new baby?!

Or maybe the baby you already have just needs a new toupee?

Perhaps your upstairs neighbors are being too noisy?

Maybe you really need to get out of the house more.

Maybe you're feeling tired lethargic and....


Maybe you're embarrassed that the girls on the plane laughed when you exposed your penis.

Are you looking for just the right pet?

Are your coworkers not showing you enough respect?

Are you tired of night after night of meaningless threesomes?

Is your father's drinking becoming a problem?

Is that hit of acid you took taking you on a bad trip?

Have you been ensnared by narcotics?

Are you worried that your kid may want to try drugs?

Is there nobody who shares your passion to perform "Soul Man: the Musical!"?

Perhaps you're uncomfortable now that your nudist Uncle has moved in with you?

Or maybe you just feel robbed of your dignity.

Well friend... Have no fear. No matter what your problem may be, The Wizard is here to make it all better. Embrace his power. Tell him your troubles and let this humble blog be a portal to his powers.... A means of seeking his council and words of wisdom.

For if you believe in the Wizard, he will believe in you. With a wave of his mighty magic staff and a gaze through his mystically mystic Blue Blockers he can tell you the solution that will make all your problems melt away.

You'll feel safe, secure and contented once more.

Nestled snugly in the ample bosom of tranquility.

So, dear friend, don't fret or fear. Simply tell The Wizard what is it that troubles you.


kranki said...

I know I'm hopped up on anxiety but I hoped somebody would have commented by now it's been over 8 minutes. Oh, no... it this the part where I start going crazy on my blog for everybody to see and begin to have long dialogues with myself? Scary stuff.

fluffy said...

So much to say kranki, so so much. Too much. Yes, a little too much to say. And not feeling at all clever enough to say it. But it's a comment right? Yay comments!

I'm going to go lie down now.

michel said...

Dear Wizard,

I'm afraid I may grow up to become the nudist uncle. Help.

gun street girl said...

Dear Wizard,
How to you get your robes to stay so shiny and fresh looking?
My head hurts...

kranki said...

The Wizard has asked me to pass along this information.

Michel: If you immediately kill off all your neices and nephews you will never be the creepy uncle.

Dearest gun street girl:

I generally use armadillo semen to get that fresh off the magic rack gleemy sheen.

Buck Fudd said...

Mr. Wizard, your right arm is a limp, stunted mass growing from the side of your abdomen. How do you cope with your affliction? Does it impede your spelling ability?

kranki said...

Hey Buck:

This from the Wizard. FYI: He seemed a bit irate when he dictated it to me.

"Hey, Fudd I'm The fucking Wizard. I'm here on my time offering to to help you with your problems. Keep up the smart talk and you'll have to add having an enchanted staff crammed up your ass to your list of woes. You got that numb-nuts!? Seriously, you unenchanted little crap-stain-- you want a vagina under each arm pit? I'd be happy to help that happen for you. It would make it easier if I were to command you to go fuck yourself.

P.S. My wizard stump wasn't limp when I throat fucked your mother.

Best Regards,

The Wizard"

I think maybe you made him mad.
Also, judging by the slurring, he might have had a bit too much Grog.

babyjewels said...

My coworkers are constantly trying to prank me with their genitals. Help Wizard!

Buck Fudd said...

Just sayin'. Jeez. God, the disabled are cunts.

Alabama said...

Fuck me, Yaaaaaaaaaay mother fucking yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is all I can say.

Very very funny yummy honey.

Kisses XXXXX

MelbourneGirl said...

kranki you made me choke on my vegemite on turkish bread.

i haven't laughed at ANY posting like this. no, not even fits'

so. the wizard takes on buck, and buck bites back. HILARIOUS.

however, to be serious, i do not wish to undermine the wizard, nor to have a tone-filled, upset message channelled back to me via kranki.

so a question.

wizard. i don't know if this is in your field, but: i don't have anything to watch on tv. nothing inspires me, it's all csi and blood. although there is australian princess coming up. should i give it a go?

thanks wizard. you are the best. don't worry about buck. he just wants to be you. and i think your arm is... sweet. it's charming. just don't take any notice.

Sherriff said...


Hey wizard! My dog has no wand!

(Really? How does he spell?)


*shoots self*

MelbourneGirl said...

isn't it my dog has no nose, how does he SMELL, terrible?

or is it a pig?

BEVIS said...

First, I love those robes.

Second, yay! I notice that some of those photos I sent through like a hundred years ago finally made it to your blog, Kranki! Colour me chuffed.

Third, hilarious!

Fourth, I also have a question for the Wizard: "When I ask my wife what time it is, she always responds in an angry tone, and says 'Time to call the lawyers, dead-beat!' Do you think my marriage might be in trouble?"

Fifth, your blog wouldn't load for me late last week, hence the radio silence (if you can call it that on the Internet) since last I commented. I'm sorry to see that my usual habit of commenting within eight minutes of each post was unable to happen and in fact caused you serious mental damage. I hope you got through it alright and I think Fluffy did an ace job of rushing in there and saying any old thing to appease the demons.

Sixth, I must go now.

gun street girl said...

*takes note*
Armadillo semen, eh, thats where I've been going wrong... I've been using using Aardvark semen... I'll certainly try that.
Thanks Mr Wizard!

You've Got What I Need... said...

Dearest Wizard,
Aside from falling down stairs, having my liver kicked by a donkey, and choking on watermellon blow-pops, my only other fear is that my braces WILL get caught in a friendly person's zipper and or corset.

This fear is ruining dance parties/house party basement Mardi Gras for me.


Also, can licking bus benches make you preggers?

"Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep."

I look forward to your wisdom on these matters.

Cordially yours,
The Girl You Had That Run In With On That One Bus Bench.


MelbourneGirl said...

where's kranki

did the wiz take him down?

did the armadillos escape?

how do you spell armadilloes?

ms fits said...

Dear Wizard


Love, Fits. x

kranki said...

More from his Wizardlyness to y'all.

"YGWIN: Christ woman do you know I think of you everytime I sit on a damp bus bench. You hurt me where no spell can heal me.

FITS: Yes, in that photo my "apprentice witch" is choking on my all-time favorite spell. I will be happy to show you exactly how the spell is performed. I can teleport to where you are as long as you promise not to get all clingy and feel like "I owe you something" for letting you swallow a few pints of Wiz Jiz*

*Now available in smooth or chunky.

Babyjewels: You have not told me what the problem is in enough detail. Also please say my name and humm while you tell me.

Sally: Sure, what time works for you? Tell me in California Earth time"

BEVIS said...

Hey! This Wizard fella rudely shafted me! (No, I'm not being dirty.)

I asked a question and he skipped over it.

Wizard, will you be getting back to me later?

MelbourneGirl said...

bevis, the wizard obviously doesn't get off the couch for anything less than a provocative, obscene or sex question or problem.

ms fits got a very quick response to her flaming cock question. it's clear what we have to do. our questions were boring.

so i am asking another one.

oh wizard, do you tour in australia and can we meet for group sex? (tell wifey i'm sorry bevis. we have to try and draw him out here)

Clokeeeey! said...

Well, I was gonna make a comment about each pic, but all I'll say is that the noisy neighbors make a good couple, and what the hell are you doing downstairs. Go up there in the middle of the night and tell them to keep the noise down and oh dear, your robe opens up and then well, go for it.

Magical_M said...

Dear Wizard,

By any chance do you happen to be related to Demis Roussos?

You look just like him.

x MM

Patrick said...

Dear Wizard, could you tell me where that Starbucks is located?