Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Eric Bana, Van Morrison, and Why Pants are Evil!

The only thing more annoying than blogging a review about a movie you've seen is blogging about a movie that was only mildly new and exciting four months ago.

Just watched Troy on cable for the second time. Go ahead, mock me. You can call me a fan of homoeroticism masquerading as manly violence. Actually no, don't do that. It could unravel years of therapy.

So do I like gladiator movies?* Yes.

Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Yes.

So my friend gave me some copies of UNCUT magazine so I'd have something to do between my flashes of deviant brilliance, catatonic sleeping and walking my dogs.

At first I naturally assumed, just like you did, that Uncut Magazine was devoted exclusively to men who had not been circumsized and their foreskin exploits. Not so. It's a rock n' roll mag.

I saw this in the stack and wondered what Eric Bana was doing on the cover of a music magazine.

Does it not look like Eric Bana?

The nose is slightly off but I find the similarity to be quite remarkable. Look at the eyes. Eerie.

If Bana does play Van Morrison in some movie, I think I deserve at least 25% of any profits and 50% of the Van Morrison action figures.

Damn, Rock n' Roll action figures. That's fucking brilliant. I think I need to take a nap after that fabulous brainstorm.

And both Van Morrison and Eric Bana look a bit like my official Rocktographer and Aussie mate. I know what you're saying... all white people look alike. Well that's narrowminded of you, you Cracker-hating Honkey-bashers.

Also have you kids seen ROME on HBO? That is some quality television. You get your Blood, Guts, Politics, Tits, Ass and you learn a bit about history. It's a tad more engaging than when we read Shakespeare's Julias Ceasar back in fifth grade.

But I do think they should do the show ROME in the original Latin and use subtitles to add to the authenticity. Let's face it everybody loves Latin. Latin is the new French. All the retro things come back and I think it would be foolish no to jump on the Latin band wagon.

So, Carpe Diem, E Pluribus Unum and Caviot Emptor!

Go ahead correct my Latin spelling. I know that gets you kiddies all hot and bothered in the pants region. Also, since I mentioned pants, I would like to go on record and say that when it's over 90 degrees out wearing pants is simply stupid. Nobody likes a sweaty crotch.

See skirts are cool. Why can't men wear skirts? Fucking North American fashion double standard. What the fuck was this post about again?

* That was a reference to the movie Airplane for all you ignorant youngsters.


BEVIS said...

I must say - this is a surreal post indeed, Kranki.

Are you well?

kranki said...

Am I well?

Hmmm... Only time will tell. I have been off my meds of late.

How the hell did you just comment on this post I put it up six seconds ago.

Sometimes you scare me. Hold me?

BEVIS said...

OK, it makes sense now that it has words.

I refreshed your page while it was "mid-loading", I guess, and saw it without any text. That's why I thought it was surreal and that you may not have been well.

I'll go away and read it now.

Glad I could freak you out - and that you'd still want to hold me.

BEVIS said...

Whoa, I must have done it again!

I commented on your post that appeared above this one, which was just a picture of whatshisname Boud on the beach, without any text or a title again, and now it's gone!

Maybe Blogger is having issues, and I'm seeing things as you're working on them or something.

Or maybe you're posting them without words and then removing them again. That's be just like you.

Or maybe - maybe - maybe you and I are psychically linked and I can foresee what you're going to post before you post it!

(Nah, it's probably the first one.)

daniel said...

Shaving is boring. But moustaches are the new beard.

Armagnac Esq. said...

Nemo dat quod non habet.

Res ipsa loquiter!

On the last point- skirts are fantastic. I got a man-skirt in Fiji, and wear it whenever I reckon I can get away with it.

Keeps your landing gear cool. And easily accessed.

cattermune said...

Best-random-tangent tying-all-loose-ends-together-at-the-end post eva. I think I love you Kranki. But only if you wear a skirt. In leather. With a Bana flava-sava.

kranki said...


You are seeing things as I retardly tinker with them. Blogger is just fine and sends you its love. I am the one having issues.


I own a sarong too but I am not metrosexually confident enough to wear it out. "Landing gear" so that's what that stuff is for. I've just been using it to pee and... I better not say. Thanks for clarifying. I will begin landing on it immediately.


Shaving is boring, but not as boring as getting complaints that your beard stuble is chaffing their inner thighs.


From now on I will wear a leather skirt while I write all future blog posts.

I need you to love me.

Is a Bana Flava-sava what I think it is? Somebody explain. Please?

BEVIS said...


I love you too. Lets you and me run off and escape this crazy world together.

cattermune said...

Flava-Sava - the little fanny tickler on his chin between his jawline's manly deard and his bottomm lip. From when he has been away from his brown eyed girl (Andromache) loving too long and needs a little taste to get his engine a-going and his skirt a-rising.
Wow, the sexual energy from that comment could be cut with a chunky bronze knife/sword thingy.

cattermune said...

deard/beard it's all great facial hair work from the Bana. You seen Chopper?

Jellyfish said...

I felt severely let down by Troy. I like movies with lots of fighting and gore. I don't really know why, I just do. Probably I should talk to someone about that. Anyway. So I'm thinking Troy will be a sure-bet - epic battle scenes, people getting cleaved in two (cleaven? cleavened?) by big swords, loads of carnage etc.

What did I get? From memory it was four hours of dreary 'inspirational' speechifying and manly back-slapping, a bit of Orlando Bloom getting kicked around in the sand and then, FINALLY, in the last five minutes, the bit where they come out of the horse and start to rape and pillage. What a let-down.

Armagnac Esq. said...

You'd expect the audience to go out on a rape-and-pillage bender after that sort of cognition altering dross.

As for running away, where will you flee to?

Live journal??

kranki said...

Whatdoyamean by "running away?"

Use the word dross again, that word makes me feel tingly in my landing gear.

kranki said...

Ohhhhh! You were referring to Bevis' post. I just figured it out. I don't know where they'd run to but I do think that a loving relationship between a man and a blog spits in the face of traditional marriage and Christian values. I'm pretty sure we can find something in the bible to prove that it is forbidden by God.

BEVIS said...

We would run off to Antarctica; a place forgotten by modern man and historical woman alike.

There we would sit amongst the staligtites and staligmites, sucking on ice cubes and licking lamp posts for laughs.

BEVIS said...

... Being new to the area, I'm sure that for a while there I'd probably fall victim to various passing salesmen who were trying to sell me ice.

BEVIS said...

... And as an investment banker, I'm certain that I'd sit on an igloo somewhere and freeze my assets.

OK, enough of this. It's the weekend. I'm outta here.