Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween in LA 2005

Halloween had always been my favorite holiday. It's pagan, you dress up, you drink too much, you get to ride in a cab, people let their guard down, you get to see cool costumes... And best of all even the reserved young women will dress up in "naughty" costumes. Naughty Nurses, Ninjas, Cheerleaders, Devils, Angels, Construction Workers, Bankers, French Maids, Firewomen... This year I even saw a woman dressed up as Naughty Avian Bird Flu. At first she claimed she was just Avian Bird Flu, but I explained that Avian Bird flew doesn't have cleavage and black short shorts. And it seems to be getting more scandalous each year. On Halloween people here just flat out want attention and exposed flesh is a quick way to get it.

I was going to blog about how I met Penny on Halloween five years ago and I could go into more detail but who really wants to hear me get all nostalgic for happier times? I certainly don't. I think I'll look forward to happier times.

So I don't know what to do with myself tonight. I already went out and did the party hopping costume thing on Saturday night. Plus my head is clogged up with "nostalgia."

I remember now. You know those people who come in costume and get a bit too caught up playing the character or person they are dressed as? Those people need to relax. It's cool for somebody dressed as Jesus to introduce themselves in character but after a few minutes pass it's not cool to start shouting about how you are going to turn the hot tub water into wine.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

When Life Hands You Lemons...

The last three weeks have been a complete mind fuck. My wife and I have separated which may or may not be a good thing. Neither of us really knows for sure.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what happened?" Well, The Wizard seduced her away from me. I couldn't compete with that kind of Mo Jo. Can you really blame her? He's a spell-craftin' stud. The Wizard has it all going on. What has he got that I haven't got? Man, it is a long mother fucking list. Chicks really go for his shiny robes and the tales of mystical wonder. Plus I think he put something in her drink. But, fair or not, the better man has won and I graciously acknowledge defeat. My wife Penny is only human after all. Frankly, I think the Wizard can probably do better, but as long as they're happy together thats all that matters. I hope he treats her well and doesn't string her along and then dump her like he did to that Mermaid Princess.

You're probably wondering where my anger is? I should be furious with both of them, right? Trust shattered, marital bonds ripped apart... I just don't want dwell in that negative head space, you know?

Although it would be nice if The Wizard stopped calling and putting me on speakerphone whenever he and Penny are going at it.

That seems a bit excessive.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fun + Onions =



These are Funyuns.

They're a bit like onions except obviously their way more fun. Although you can probably play a game of catch with an actual onion.

We live on a strange planet.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Wizard in the House!

News of my death* by digestion has been greatly exaggerated. I'm totally fine. No way The Wizard would choose to eat me over a freshly heated box of frozen pizza bagels. He even let me have a few. He's a good guy. Some of you people have said some mean things. I want you to know The Wizard is a guest in my home. Granted, it's not been exactly what I hoped for... yet. But please, in the future, I hope that you can give him the respect that a Warlock of his stature deserves. I think he's earned it.

I'm still excited that The Wizard teleported into my life. He's there with wisdom and answers during this tough patch in my life. He offered me hope with a mere wave of his magic wand.**

True, The Wizard hasn't actually done any conjuring for me but I have to say it's just comforting to know that I have a powerful sorcerer and wizened scholar of the world right by my side. When is the last time a master of the dark arts appeared at your door when you needed an emotional boost in your life? Yeah, that's what I thought.

He told some fascinating (true) tales of otherworldly events and encounters that had my mind spinning with amazement. I think the second day of the Wiz's visit was basically fine except for the fact that he turned every conversation to matters of a carnal nature. I didn't know the answers to his questions. I didn't know where he could go to hook up with a "Latina honey-ho" that could "stiffen his "man-staff." I feared that I had not proven myself worthy of his enchanted intervention in my life. He started to swear and sweat even more than he normally did and he sent me out on a mini-quest to get him some "Hearty Dwarven Stout, or a Robust Mead" to calm aura."

When I came back from 7-Eleven with just a 12-pack of beer and a bottle of Absolut Vodka, he was not pleased. He starting getting verbally abusive and the skin under his chin became flushed. I apologized effusively and after some pouting and muttering The Wizard reluctantly tried the metal canister of "unworthy beverage." He seemed to like it and I was relieved.

After he had pounded down a few of the beers his voice got a bit slurry and he began hugging me a bit more than seemed necessary. He asked me if I wanted to see a taste of his magic. I got goosebumps in anticipation. The the Wizard quickly downed the rest of his beer made a quick magic gesture and extended index finger. His look of intensity made me think that perhaps a bolt of lightening might shoot out from his hand. He commanded me to tug upon his digit. Then he let out a wet fart. It wasn't what I was expecting but the volume it reached was definitely impressive. I think perhaps I am gaining The Wizard's trust. I need to go run out and get him some Oreo cookies and Funyons right now. Perhaps they're ingredients for a dazzling spell. I hope so! More later.

Oh and the Wizard just called to me from the bathtub. He says he's ready to answer any and all of your questions with his ancient and mystic wisdom.

** Sorry not "wand." I mean to say staff. The Wizard says "wand" makes him sound like "a friggin' gaylord pufter."

* News of my death has been widely reported all over the internet. And when I say "all over the internet" I mean three comments in my blog post.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Let's Get Wizzy

The Wizard has just astounded me again by miraclously eating a quart of Ben and Jerry's Raw Cookie Dough ice cream and falling asleep on my couch. The man is gifted. Also the wizard has asked me several times "Where are all the fly Puerto Rican' honnies are at?" Does anybody know what he means??? I don't want him to get mad and do something to me. He's waking up! I g2g. la8!
kb

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Behold! Tiz the Wizard!

Behold! For it tiz the Grand Master himself. The being know only as... "The Wizard!" He has come to make right all that is wrong in your meager and pathetic world.


Yes. Rejoice mortals! The wizard is here to solve your problems. From the very enormous to the quite small the Grand Master can fix them all.


So what troubles weigh you down? Is your problem that...


Your political approval rating is in the toilet? Show The Wizard how high the fecal waters of turmoil have risen.

Are you just just not able to meet...


skanky chicks that peel off their panties for anybody who'll buy them a drink?


Maybe you're having trouble with little lady?

Or...

Does it seem that everybody has more bling than you do?


Maybe you're looking to find a new hobby that stimulates you.



Are you being harassed by the gang at your local coffee shop?




Are you just trying way too hard to reveal your outer beauty?



Maybe you need a sexy date for the prom.




Do you just want to meet new and interesting friends?




Or maybe you're in trouble with the LAW.




Have you snagged your braces on your new friend's zipper?




Are people not taking you seriously?



Have The Forces of Darkness taken possession of your soul?




Maybe you don't know what to do with the girl you keep trapped in your bathroom.



Perhaps you're expecting a new baby?!



Or maybe the baby you already have just needs a new toupee?



Perhaps your upstairs neighbors are being too noisy?




Maybe you really need to get out of the house more.


Maybe you're feeling tired lethargic and....

*sigh*


Maybe you're embarrassed that the girls on the plane laughed when you exposed your penis.




Are you looking for just the right pet?


Are your coworkers not showing you enough respect?



Are you tired of night after night of meaningless threesomes?




Is your father's drinking becoming a problem?


Is that hit of acid you took taking you on a bad trip?


Have you been ensnared by narcotics?



Are you worried that your kid may want to try drugs?



Is there nobody who shares your passion to perform "Soul Man: the Musical!"?




Perhaps you're uncomfortable now that your nudist Uncle has moved in with you?



Or maybe you just feel robbed of your dignity.



Well friend... Have no fear. No matter what your problem may be, The Wizard is here to make it all better. Embrace his power. Tell him your troubles and let this humble blog be a portal to his powers.... A means of seeking his council and words of wisdom.


For if you believe in the Wizard, he will believe in you. With a wave of his mighty magic staff and a gaze through his mystically mystic Blue Blockers he can tell you the solution that will make all your problems melt away.

You'll feel safe, secure and contented once more.



Nestled snugly in the ample bosom of tranquility.

So, dear friend, don't fret or fear. Simply tell The Wizard what is it that troubles you.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Fan Mail

We all love to see people reading our blogs. Just thought I'd take a minute to say hello to all my readers who go out of their way to inspire me to keep blogging like a hyper-active little boy in a superhero outfit who desperately craves attention.

Here are just some of the special comments and kudos I have received lately.


"Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you."

Well, thanks for the very heartfelt coments.

Alot of interesting comments on this blog, I was searching for some doctor related info and some how came across this site. I found it pretty cool, so I bookmarked. I'll really liked the second post on the front page, that got my attention.My site is in a bit different area, but just as useful. I have a bigger enlargement penis penis pills.com size related site focusing on bigger enlargement penis penis pills.com size and mens health related topics.

Yeah, that "second post on the front page" sure is super dooper. I could see how you might have easily mistaken The Krankiboy Khronicles for a medical journal and continued to read on looking for relevant information. Your blog sounds totally awesome and unique too. I'll absolutely have to visit your site the next time I attempt to enlarge my penis. The homemade pump I made from a pickel jar and toilet plunger just dont seem to be working.

Hello, I just wanted to post a comment on how well you have put your Blog together. I was doing a search for prescription facial hair removal and came across your Blog. I personally run my own Blog for prescription facial hair removal so I know a good Blog when I see one.

Anybody interested in knows about facial hair removal would naturally be drawn to my like a moth to a flame thrower. Thanks for the kind words. Your blog sounds like a truly fascinating read.

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you! I have a ##KEYWORD## site/blog. It pretty much covers ##KEYWORD## related stuff.Come and check it out if you get time :-)lowering cholesterol

Dear Lowering Cholesterol,
Delighted that you visited my site. What a wacky screen name you have! I will absolutely check out your blog as I am a huge fan of keywords. I feel that they are often the most important words in a sentence and serve as a sort of "key" to understanding what something is about.
It's always nice to get praise from such a dedicated blogger.

Wow, what a great site. I will bookmark this site and return often. It's nice to see sites like this.Please visit my website and let me know what you think. Disney Tickets

Dear Mr. or Ms. Tickets, I'm sooo glad you like my site, it's a nice to get feedback from somebody who takes the time to really explore my blog. I was wondering if you get spammer comments in your email. Many of my friends have complained that they get tons of spam on their blogs, but I have been fortunate enough to attract true fans like yourself. Also thanks for sending me those 15 comments yesterday and 18 comments today. You might have accidentally hit send a few dozen times cuz all the comments were exactly the same. Ooopsie. :~)

Thank you to all of my brand new fans. Knowing you all enjoy my posts fills me with warm tinglies inside.

- Krankiboy

* This post was not spell-checked to draw attention to the sensless occupation and war in Vietnam-- I mean Iraq.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Rude Awakening

I crashed at my friend's place last night. I was up before my friend Ryan and his wife Alyssa woke up and I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and then bored with nothing to do, I brushed my teeth again and waited around a bit more for them to get up. You don't want to knock on the bedroom door of a married couple who has been kind enough to let you become unconscious on their futon. You run the risk of interrupting a saucy sesion of "The Naughty Waitress and the Fry Cook." In that way, the marital bedroom is a bit like an ancient Indian Burial Ground. "Where none shall tread uninvited." At least that's what the sign says on the ancient Indian burial ground near my apartment. The one near you may have slightly different rules.

So I am trapped with no means of transportation and sitting in the livingroom. I could have done the "Oops-did-I-turn-the-TV-on-too-loud" thing. But that's rather juvenile. Just as I was starring out into space and trying to mind meld with the couch there was VERY LOUD POUNDING on the front door. It was the sort of knock that barbarian invaders might make to attempt to batter down a castle wall. It was jarring and I imediately worried that my hosts would think I was the source of the pounding. I quickly went to the door and answered it. I put on my best butler voice and said "Mmmyessss, may I help you?" I almost choked on my tongue when I saw the beastly woman at the door. She was in her early sixties or perhaps she was a woman in her thirties exposed to intense radiation and was now seeking my help. She looked like she might have applied her make up in complete darkness. She had this ultra-bright, bleached blonde hair cut in long, long bangs pasted against her forehead. She actualy reminded me of the scary lady from the movie Goonies in a ratty blond wig. She had on a T-shirt that said "PACT" and wore heinous turquoise sweatpants that were... well they were not fresh from the dryer. And after my eyes were able to adjust properly I noticed that she also had an accessory with her. It was a very well dressed, slightly embarrassed and perplexed 11-year-old hispanic boy. He said nothing. She spoke to me in a gravelly voice with a huge manic clown smile on her face. "Aaare you the man of the house?" I told her, "No, I'm just a house guest." The hispanic mute blinked in confusion. Her fake smile drooped a bit as she told me (at 9AM on a Saturday)that she worked for a foundation to help children with cancer. She asked if I could make a donation to help them out. Which I interpreted as "Jesus Christ I rented this latino kid, so the least you can do is gimme a few bucks to buy whiskey."

I told her I couldn't help her out and her semi-smile turned into a witch sneer and then her smile vanished instantly. She and her hench-boy quickly hurried off before I could thank them for rousing my host and hostess.

I really hope that they aren't a legit charity.

A lot more has been going on in my life but it's not at all remotely funny so it's not blogworthy. There is a big furry dog staring at me here in this strange kitchen/office nook where I am typing. I am in dire need of a hearty dose of unconditional love right now so... sold.

*This blog has not been spell-checked to advocate protest against the war in Iraq.