WHY?
If you can answer any one of these burning questions please do. I'll be grateful. Hey, you might need my kidney one day.
Why do people avoid the light-up intersection to cross the street when they are wearing all black and I can't see them?
Why do they then give me that look. I call it the Queer Seer. It is a catty man-glance that says both, "Fuck off!" and "You're so 1998 I could vomit!" These sneers hurt me right down to the tender marrow of my delicate bones.
Why do people pay large sums of money to see a band do it's fourth "Final reunion tour?"
Why can't we all learn the same language? Why not Portuguese?
Why does my dog fart for 9 hours if I give him just one tiny sliver of carrot?
Why do people bring their infant babies to the movie theatre?
Why do most people consider faux gold to be classy?
Why do we have a leap year?
Why is their a stigma against men wearing skirts even in many warm climates?
Why is it that when my favorite show is on TV HBO in Spanish comes in crystal clear but Normal HBO is totally pixelated?
Why are rabbits feet from dead rabbits considered lucky?
Why do people choose to live where it's colder than a witch's tit almost all year round?
Why doesn't the 3-hole punch thing ever work properly on the first try?
Why would the same credit card company that cancels my account due to late payment send me an application for a new credit card?
Why do we call football soccer here in America? Soccer was around way before football.
Why do people think of pirates as fun and jolly characters when they mostly killed and tortured men, raped women, rarely showered and kept monkeys and parrots perched on their shoulders for no go reason.
Why do (not all) many little girls naturally love the colors purple and pink? Yeah even the ones with hippie-crunchy, earth-tone-lovin' parents.
Why do some people derive sexual pleasure from pain?
Why did Sam, Louis and I let Ricky bully us around in Junior High School when the three of us could have easily ganged up on him and kicked his ass?
Why do I always make fun of "those simpleminded impulse buyers" and then right before I purchase something glowy or shiny from the check out counter.
Why don't I ever see any black people when I go skiing?
Why is the White House allowed to withhold documents whenever they feel like it?
Why do old people's houses have "that smell"?
Why do assassins and serial killers always use their middle names?
Why do so many people bite their finger nails when they are nervous?
Why isn't Kindergarten called first grade?
Why is Kindergarten taken from a German word?
Why won't my dog learn to catch a Frisbee?
Why does Australia have to be so far away? (from me, not from itself)
Why are the female-named hurricanes so much more deadly than the male hurricanes?
Why is the tobacco company allowed to make it's own anti-tobacco commercials?
Why do the threats from Bin Laden and Al Qaida always remind me of the over the top, cheesy rants the Professional wrestler make to the camera?
Why do people constantly say "I'm sorry" for the tiniest little thing, thus removing any sincerity when the statement and sentiment is actually appropriate?
Why aren't there any words in English that rhyme with th e word "orange"?
Why do I care?
Posts
14 comments:
Lozenge.
Boring but true: Criminals' full names are used in the media to reduce the chances of them being confused with someone else who has the same first and last name. Or it makes them seem like more of a celebrity. Either one.
You care because you have one of those genius minds that thinks about stuff ALL THE TIME. You are way to smart for your own good, mister.
I used the wrong 'too.' I know. Don't get out the red pen and separate me from the smart kids, please?
Boring not really. Thanks I can use that at my next cocktail party. Buck that got me to thinking. That means that there are probably a few other guys named George Bush who hate George Bush and a few who support him but they both have to endure people constantly talking about what an asshole George Bush is. It's even more likely that there are hundreds of people named John Howard.
I wish I worked with some guy named John Howard or George Bush so that I could say horrible things about them to their face without them being aware.
I have low blood sugar right now, so if none of that makes sense that's why. Also the sun was in my eyes.
Jelly:
When did they ever allow you to mix with the smart kids in the first place. You might contaminate them. Oh Jelly, you're too bright and sweet to even mock sarcastically. You are one of the smart kids becuase you my dear are a nerd.
Also that guy who propositioned you on Melrose outside the sex shop asked for your address and phone number. Is that cool that I told him? I told him you weren't 14 but he still seemed interested.
Must increase blood sugar. Growing... weak.
I can answer the Australia question:
So that we are a safe distance when the rest of the world starts to bomb the crap out of you. Also, so we keep our 'rustic charm' longer than everyone else. And we can make snide comments about every other country without them overhearing us (apart from New Zealand, and we don't care if they hear our contempt for them).
Plus, we get to be called "the a--hole of the world" by everyone else (and even one of our former Prime Ministers), ... and you can kinda see it, anatony-wise.
...
In Australia, we have a fairly-big-name television actor who also goes by the name of John Howard (you can see a picture of him here), and yes, people are always asking which one you mean if you mention one of them (well, usually only if you want to speak about the actor, because otherwise it's assumed that you're talking about the Prime Minister).
In addition to that, I grew up with a family friend called John Howard as well.
It was always annoying, if talking about him to someone else, to have to put up with the frustratingly 'hilarious' jokes about his name. I can't imagine what it was like for him personally.
Although I feel worse for the Prime Minister, who must continually be mistaken for the actor and my family friend.
Now that I've answered one of your questions, are you going to visit my blog and answer the questions I've posed directly to you?
Oh, that's awful for poor JOhn Howard. No, not him. The other one.
Nah, it's alright. That one's a real jerk anyway.
Why do people think of pirates as fun and jolly characters when they mostly killed and tortured men, raped women, rarely showered and kept monkeys and parrots perched on their shoulders for no go reason.
For the same reason that people like those godawful 'funniest home video' shows: other people getting hurt themselves is funny. Also they speak like pirates which is rarrrther endearing and has a (very) little comedic value, they have the swashbuckle and it's really funny when the monkeys bite the pirate foe fingers. But mostly it's the swashbuckle.
And we have leap years because the people who made the calendar couldn't get it right. Seconds don't add up into years that match what the earth does. Every four years we need to add in a day's worth of seconds so that our clocks catch up to the earth. Which poses another why: Why don't we just redefine the second so that it makes sense?
Give me a minute. I'll come up with an answer to that in a moment. Just a tick.
By boring I just meant "not funny".
We have a leap year because it takes 365 days and 6 hours for the Earth to go around the Sun, so every 4 years the extra 6 hours add up to a full day. But 6 hours at the end of every year that isn't part of a day would be kind of cool and freaky. It'd be more fun if they just let it happen like that.
Yes, I'm a nerd. But, as Willow said on Buffy:
"I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in.
(Beat)
They're still in,
right?"
Oh my god, I just rebutted a nerd insult by quoting Buffy. I even included the timing of the delivery. I am officially a fucking LOST CAUSE OF A NERD.
As for my friend on Melrose - not cool. On the other hand, you can give whatever details you like to the Malamute guy *fans self*
On Bitch Tit cold climes:
Laying naked inside by a roaring fire, drinking red wine and eating cheese off naked lesbians while wistfully looking out at the sleet, snow and icy-cocles forming on frozen flowers outside...
this is a pleasure worth a year round winter.
On Golden Ponds:
I'm not sure whom I am fonda of. but I think Peter.
On stupid comments:
No comment.
On Ommmms.
Buddhists are sexy and they wear Lozenge robes.
On Joint Birthdays:
i didn't know joints had Birthdays. But if they did, I would be already plotting their party. And it would be a cracker.
On crackers:
Cheese goes well.
i thought technically melbourne was the arsehole of the world, geographically speaking, definately not blogographically speaking... ok anyone can have that one its crap
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