Feel The Juice: A Cabventure

I was riding in a cab with my friend Seth and we were talking about the idea of get rich quick schemes and how most get rich schemes actually prey upon people who are looking to get rick quickly themselves. That's when my friend told me he was going another route and was now making peace with poverty. He elaborated for me and it started to make a great deal of sense. Instead of killing yourself or (god forbid) working hard to attain material comforts, possessions, a large and fancy home and the opportunity to dine on fine food in exotic locations you simply go the other way and accept that you don't have very much, don't have to work very hard and decide to be okay with it. It's kind of Zen in a way. Eschuing the material wants and extraneous tidbits that we are forever chasing for the simplicity of the bare minimum.

Seth and I were into a pretty deep conversation so I was quite startled when the cab driver-- loudly exclaimed. "Poverty is the devil!" Then he began a manic monologue that I can only attempt to recreate. I wish we had him on audio or video. He jumped all over the place but some of the things I remember him ranting about were money and sex. "You got to have a good car and money in your pocket to take your nice lady out for dinner -- but I would never have sex with a condom because I GOTTA FEEEEL DA JUICE!... ya know?"

We goaded him hoping he'd share more of his blue collar brilliance with us.
"So, you seem to be saying that you don't like having intercourse while wearing a condom."

CABBIE: "Yeah, man. Dat's for shit. A condom on your cock is for shit shit! Dat's like sucking on a candy with the wrapper still on. When you're in the poosie YOU GOTTA FEEEEL DA JUICE! Mmmhh."

I think he then began espousing on the secret to happiness having something to do with being able to afford a nice car, a cute girl and someplace good to go for dinner. Then he quickly switched topics. I got the sense that he just wanted to talk so Seth and I just let him go.

I had this one girl in my cab and she says to take her to the Saint Francis Hotel and can I come get her in one hour, right?! So you know she's selling her trim trim. I mean I drove her to a few places and she was telling me how much she charges these guys like thousands of bucks right because some of these rich guys they will pay whatever for good trim. For her it's like popping a champagne cork but instead of a big gooey load coming out it's money for her. She's sucking up the money. She got a mouth full of money.

We got out of the cab and I told Seth that Taxi Cab Confessions had it all wrong. The real show would be putting a camera on the cab driver and just letting them rant.

I'd like to think that there was a deep philosophy behind the notion of "feeling da juice." A philosophy that embraces the world as it truly is, and the importance of not shielding oneself with a protective or insulating layer. How it is crucial to truly and fully experience all that life has to offer. That's really giving our cabbie too much credit. He just has very strong feelings about how he likes his "poosie."

Sometimes people I meet ask me why I left LA and "the biz" It's always been hard to articulate but this video resonated with me.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=1577240

Tatyana

A few days ago this email showed up in my mailbox. Sometimes I receive mail from blog readers and readers of http://www.thescene.com.au/ where I write some semi-purile ramblings and a Celery and Cube cartoon with the help of my good friend and collaborator Joe Shiggybuns. This wasn't one of those.

Greetings... It is written to you Tatyana by me have written to you onyour structure on site Yahoo. I ask the application that I have notwritten to you yesterday but I waited from you the letter yesterdayvery for a long time both you have not written also I already thoughtthat you do not write to me and I left from the Internet of cafe infact write to you from the Internet of cafe. And in the Internet ofcafe of service of the Internet cost dearly and I did not begin towait too much. And I would write to you a little about me that youknew I live in Russia in city Cheboksari it is not so big city to benear to river Volga. And I work as the operator on cooking a broth ona farm on cultivation of pigs. And it is very difficult at us in Russia to find work by a trade. And by a trade I the cook. And on mywork pay very few money but to month would suffice what to live andsupport. And I have decided to try the happiness on the Internet bothI have written to you and I so is strongly glad that you have writtento me. And as I send you my image of me. And if I have interested youthat write to me I with the big impatience tomorrow I would shall cometo the Internet of cafe what to read yours the letter of you. And onit I finish the letter with the best regards your new familiar ofRussia Tatyana.







Okay so Tatyana tries "the happiness on the internet." Maybe Krankiboy means something different in Russian. Most likely she just wants to get the hell out of her situation of cooking some kind of pig broth. Who can blame her?

Here is my response:

Hello Tatyana: I am not sure why you have chosen to write to me and send me your pictures. I am sure you are a very nice person, but I am not interested in a relationship.

I wish you good luck in your search.

Krankiboy

Today I received this. I think something may have been lost in the translation.



Greetings my new friend . And I am very glad that you have answeredme again. And I know that between us with you a difference in timeapproximately 8-10 hours and at you probably now even night. And Ihope that all of you understand that I write to you in fact mine theletter I I write to you earlier at school studied the English languageand I so is strongly glad that I studied it in fact now I can wellcommunicate with you. And as if you again will write me that we withyou we can talk tomorrow in this it is high time. And it is a littleabout me to me 29 years and my birthday in August of 13 numbers. I inRussia live together with my grandmother in fact at me anybody was notpresent from my native my parents were lost when I was absolutelysmall in accident. And as I was the only child in family I have nobrothers sisters. And since the smallest years of me my grandmotherbrought up and I am very strong to it for it is grateful. I have notenough friends but I am glad that at me the new friend has appearedand I think you my new friend. At me very difficult and heavy work. Ibefore have been never married also I have no children. We with mygrandmother live in an apartment together and we still have cat hisname is Murka. And you as write all about you and ask to me anyquestions of you to me it will be very pleasant to answer all yourquestions. Also write more about you and your life. And on it I finishthe letter I wish you to lead this week-end perfectly. Your new friendTatyana.

One Russian pig farm year must be equal to three normal years. Is she lying about her age or is it just a hard life that has aged her more quickly?

That's actually rather stylish wallpaper and some awesome looking hardwood flooring. Maybe I should have her fly me out and I can get a job chasing the pigs into the stew.

I'm at a loss. Can you help me out? Is so very lonely that I should correspond with her from time to time OR would that be somehow misleading to her and mean. OR should I just tell her to send me some skanky topless photos and promise to fly her out to be my bride. I'm kidding about the last part so don't any of you pervs ask. You know who you are.

Your thoughts?

And if I should write her please, please give me some ideas of what you'd like me to ask her.

Notable Quote

Notable Quote

"Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution.
On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans."

-- Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report