Monday, September 12, 2005

Rude Awakening

So I'm having a perfectly normal dream that I am a superhero puppet battling puppet bad guys and that I live in a ramshackle house filled with kittens. Then as the final bad guy and Ninja Puppet appears and I am about to fight him my dog Freckle Dick leaps onto the bed nearly landing on my face.

I freaked out and told him to get off the bed. He wouldn't move so I shoved him off. He got back on and stood on my chest. Then Ass Breath flanks me from the other side and they both begin to nudge me with their snouts. Not just your usual doggie nuzzling they meant serious business and these two dogs who total 55 lbs nearly knocked me off the bed. It was as if their dog god had commanded them to topple me.

So I took them out for a walk sprayed water on the plants in the yard that looked particularly brown. They did their dog business. I must have been grouchy because I considered tossing the stinky love nuggets over the wall to the next black over. I had a fleeting image of a woman sunbathing and enjoying a strawberry daquiri on a gorgeous day and then suddenly being pelted in the mouth with a flying turd. I decided it's not cool to rain fecal fury on one's neighbors. I know I wouldn't want my sunbathing daquiri time interrupted.
So does it make me a bad person because I considered doing it? Or, does it make me a good person for showing restraint and respect for my fellow man/imaginary chick in a bikini?

Be honest. I can take it.


fluffy said...

I choked on imaginary daquiri drinking turd choking bikini woman. You are a good person - a lesser person (me) might have flung the turd just to see if they were having an eerie vision of the future.

You've Got What I Need... said...

You're headed for sainthood, kranki.

kranki said...

So would I be the Patron Saint of not throwing shit at your neighbors?

I have always wanted to have my image done on an enormous and elaborate piece of stained glass.

If I get stuck for something to blog about I may have to hurl some doodie. At least that will be my flimsy excuse.

Anonymous said...

Once, my mother forced my younger brother to go out into our backyard and pick up the craps that our two dogs had done over the previous six months. He reluctantly went outside to perform the task. A few moments later my mum looked out a window into the backyard to see my brother catapulting each turd over the fence into the neighbours yard. He was promptly relieved of the duty and has not been asked to do the job since.

Anyway, do what you want with the craps, daydream about them, throw them over the fence OR dispose of them properly. Just be ready to accept the consequences of your actions.

BEVIS said...

It's funny - this is precisely how Wifey and I met. I was throwing doodoo over the fence and she was drinking a strawberry daquiri on the 'receiving end'.

(Of course, I don't have any pets, so you can draw your own conclusions there ...)

You're more saintly than me, then, Kranki. I can just see your stained glass window image, too.

Standing there in brown robes (they must be brown, obviously), looking all regal and pompous, holding up a little sign with an image of feces on it, and a red circle and line through it. The look on your face is self-righteous enough to say, "I trust you won't be letting me down in this regard, you filthy animal," and in your other hand you're holding a strawberry daquiri and a scrap of paper with your bikini-clad neighbour's phone number on it.


kranki said...


A) I had no idea that you were so wise in the subject of spiritual matters.

B) Your wife is a lucky lady.

BEVIS said...

A) Call me Rev Bev.

B) Yes she is. Yes indeedy she is.