Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Breakfast of Champions



I bought 200 hundred of these at the beginning of summer. 2 packs for 6 dollars. That's a deal. I would have bought adult diapers if they were priced that low. Yes yummy, frozen Otter Pops. I usually have two a day. For some reason they cause me to cough everytime I eat them. Perhaps my body is trying to reject the artificial flavors. They are very sugary sweet. There is no good reason to eat them yet I do because they're called Otter Pops. It's the same reason I eat Tofu Pups. They don't taste all that great, but gosh, what a cute name.

Still not a fan? Well prepare to rock out with the Otter Popstars.

Perhaps I'm trying to recapture my childhood innocence. No wait... I never had them as a kid because my mom would do things like get me a carob Easter bunny and tell me "it's just like chocolate, but good for you." Hear me now people! Carob is not at all like chocolate. Biting into what I thought would be a rich milk chocolate bunny ear and instead getting... Well, it scarred me for life. The adult equivelent would be promising your friend a date with Angelina Jolie or Tyra Banks and then have Nancy Reagan or Bea Arthur show up instead. Carob is evil. Carob is wrong. Carob is a crime against humanity. Carob is a culinary horror movie with no survivors. In fact first thing tomorrow I am going to call my mom up and demand to know why she committed a perverse act of pure cruelty on her one and only beloved baby boy.







9 comments:

MelbourneGirl said...

kranki i don't know where to start. the diapers - made me laugh. the coughing, you might be right. those things are full of evil colours. the fact there is no good reason to eat them apart from their name. and this means of course you have to have two a day, and there are only what is it a few left so you have eaten 194 or something. or have you shared them around?

and i'm with you all the way on carob. always so disappointing. always so unsatisfying.

fluffy said...

Otter pops will definitely have sulphur dioxide or sodium/potassium benzoate as a preservative. I used to get them and was finding that the apple flavoured ones gave me that cough too - and it turned out that the apple flavoured ones were the only one which had sulphur dioxide in them.

I don't want to start a whole "pro-mom" thing (and as you know I bitterly despise my own mother) but maybe she was onto something with the carob, or no additives thing at least. Carob is in fact evil. Chocolate, especially in bunny form, is the food of the gods.

Jellyfish said...

I'm sure it won't surprise anyone to learn that we were a Carob-Friendly Household. I love the logic - 17 glasses of Yellowglen champagne a day is fine, but dammit kids, don't eat ANY SUGAR!

Speaking of childhood innocence, you may have heard that one of my American friends took me to the happiest place on earth recently. I just blogged about it. Also, does anyone have that guy's address? I think I lost it.

Carson said...

Hey Kranki,

If you get tired of Otter Pops eaten just plain, you could try the variant on the bottom of this page.

Or, alternately, try them piping hot!

la nadine said...

you loved the carb army, krankiman.

now its time for the carob army. its time to take the bastards who make that shit down.

i too was tortured as a child.

BEVIS said...

So what'd she say?

gun street girl said...

My mother was also a carob-giver, every easter was such a bitter dissapointment.
I think it's a crime to soil a holy image like that of the rabbit with such a disturbing favour and texture...

ms fits said...

Is carob vegan?


I'm frightened.

kranki said...

Thank you for collectively swaddling me in a protective and nurturing choclate shell of anti-carob empathy.

Melbs: I didn't know if that diaper joke fell into the 4% of things that I write that make actual sense or not, so thanks.

Bevis: My mother apologized, and claimed to be on a "health kick" at that time in our lives. I told her it was more like an "evil kick." That's when the screaming started. Eventually she calmed me down.

Fits: I am 99.7% sure that carob is vegan. I feel like eating a big steak and then going out vegan bashing. Who's with me?

Nadine: As long as I can hand pick the ladies for the army and design the uniforms I'm on board.

Gun Street: All those who disrespect the Holy Bunny shall answer for their crimes in Hell.


Fluffy: They changed apple to lime as if that makes anything better.

Sulfur Dioxide - negative

Sodium Benzoate - affirmative

Now the best use for Otter pops, besides sushi, is stuffing them in your socks to cool you down.

Also I have our anti-mom T-shirts back from the printer. When do we march against motherhood?

Jelly: No comment on your comment. How dare you speak negatively of your parents.