Urge to Purge #1

Things get stuck in my head. Sometimes they are nightmares, sometimes they're deep philosophical questions and sometimes they're just lyrics to a horrid Paula Abdul song like Opposites Attract. Most people have enough room in their brains to just store these things up. I don't have the space to keep it all. Unfortunatley for me between the demons that live there, my depression, and some light recreational drug use there ain't all that much extra brain space left. Whereas most people can store billions of gigabytes of such crap, I have about as much mental storage room as an ipod shuffle. The old one.

This is my attempt to clear out my mind's lint trap,purge my mind and give the nice demons a bit more room to put their feet up and stretch out while they play cards with old man Depression. I'm basically dumping out the crap that gets clogged in the pool filter onto my blog.

Here is the thing that's been bouncing around my head. Best Seller Lists. I know that they track books to see which are best sellers. Does this mean that there is also a list of worst sellers out there? Ever other book I see has something about it being a best seller slapped on the cover so wouldn't that make it more special for a book to be on the worst seller list? What in the name of beloved Baby Jesus are the worst seller books about? The History of Burlap? How to Boil Water? Ant Farm Maintenence?

My Idea is to simply put out some slapped together book but then give it the big fat cover title of "875 Weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List!!!" That is bound to sell a few copies. Well, I feel temporarily purged. Now if I could get the chorus of that crappy Ben Lee song Catch My Disease unstuck from inside my head I'd be a happy Krankiboy.

When in doubt, take the dogs back out

I'm visiting with my mom during an extended Thanksgiving visit. This is in part to see her to address my guilt over being a bad son and not calling her for many months, part to eat the amazing food that she cooks, family bonding blah blah, but mostly because I like it up here in San Francisco. Something that I find odd about my mother is her ability to have a completely one track mind.
Here are two such examples.
I'll say "Hey, krankimom, do you mind if I watch football on television?"
"Sure, that's fine...what do you think we should have for dessert tomorrow?"
"Um... whatever... or nothing."
"I can make a cherry cake. It will go well with the turkey soup."
At this point I pretended to be absorbed by the game rather than get into a stupid discussion over how cherry cake and turkey soup "go well" together.

She seems to use my visit as an excuse to make lavish deserts that she can then feel less guilty about eating.

Later the next day
"Mom, what channel is your CNN up here?
"I don't know but we need to go to the market before it closes to get the ingredients for the cherry cake that you asked me to make."
"I never mentioned cherry cake, Mom. You did."
"Well, whoever, I still need the ingredients if you want me to make it."
That's when I announced that the dogs needed to be taken on another walk. Why not, they hadn't been outside in nearly 35 minutes.

Happy Hollywood Holidays from Kramer and The Juice

Golly, it sure has been a fun week here in Hollywoodland.


Zany Michael Richards

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Lovable O.J. Simpson

I love watching the Michael Richards clip. There is something very raw and mesmirizing about watching a human being have a nervous breakdown and totally self destruct on stage. It's like watching somebody take leave of their senses and drive off a cliff on purpose.

Doesn't O.J. look happy lately? You would too if you just got paid millions of dollars for a TV show that is never going to air and a book entitled If I Did It Here's How it Would Have Happened. Bill O'Reily (Self Important Duchebag and MSNBC personality) is taking credit for having Fox decide not to air the tasteless attempt at ratings grabbing. The reality is that no advertisers wanted to buy time on the show which is the business decision for why it was scrapped. But the important thing is that O.J. got paid but still has yet to pay any of the 17.7 million dollar judgment that he lost in civil court. I wish the judgment had been that O.J. must rejoin the National Football league so I could watch them knock the living shit out of him every Sunday. I'm currently working on a sure fire hit. It's a wacky Buddy comedy Starring O.J. Simpson and Michael Richards as two LAPD Homicide cops who bond over their love of Necrophilia. Mel Gibson plays their kooky, Jew-hatin' police chief. Hilarity ensues.

I'm just going to sit back and wait for Fox and Rupert Murdoch to call. The O.J. and Kramer casting combo is gonna be the biggest thing since Chocolate met Peanutbutter. I strongly suggest that you start kissing my ass now so I'll invite you to the show's premier party. I've got to go now and pre-count my money. I just need some suggestions for a good name for the show.

xoxo Executive Producer, Krankiboy

Gobble Fucking Gobble

Yeah, it's nearly Thanksgiving time here in America or as the rest of the English speaking world calls it... Thursday.

Pardon me for sounding like a cuntarded stand-up comedian but I feel the need to make the observation that Turkey Day is a stupid holiday. The best thing I can say for the holiday is that millions of little kids trace their hand to make the outline of turkeys. Thanks to the Indians for helping the pilgrims survive the harsh winters when they first arrived in North America. Sorry about killing you all off and taking your land but if the Casinos do well enough maybe you can buy your land back and restock the place with buffalo.

Make your own Hand Turkey... Bitch Amusingish Hand Turkeys

Somebunny sent me something

About a week ago I got a package from some bookstore that I hadn't ordered. I'm not sure why I didn't open it as I was curious. I probably just set it down on the table in my living room. This table has properties very similar to the Bermuda Triangle and the package disappeared for quite some time. Today about two weeks later I get another package. This one has my address handwritten in pink pen. I opened it up right away and this book was inside.



I hadn't ordered this. Why would I? I wasn't doing any kids book research. I quickly did a hard target search of the Bermuda Rectangular table and found the unopened package from the bookstore. I opened it and found the identical book. This one had a receipt and it said that I had ordered it through eBay. I didn't. Why do I have two copies of It's Not Easy Being a Bunny?

What was especially odd was that at the time I was watching the film What the Bleep do we Know? It was all about Quantum Physics and reality and the perception of reality and how do we process what is real and what is perceived as real. Is what we perceive to be reality actually reality or just observed reality? They talked about how looking into this question will lead you down a "rabbit hole." That's when I went outside and found the Bunny book. Now I'm reading it looking for some deep hidden message of profound importance as if fate has placed this item in my path for a reason. So far all I can get is that P.J. Funnybunny, the story's protagonist, does not like eating cooked carrots for every meal and he does not like having such great big ears. It hasn't mentioned anything about time being a construct of applied perception. Maybe I need to reread the part where P.J. goes to live with the possums.

Blog Shy

Blogging used to be a nice escape and a way to connect with other people and sometimes prompt a laugh or two. A good unique creative outlet. Now everybody and their mother and their mother's cat have their own blogs. More than that however is the fact that I feel that certain people who know me well may be judging me and scrutinizing my blog and I'm not eager to provide them with any glimpse into my life. I'm frankly not interested in my almost ex-wife (for one) to have even a vague idea what is going on in my life. There is a 99.8% chance she and others never look at it but the 0.2% chance she is is enough to put me off the slice of life style blog. I'll have to find a way to express myself while sharing nothing of myself or putting my life into the spotlight. I always liked being able to just write whatever came into my mind but now the internal editor is working overtime and harshing my mellow.

My New Hero

Even on days when I am feeling down there are people out there who are able to lift up my spirits and hold me captivate in a state of awe.

I still find it remarkable that the internet connects the pure masters of their craft with a simple citizen like myself. Sometimes I feel unworthy.

You will want to have a pen and paper handy when you view this.















http://www.thorlinks.com/mediaview/978/How_To_Pimp_Slap

Wock On!

In the same week I had two somewhat similar first person accounts relayed to me. I feel guilty for finding them amusing.

The first was my friend Roz who went out on a date with a Chinese professor who works at her college. They went to see the professor's twin brother play at a small club. The twin is a serious musician. He sings vocals and plays acoustic guitar. He was apparently musically talented but his accent made all the R sounds into W sounds in a very Elmer Fudd fashion. Why he chose of all songs he chose to do Aerosmith's classic Wub in an Elewader and Joan Jet's I Wub Wock and Woll is a mystery. I wish I had been there to provide more details and squirm in embarrassment for him.

Tonight my buddy and I went out for drinks. I needed to de-stress badly so it was a rareish and much needed outing. He had been out at a bar and had the "pleasure" of listening to a very polished karaoke rendition of the song Working 9 to 5. However the singer happened to be mentally retarded and even getting the recap second hand I nearly wet my pants.

I hope the Retarded Chinese Musicians' Guild doesn't track me down. That could spell sewious twuble for me.

Yes, I'm going to Hell when I die but I won't be lonely.

Secret Identity

I had to remove that lovely post with the link to the picture I drew because I need to protect my secret identity. If you know my secret identity then you are truly lucky and/or saddled with me as your pessimistic friend.

At any rate I must be off to battle the forces of Evil wherever they may lurk.

Go here. Draw a picture. Tell me what kind of picture you get back. That will show evil who is boss.
www.sketchswap.com

Bumper Stickers

I was on my way back from Northern California today. While driving along the Pacific Coast Highway I saw hundreds of bumper stickers adorning cars and trucks. Here are just 4 of my favorites with some comments.


1) If you can read this then you can probably also smell the FART I just made for you. Stop Tailgating Me!

I truly hate people who drive so close to me that they make my ass itch. This bumper sticker is pro-safe driving and a bit low brow. I approve.

2) GOD was my Co-Pilot... but we crashed in the Andes and I was forced to eat him.

This one shows a blatant disgust for organized religion's pushy preachy attitude. Two thumbs up!

3) Shaving is behaving! Take a Razor to your Bush.

It's playful, slightly dirty, political, and it rhymes. I approve.

4) I Love Porn

Simple, brave, and refreshingly honest. Kudos to you sir.


Have you seen any good bumper stickers? Share.

I can count my L.A. friends on one finger

It's freeing to now be a self-proclaimed asshole. It allows me to say whatever is on my mind with 75% fewer apologies after the fact.

I read the news and saw a bit on TV about the plot to blow up planes headed into Los Angeles International Airport that was foiled a few days ago. Honestly aside from the cruel carnage and vaporizing a few thousand innocent tourists and one nice guy, Roy, who works as an airport baggage handler, I thought it was a pretty fantastic idea.

Blowing the living hell out of LAX could protect millions of people from exposure to this culturally and morally bankrupt sesspool. Blow the entire place up? A grand notion. In fact, I like the idea so much that I'll even do jumping jacks while holding sparklers and blasting ACDC tunes if you need a good distraction.

Actually, I hope they wait until February when I'll be gone from here? Unless of course I've already been forever tainted by this city and should be butchered like a diseased baby sheep. If so, please go easy on the pain level. Perhaps mine could be Death by Chocolate? Just a suggestion.

Taking a trip out of LA even for a few days has helped me realize what an ugly soulless steaming pile of shit this town is.

Los Angeles deserves to be blown to subatomic bits. Here is a partial list of reasons.

1) It's dirty. Even the motherfucking air is dirty. Yes, the air here fucks mothers. I am breathing in dirty ever time I inhale. I am polluting my lungs and not for a buzz or any kind of high either. Air is supposed to be invisible. LA air is frighteningly visible. In fact some days... chunky.

2) 104% of the people who live here do not give a shit about you, or me. They care about you if you can help their career, get them into a cool club or help them fuck somebody hot.

3) 96% of the people you mistook for your friends are fairweather friends. They think you're great unless you can't drive them to the airport and take care of their cat for a month while they go to Jamaica. Kitty is so easy to care for. Just dont' forget that kitty needs to have his teeth flossed daily and special cream rubbed on his kitty anus. If you aren't willing to do that and your "freind" no longer needs you to go out with them to make them feel socially secure and validated while they look for sex from another human being you are now disposable.

4) The California education system is the worst funded in the United States because people don't want to have property tax go to fund education like it does in the other 49 states. They don't see how having good schools would be of any benefit to them or their community. I think it's called prop 13 that made this happen. Now this year the schools in LA are getting an additional 60% cut in funding. Damn, my "become a teacher to get stinking rich" plan isn't looking so hot anymore.

5) Arnold Schwartzenegger is our Governor. Clearly he has the qualifications to run the 7th largest economy on Earth. Exterminate the terminator.

6) Most people here think plastic surgery is just fine. Beware the spread of the Tanorexic Bimbo Virus.

7) In LA you're only as cool as the car you drive. This leaves those of us who own beige 1990 Honda Accords shit out of luck.

8) Melanie Griffith, Carrot Top, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Mel "I blame the Jews" Gibson, Joan Rivers, that arrogant ass-face rapper dude and that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft... They all live here.

9) Had they blown LAX airport up on schedule I would not have had my car stopped and impounded on Saturday by the Airport Cops. Granted my registration was overdue, but they in their wisdom decided not to ticket me but to make me get out of my car and impound it. I was driving my aunt to catch her flight at the time and we had to take a bus to the other side of the airport. How the fuck do you get around LA with no car? How the fuck do I even get home? I called my friend (singular) and she picked me up.

And finally
10) They're making another Rocky Movie. End the pain.

Los Angeles is supposedly part of humankind but I think they should be disqualified as the people here are neither human nor kind.

Soddom and Gomorrah certainly had their day of reckoning (if you believe that Bible book that God thoughtfully wrote for us is true). Personally I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster advocate myself.

So if they got theirs then perhaps LA has it's day of recokining on the way. I'll try and keep the faith. I'd suggest that they posion the water supply but the water here is already so shitty tasting that we all drink bottled water as it is.

There are perhps 8 people I know in LA that I think are worthy of not being blown to high hell. Wait... sorry, it's 9 people who deserve to live. I almost forgot to include Roy the baggage handler.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I'm sure that in a few days millions of American school kids will be delighted to be starting back at school once again. No doubt the vast majority will be forced to write essays entitled "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" for their utterly fascinated teachers.

Mainly these Summer stories revolve around trips to Disneyland or Splash Mountain water parks or visiting grandma in Florida. There is always the little pompous rich kid who seems to enjoy addressing the class to tell them all about his European Excursion and all the countries that he went to and all the culture he absorbed. "I even ate snails!" Ewwwww. And their favorite place of all in Europe was France - gay.

Often there is a weird mischievous cousin in the story who either did something dangerous with fireworks or was cruel to somebody's pet cat or hamster.

Sometimes there is a family funeral that the kids feel compelled to write about and totally brings the class down. However that's only if it's one of those downer kids who shares things that nobody really gives a dead rat's buttock about.

There is the child of the hippies who went to agriculture camp and connected to the earth and will bother you for the rest of the year to recycle.

Theatre camp for some of the narcissist kids who have now been encouraged to be loud and sing show tunes on the bus to field trips.

And there is always a kid who will tell you in extreme detail what level he got to on his new Xbox video game

I have already written my own "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay. It completely covers everything new and different and exciting that I've done with myself over the last two months.

I hope you enjoy the read:
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How I Spent My Summer Vacation

by Anti-social Asshole

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This past summer I grew a beard. Then it got annoying so I shaved it off.

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The End

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Please submit your 1 to 88 line long essay that tells how You spent your Summer/Winter vacation. I will grade them and give you my inappropriate teacher comments.

Mongolian Barbecue and Giant Tortoises

I had some lovely Mongolian BBQ tonight. I left the house and everything. Drove a car... parked it... just like a real grown-up.

As I was eating the amazing food I was thinking about Genghis Khan the ruthless Mongol invader and wondering what prompts a man to go out and lead armies in the slaughter of other human beings when he could instead just enjoy a nice marinated juicy steak with some kimchi and an icey Coca-Cola

I suppose Genghis was intent on spreading the love of BBQ as far east as he could. A noble goal.

I also bought a book yesterday with a fact in it that blew my mind.

A tortoise was presented to Captain Kidd in 1770. This tortoise lived from 1770 until 1965. That is from the Revolutionary War all the way to the Vietnam War. From the birth of Beethoven to Bob Marley's first billboard hit.

That unravels my brain.

Aussie Anecdote

The vast majority of my readers (a.k.a. Davethescot) have demanded an anecdote:

Here is the first one that comes to mind.

Just before heading to the Meredith Music Festival in Australia I met this dude named Dangerous. Despite his scary sideburns he seemed nice enough and shared some joy pills with me. As the sun began to set this fellow Dangerous went out of his mind on drugs and he kept calling me Kranki-Cunt really loudly*. In my drug-addled sensitive puppydog haze I wandered away from this strange man to escape and hopefully find solace in the arms of hot sweaty dancing Australian women.

Many hours later, when my first foray into international flirting almost lead to a fist fight, I wisely decided to return to the campsite. A tactical retreat. However it was now very dark and I was most righteously stoned and lost in this strange land. I walked about for what seemed like hours and finally concluded that I was full-on lost. I started to panic realizing that I was on the other side of the Earth in the dusty outback with no clue what to do. Druggie tears began to well up in my big dopey eyes.

Just then, far in the distance, I heard the familiar sound of loud Scottish foul-mouthed boozhound talk. Allah be praised! I was able to follow these sweet, dulcet tones back to my campsite and tuck nicely into a warm friendly sleeping bag.

Thanks Dangerous. The next night I found Jesus but that's another story.

* It was actually perfectly normal drunken Scottish conversation volume but I didn't know that at the time. I also wasn't culturally aware that being repeatedly called a Kranki-Cunt was a sign of affection.

NAME CHANGE

I have attempted to modify the blog name for accuracy and veracity.

Please don't confuse the Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes with the Automobile Association of America. If you are stuck on the roadside and need help. I'm probably not the best person to call upon.

I notice the change from Krankiboy Khronicles to Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes has not actually happened despite attempts. Perhaps there is a profanity blocker on blog names. Stupid fucking Bloggerfucker.

Another Paranoid American?

It's not paranoia if someone is actually after you.

Poor Dave

read this


Came across this for anybody interested. Scary scary shit. If it is fiction then it's good writing. And if it's not, the world isn't going to hell, we're already there.

I embrace the fact that Chappelle has been able to point out the absuridity of racism with his brand of humor and have always been a fan of his. If I'm killed in my home you'll know that it was Oprah that did it.

Scientology, The Christian Right, The Black Crusaders it's all too much to take. The Nation is continuing to rapidly divide into the rich and the poor and this consolidation of power creates an underclass. Shades of the French Revolution.

All this evil evil crap from cause for war fabrication to get you and your friends rich to crushing the first ammendment rights that made our country great because some wealthy person thinks that they know better. It's all being done with good intentions.

I hate so many of the changes that the Post Clinton years have brought about and it's only getting worse. Big Brother is watching AND listening. Go back to the distractions that keep you ignorant and embrace the Matrix of delusion.


http://www.chappelletheory.com/theory_may_2005.html

The Soccer Seer

During the last week of school the kids were very caught up in the World Cup.
Some were terribly well-informed on the details of the game.

I'm not all that up on my World Cup Football so I asked a few questions from a young man I will call "The Soccer Seer." The 11-year-old Seer is not related to The Wizard by the way. The Wizard was recently extradited to Jamaica and is currently working through some child support issues with several of his common-law wives.

Mind you this conversation happened 2 weeks ago.

Me: So, does Italy have a good team?

The Seer: Well Mr. Kranki, I'd like to say yes, but they are well known for faking injuries to draw penalties and I lose respect for any team that plays that way.

Me: So they cheat?

The Seer: If you consider bribing referees on a regular basis and flopping like they are sensitive little girls instead of professional athletes to be cheating then yes.

I didn't get to talk to him much about the Australian team but he did say that they were a gutty group of players with a good team balance.

The Seer: Look for Brazil and Argentina in the Finals. Look for the United States to be sent packing early. England also has an outside shot if they can avoid red cards.

You heard it here first. Of course I don't have a TV so somebody tell me if he's correct.

I rely on listening to 103.1 and Steve Jones (formerly of the Sex Pistols) He has a show called Jonsie's Jukebox that provides me with most of my sports information.

Go obscure underdog team that nobody thought would make it this far in the World Cup!!! I've always liked those guys.

Wake Up Call

Today is the first blog of the rest of your life. Make it count people. Don't squander your first ammendment or whatever they call the Aussie laws that protect your right to opinionated mindless crap written in the guise of entertainment.

So, a few things I think are good ideas to make the world a better place.

1) A gigantic swear jar that everybody in the United States can use instead of making us pay takes. Why not tax the things we hold dear like four-letter expletives and angry rants of profanity.

2) Having ice cubes made from freezing the exact liquid in beverage you're drinking instead of water so that your beverage doesn't get watery like it does if youhave a Coke or an orange juice and drink it too slowly.

3) Reality show called "The Littlest Terrorist"

4) Training monkeys to serve as drivers for the elderly to avoid accidents. Obviously we'd only use the very smart monkeys to do this.

5) All the land in the world taken up by golf courses should immediately be made available for Live Action Role Playing such as Darkon. Golfers would then have the option of battling the "Realm" to reclaim their golfing rights. Young outcasts from mainstream society battling wealthy aging golfers armed with clubs and carts is an idea whose time has come.


Any spelling or grammar errors you find have been intentionally left to enhance the realizm of this blog and call attention to American Imperialism.

Pink Slip Video

Why haven't you been posting Krankiboy? Well, I was clinically depressed, busy and working like mad and decided to cut off most contact with the outside world which oddly didn't actually help. But then I had to put that plan aside as I felt morally obligated to share this video?

So many questions.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?search=retarded&v=g2BqKf1eoaQ

Krankiboy vs The Hedge Hogs.

Okay, I think I've been sitting on my ass long enough with my blog. I found a challenge.

There is a website where you can sponsor a hedge hog. It's similar to save the children but this one helps a shelter to protect hedgehogs, badgers and other animals and help return them to the wild. Awww... Hedgehogs are my my absolute favorite animal besides my dogs Ass Breath and Freckle Dick of course.


The Secret World site has just over 100 thousand views. I have about 96 thousand views. I would like to pass them in views. I thought this would be a nice way to draw some attention to the hedgehog cause and help motivate me to get my readership up again. If you help me (or don't) to get past their page hits I'm going to donate 100 U.S. dollars to the hedge hog cause. If not, fuck em, I gave them lots of traffic.


Now does anybody (Boudy, Fluffy?) know how to put a permanent link on my blog in the corner so it's always up on my blog's main page? Thanks.



http://www.secretworld.org/data/merchandise.htm