Friday, August 11, 2006

I can count my L.A. friends on one finger

It's freeing to now be a self-proclaimed asshole. It allows me to say whatever is on my mind with 75% fewer apologies after the fact.

I read the news and saw a bit on TV about the plot to blow up planes headed into Los Angeles International Airport that was foiled a few days ago. Honestly aside from the cruel carnage and vaporizing a few thousand innocent tourists and one nice guy, Roy, who works as an airport baggage handler, I thought it was a pretty fantastic idea.

Blowing the living hell out of LAX could protect millions of people from exposure to this culturally and morally bankrupt sesspool. Blow the entire place up? A grand notion. In fact, I like the idea so much that I'll even do jumping jacks while holding sparklers and blasting ACDC tunes if you need a good distraction.

Actually, I hope they wait until February when I'll be gone from here? Unless of course I've already been forever tainted by this city and should be butchered like a diseased baby sheep. If so, please go easy on the pain level. Perhaps mine could be Death by Chocolate? Just a suggestion.

Taking a trip out of LA even for a few days has helped me realize what an ugly soulless steaming pile of shit this town is.

Los Angeles deserves to be blown to subatomic bits. Here is a partial list of reasons.

1) It's dirty. Even the motherfucking air is dirty. Yes, the air here fucks mothers. I am breathing in dirty ever time I inhale. I am polluting my lungs and not for a buzz or any kind of high either. Air is supposed to be invisible. LA air is frighteningly visible. In fact some days... chunky.

2) 104% of the people who live here do not give a shit about you, or me. They care about you if you can help their career, get them into a cool club or help them fuck somebody hot.

3) 96% of the people you mistook for your friends are fairweather friends. They think you're great unless you can't drive them to the airport and take care of their cat for a month while they go to Jamaica. Kitty is so easy to care for. Just dont' forget that kitty needs to have his teeth flossed daily and special cream rubbed on his kitty anus. If you aren't willing to do that and your "freind" no longer needs you to go out with them to make them feel socially secure and validated while they look for sex from another human being you are now disposable.

4) The California education system is the worst funded in the United States because people don't want to have property tax go to fund education like it does in the other 49 states. They don't see how having good schools would be of any benefit to them or their community. I think it's called prop 13 that made this happen. Now this year the schools in LA are getting an additional 60% cut in funding. Damn, my "become a teacher to get stinking rich" plan isn't looking so hot anymore.

5) Arnold Schwartzenegger is our Governor. Clearly he has the qualifications to run the 7th largest economy on Earth. Exterminate the terminator.

6) Most people here think plastic surgery is just fine. Beware the spread of the Tanorexic Bimbo Virus.

7) In LA you're only as cool as the car you drive. This leaves those of us who own beige 1990 Honda Accords shit out of luck.

8) Melanie Griffith, Carrot Top, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Mel "I blame the Jews" Gibson, Joan Rivers, that arrogant ass-face rapper dude and that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft... They all live here.

9) Had they blown LAX airport up on schedule I would not have had my car stopped and impounded on Saturday by the Airport Cops. Granted my registration was overdue, but they in their wisdom decided not to ticket me but to make me get out of my car and impound it. I was driving my aunt to catch her flight at the time and we had to take a bus to the other side of the airport. How the fuck do you get around LA with no car? How the fuck do I even get home? I called my friend (singular) and she picked me up.

And finally
10) They're making another Rocky Movie. End the pain.

Los Angeles is supposedly part of humankind but I think they should be disqualified as the people here are neither human nor kind.

Soddom and Gomorrah certainly had their day of reckoning (if you believe that Bible book that God thoughtfully wrote for us is true). Personally I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster advocate myself.

So if they got theirs then perhaps LA has it's day of recokining on the way. I'll try and keep the faith. I'd suggest that they posion the water supply but the water here is already so shitty tasting that we all drink bottled water as it is.

There are perhps 8 people I know in LA that I think are worthy of not being blown to high hell. Wait... sorry, it's 9 people who deserve to live. I almost forgot to include Roy the baggage handler.


fluffy said...

that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft...

Janice Dickinson?

Jason said...

Jeez, now I feel kind of guilty.

But, I actually like LA, and my car, well, it's bitchin.

-- Carson

kranki said...


Your chickencat picture blinks at me and it scared the living fucking living holy human fucking shit out of me. I was up late one night and it blinked and I just about flipped out and thought I was losing my mind.

Fortunately the voices in my head calmed me down.

Hey Jason: Pleasantly surprised to see a comment on my Nerdlog from you.

You're on the list of nine people. If neither of us will get stabbed it would be nice to see you.

Neil said...

Hey, the Hungarian guy at the bakery at the Farmer's Market on 3rd and Fairfax is pretty nice.

kranki said...

Well okay you can add him to the list as well. He can have my spot.

Crritic! said...

So I don't live in LA (never been to the place) and I'm not your friend, but if I ever ran into you on the streets of Melbourne, I would buy you a beer or a coffee, or a coffee with beer in it.

LA obviously doesn't know who it's dealing with.