Monday, September 06, 2004

We're Never Satisfied

Everybody likes to express themselves in some way. From the already rich and famous Quarterback who feels that he also needs to show his rap star skills, to the shy school girl with braces who plays the clarinet and just wants to make friends. Everybody wants more than they have already. Content? Me? No, never. Some people don't need much, they just like to be creative and use the internet as a medium for their work. Some people like to have feedback on their posts, art, writing, naked pictures, whatever. And that's fine. I suppose that it isn't any stranger for somebody to enjoy having sex while people watch them than it is for somebody to want people to read their boring-as-all-fuck blog about what they ate for breakfast or who they want to go to prom with or what they think of their sister's new boyfriend. A good blog will have elements of both the titillating and the mundane and it will likely fall somewhere between- "Did you like my haiku about puppies? " and "Watch me blow a fat load all over this skanky chick's face!" But most people, and you may feel I deserve inclusion in this group, don't really know how or why they write blogs or internet diaries or MySpace or, where this need for feedback on their art show, screenplay or whatever, comes from. I just use Blogger. I'm like the old man who doesn't like to try new things. What's that? Is that something different?... Then I'm not interested." The same I suppose could be said of little kids who refuse to eat anything green or weird or "vegetable-ly." I wasn't so set in my ways when I was younger. I wish I still had a more consistent, adventurous, curious and embracing spirit. I've seen this side of myself, but it's not usually around very long and if you question it, it'll quickly rush off like a politician caught with their pants down, muttering a curt "No Comment" and disappearing before you can ask it anything pertinent. I hope I enjoy being a teacher and I hope I can turn the job into something that gives me emotional and creative satisfaction. On good days I'm psyched to get in there and on days when I'm let's say a bit hungover, or lethargic from the heat. I can create an imaginary world of worries. I've always had this ability. I remember being a child in my bed at home and going out of my way to imagine strange vulture-like creatures coming out of the attic and approaching me as I slept. Yeah, the movie The Dark Crystal really fucked up my sleeping habits for quite a while. Eventually I had to use my imagination to name all the superheroes I could think of and imagine that they were looking out for me. But then of course I decided I had to name them all in five seconds or the Attic Monsters would kill me in my sleep. I don't even want to talk about the idea of monsters under the bed. So anyway, the point I'm trying and failing to make in a round and round about manner is that we're all looking for validation from someplace. There isn't anybody I know of who is content to live a life without praise, acknowledgement or attention of some kind from others. As far as I know they haven't made a drug that will just let you appreciate what you have and accept yourself for who you are without all the other bells whistles and brain-warping effects. I'm sure when they do eventually create such a drug it will have a small side-effect like causing you to urinate molten lava or constantly crave human flesh. Or it will be highly addictive and cost two-thousand dollars per pill. Validation, right, stay focused, don't think of the scary monsters. Validation comes at such a high price for people that it's not usually worth chasing in the end. It only leads for a desire for more, better, hotter, cooler, newer, tastier, lemon-scented, extra crispy, low carb, new and improved, cheaper, easier, funnier, friendlier, faster, happier, smoother and on and on. We're holding ourselves up to impossible standards and we are convinced that we can have it all, eat our cake, save the princess and ride off into the sunset. So is this something everybody experiences? Is it the human condition to be restless and to want want want!? Why can't I just give myself validation for what I have done and what I am doing with my life and just be done with it. Accept the choices that I've made, sit down and read a book? I'm going to try. I am fairly outgoing and extroverted but some people simply crave more attention than a naked woman on fire running through Times Square at rush hour. So much of our disdain and hatred comes from jealousy and we won't even admit it to ourselves. So should we try and validate what we do and not compare yourself to other people? Impossible. We all go through the I'm 17 and I still haven't been laid, I'm 25 years old and I don't own my own mega corporation yet. I'm 30 and I haven't even written one great novel. I'm 35 and I still don't have a palace and my own personal harem. Stupid things. I've been writting blogs for almost three months and I still only get 85 visitors a day. I'd like to say that it is something we can rise above, but it might be part of our basic human survival instinct. And as Robert Downey Jr. or anybody who's ever owned a Siberian Tiger will tell you, you can never fully control instincts. They're too strong. What am I trying to say? If I knew that I wouldn't need to be a writer. At least I'll know that I've left behind a legacy of strange and rambling thoughts. So, ultimately, what I really want to know is this.

Do you like my haiku about puppies?

Soft, cold, wet, black nose
you crave my pure attention
eat, pee, play, poop sleep

And if you do like it isn't it an absolute crime that it hasn't been made into a full length movie yet?

Isn't that what it all boils down to? Validation.


BEVIS said...

You are a true literary and comical genius in your own right, and I trust the day will come when you don't need validation from lame, uncultured and humorless beings who frequent - all-too-unfrequently - your blog. I always enjoy reading your musings (even those about American politics and other stuff I don't understand), and I know others do too. I know I'm not one to 'validate' your need for validation, but you should at least have worked out by now how much I for one enjoy visiting your blog.

And if you only ever touch one person's life, isn't that worth it?

Nah, probably not. Good point. But what I mean is, as one trained teacher to another, it's all about the impact you make on individuals. And you, my friend (if I can call you that without sounding stalky and weird), have done just that to me. I look forward to reading your blog every day, and I know that makes me a nerd, but I'm proud of it.

I don't know if I've strayed from my point here or what - and I realise this is a far cry from the usual drivel and stupidity I like to leave scattered around your blog like so much semen at a porn shoot - but I wanted to be serious for a moment and say:

Thank you.

BEVIS said...

Boobies!! Aha!

(I just wanted to quickly return to normal - and also, may I please reiterate that I'm not gay.)

Miss Know It All said...

I like this post. It says a lot. More than I can say obviously.
Also, did you just put a random "boring as fuck blog?" Cause you could do a post every day entitled "Boring blog of the day."

kranki said...

Miss K.I.A.
That is a great idea. But because I'd have to hunt through all those boring blogs, I think perhaps Boring Blog of the Week is do-able. But yeah, you could do Boring Blog of the Hour.

BEVIS: Just because I'm an American doesn't mean I'm homophobic. I think I already gave you the title of Unofficial sidekick or side dish (your choice), so you can feel free to express yourself. And thanks for your generous and heartfelt words of support. Your pay is in the mail.

I assume it's okay if I pay you in Guilders. They're pretty.