Thursday, September 09, 2004

Finally a Card I Can Use!

I assume that they're all printed on recycled and smokeable material.

Here are my sample ideas. Share one or two of your own.

1) Dear Andy, I'm sorry you wound up deep throating that chocolate eclair and then gagging on your new Nike sneakers. We shouldn't have dared you.

2) Sweet sweet, Mindy. I just wanted to say that I had a great time on the birthday camping trip with you and your (ex?) boyfriend Mike. Don't worry. It's only been a few weeks. Those search dogs are really well trained and I bet they'll at least find his decomposing corpse. You know, if the wild animals haven't eaten away at it to bad. Anyway, my suggestion for us all to take one bong hit for every year old we were, probably wasn't such a hot idea. Also you still owe me $12.55 in gas money from the drive back. If they don't find Mike alive, you wanna have some cocktails with me in my van this weekend?!

3) Hi Mom! I'm really, really, sorry that I stabbed you in throat with your knitting needle, but the acid I was tripping on made me see you as a spider demon trying to wrap me in your webbing. I don't think I would have even taken the hit of acid if I hadn't gotten so stoned first. I know we'll look back at laugh at the incident when you're out of the coma. Also I promise not to buy acid from that dealer any more.

Love, Jim

4) Yo, Jim, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your mom and her being in a coma and shit. That is fucked up. I can't help but feel partly responsible since I sold you that wack Acid. I didn't know that it was the one laced with PCP. I guess I was still pretty out of it high after I ate that gingerbread house. I hope you're not bummed out.
Peace. Late! - Zig Zag


BEVIS said...

Dear Steve, Sorry to hear that you didn't appreciate us all screwing you in the ass while you were unconscious. If it helps, we all used a condom. True, it was just the one, but we alternated it. Dave wore it first, then I turned it inside out and put in on. Then Marco turned it inside-out again and used it. All eight of us followed that procedure, so you can relax. Nice tight ass, by the way. At least at first.

BEVIS said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BEVIS said...

Dear Big Mick, Sorry we stripped you naked and tied you up and wrapped you in cling wrap and wrote "Pigs Suck" on your back and covered you in honey and coated you in semen and marijuana and left you on the front step of the police station. Can I borrow your lawn mower?

BEVIS said...

Dear Sandra, Congratulations on being so popular on the Internet! The footage we took of you and your husband's sister has been downloaded from over 18,000 in five hours!

BEVIS said...

Dear Kranki, Sorry I got stoned and started writing all manner of crap on your blog site. BEVIS.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady in front of me on the elevator,

Thank you for wearing that skirt. Sure, you weighed about 15-20 pounds more than you should, and yes your parents were cruel to deny you braces as a child, which is kind of a moot point since I am not really into Latinas anyway, but when you entered the crowded elevator in my building and decided to stand in front of me instead of that D&D geek with the faint smell of the ham and cheese bagel he woofed down this morning in front of the computer as he surfed for cheats to the latest version of the Sims, I felt a warming feeling as I stared at your ass so obviously crammed into that skirt your abuelita who really does think you are a 4 bought you for your last birthday. MMM--- asssssss!