Monday, September 20, 2004

Everyone Gets Six Bullets

Here's my plan. It's a little radical, but it solves a lot of problems. Everyone gets a revolver loaded with six registered personal bullets. These bullets are marked, hologrammed, whatever it takes to identify them with the owner.

I think that we should legally be allowed to shoot six people without any criminal repercussions whatsoever. No more than six. That's reasonable. I figure that there are two people I'd like to kill so I'll probably acquire four more people to hate over my lifetime. First and foremost people would be a hell of a lot nicer knowing that anybody could blow them away and not be criminally penalized in any way. The population would thin out nicely and only people who pissed others off would get shot. You're worried that some asshole is going to shoot somebody for no reason. No way. Why waste a bullet on somebody you only sort of want dead when you might need to save them. I know there are people out there who are making my life miserable who do not have anybody who would care enough to shoot me back. I know I'd certainly make damn sure that somebody was worth shooting before I pumped a 700 mile per hour projectile into them. The real assholes would have so many enemies gunning for them that their contribution to the gene pool would be eliminated or they'd have to change the way they did business and adjust their attitude. Let's face it people, life is cheap, so let's at least make the bullets really valuable. You turn 21 and you get your gun. People are already killing people indiscriminately all over the world, so why not give everyone the ability to reap vengeance and be much more selective when they deal out death. Save it for when someone has truly wronged you. You root for the bad dude to get his in the movies all the time, you know you do. We want the bad guys to get what's coming to them. The entire plan would need to be worked out a bit, but I know I'd sleep better knowing I had the power to serve up a dirt nap to those who prove themselves bullet-worthy. I bet if we all had six get out of jail free cards we'd all have a really cool boss.

17 comments:

Miss Know It All said...

Not to put a kink in your plan or anything, and not to insinuate that you're a bad person, but what if someone wanted to use their bullet on you? Is the mastermind behind the plan immune?

kranki said...

Good questions? I would institute the plan when I was a tad older, so that most of my fun and enjoyment would be done anyway. I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm gonna be the old dude who eats his grape nuts and goes jogging for five miles every morning. So yes, the plan maker could be a target for people who didn't like the Six Bullets Law. But I would hope that they'd blame whatever congressman proposed the law and blow them away instead. Other than that, I would be fine because I don't think I do anything so abrasive as to make myself bullet-worthy. So, I think humanity will make great strides towards a more selfless model if only folks had a set number of asses they were allowed to bust a cap into. There. The plan is indeed flawless. Bullet control, baby.

Miss Anthrope said...

Can I have 8 bullets? I really need them. Seriously.

kranki said...

Eight bullets. Man. You'll just have to have somebody willing to kill the other two for you. I'd love to make an exception for you, but then it wouldn't be fair to the others. You'll just have to prioritize your deadly desires.

la nadine said...

must one justify their choice to the masses following a slaying? i fear "that bitch called me fat" may not seem a good enough reason.

kranki said...

Under the Six Bullets Law you can gun down anybody you want so long as you use one of your six bullets. You could call a press conference if you wanted to explain your killing but "bitch called me fat" or "you ate all my Haagen Das!" are totally valid. I think it would be a waste since there are so many other potential dead folks out there, but they're your bullets. Carpe Diem, baby.

Miss Anthrope said...

maybe you wouldn't believe it, but 8 is a conservative number, letting a few people slide and whatnot. i have a lot of enemies, whether they know it or not. (all the better if they don't. surprise attacks rock)

Miss Anthrope said...

And what of the black market on selling/buying bullets? How would that be handled under the Six Bullets Law? Not that I'd be into that or anything...

kathrynoh said...

That is the most brilliant idea I've ever heard. Except you wouldn't want to have access to your bullets when you're drunk.

Anonymous said...

If the bullets are linked up to your personal DNA, then it would be difficult to counterfit the bullets. This is the best thing I've heard about since the idea of making drugs legal to adults. And I agree with the other comment. Drinking and firearms are not a wonderful combo, like, chocolate and peanut butter, or Burt and Ernie.

Miss Know It All said...

Okay, seriously, when do we get our bullets?

kranki said...

Miss Know It All: I want you to feel better before you get your bullets. You could miss one of your targets in your ill state. I really do hope that you are feeling better very soon. Sorry I didn't get to meetcha at Sea. I wanted to visit you and bring you some thai soup and a cold cloth for your head but the other misses didn't respond to that idea. Twaz fun. They're awesome. J & M I quite liked too, but M seemed like he was exhausted.

Lil' Joe said...

Krankiboy my new friend, that is easily the best plan I have seen today. If you are interested in Beta-testing, you know how to reach me.

Anonymous said...

A major problem with this plan is that the meanies of the world, realizing that some one else is going to nail them as soon as they find them, know that they'll need to use their six shots pretty quickly. Same with the paranoid. The situation will very quickly escalate out of control onto a massive fire fight.

Miss Anthrope said...

I don't think it would escalate into a out-of-control firefight. As much ire as I have, I would rather use my bullets to off my enemies than to off my predators. Those I can hide from. Or outwit.

kranki said...

Clarify

When you say "The situation will very quickly escalate out of control into a massive fire fight."

Do you mean that in a bad way or a good way?

BEVIS said...

Old post and everything, I know, but if you kill someone who still has some of their six bullets left over, what happens to the bullets?

'Cos if the shooter is able to add them to their own collection as a 'bounty' of sorts, all hell would break loose. Everyone who had any bullets left over would be a sitting duck.

But either way, someone who has already run out of bullets but is desperate to kill again (one of your victim's widows is hunting you down, for instance) will want to swipe the spare bullets for themselves anyway, so they can kill you.

Are you saying that the bullets would be specially designed not to work if someone else tried to use them? The technology could be created for the guns to jam when the DNA didn't match, I'm sure.

It's the only way to prevent someone killing you to get their hands on your unused bullets, and then using those to settle their other disputes. (And then claiming that you shot the other guy before the lying culprit then shot you; that kind of thing.)

So you can see there's still a few kinks that need working out. Just like with my lovelife.

(Haha.)