At least one of these is a picture of me wearing no clothes

Well, it's nice to know that my impending nudity can elicit a response. The telegram from Sherriff was very demanding. Some of the positions and props he requested were just ludicrous. Here are the naked images that my publisher approved for posting.

The one of me at age 3 splashing about in the kiddie pool with my krankiwang showing didn't make the cut. I'm saving it for the cover of my autobiography.* I wonder if they can prosecute somebody on kiddie porn charges if the pictures are of the person being charged. Hmm... I should probably go to sleep now if those are the types of thoughts that are going to pop into my head.

*Tentatively titled "One day you'll be big and everybody will want to play with you"

Crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children

Crayons and Other Things in My Pants that Could Choke Small Children

You're all winners in my book... erm... blog. Everybody gets a picture of me where I am wearing no clothes. I'll just post the naughty morsel for all of mankind (the six people who read this blog) to enjoy. Feel free to doctor it up and photo shop it to make me look hotter.

Forgive me Father Blogger it has been nearly 3 weeks since my last confession. In that time I have been down in the sinful bowels known as Los Angeles getting my affairs in order. I had a very lucrative garage sale. I didn't use the Krankiboy name because then the yard sale would have drawn the usual hordes and shameless throngs of paparazzi. That's no way to earn an honest buck. I unloaded a pile of odds and ends that you'd think nobody would ever want to buy. All I'm left with are a few crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children. A plastic lizard, a Polichicks pin, some Canadian coins, a penguin eraser and a shiny blue rock that has somehow gained some kind of sentimental value. Being a severe pack rat I find yard sales to be wonderful things but I'm not always able to part with the crap that I collect. Thank god there are people willing to buy half-full bottles of perfume, Post It notes, old screwdrivers and ugly tin boxes with teddy bears on them. That and some decent items made me exactly 1,181 dollars. I think I could probably be a professional yard salesman at this point. Perhaps I'll write a How-To book on the subject. I just need a clever and catchy title.

Here are a few of the yard sale highlights.

1) The old woman who was utterly disgusted with me when I told her that I'd like two dollars for the Barneys cashmere sweater. Clearly she liked it but my egregious pricing prompted her to toss the item to the ground and storm off.

2) The guy who found flaws in everything I had for sale as a means to get me to sell it for far less.

Annoying Mustache Guy: "This dresser has some scratches on it here."
Me: "Yes, that's why it's only 20 dollars and being sold at a yard sale."
Annoying Mustache Guy: But... 20 dollars is too much. I give you three."

He did that for about an hour before he finally realized I had him outnumbered in the brain cell department.

3) The white-haired old coin collector who felt comfortable enough with me to describe his sexual fantasy with his favorite Sizzler waitress. "Lemme tell you, I've been trying to get under that apron and into her pants for three years now. I can just imagine what it would be like to just get all up into her hot wet crotch and press myself in there with my balls all the way up against her sweet thing."

I can't find the words to properly describe the little hip wiggle dance he did while he "shared" with me.

The yard sale proved to be a rich and rewarding experience on many levels. I found a bunch more stuff in the garage a few days later and will probably have a Sidewalk sale with the stuff I haul back to San Francisco.

I'll post the picture of me wearing no clothes when I get back to my new hometown of San Francisco.

NAME THAT BLOG - Win a Prize!

Okay, the Khronicles staff, and our interns have been working overtime and burning the candle at both ends. As the Editor of the Khronicles I get tired out after a day of pouring over reader feedback and reading all the comments I get here. Last week there were 3 on the same post.

This week I am going to let YOU, name my blog post. Just give me some titles to choose from and I will write a blog that fits your title.


If you title is chosen you will be emailed a photo of me in which I am wearing absolutely no clothes.

Is the Internet God?

Sherriff said...

Okay, but ten years ago someone might have described this internerd business thusly: There's this thing that goes all around the world see, but it doesn't exist see, but it's everywhere but nowhere, and you can ask it anything, and it knows everything, and it's not God, and you use your fingers to talk to it. And it has naked ladies. That's sort of futuristic innit? Sheee-it.

okay, i want the orgasm pill too.

NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD.

Maybe we're all religious and worshipping the Internet. I never considered myself to be religious but the Internet is truly an awesome god to whom I pay homage. I have to digest that concept of the Internet as God. If anybody tampered with it I'd be personally hurt. However unlike an actual God ours is serviced by IT people. Although I guess God could have IT people service him if he wanted. I'm genuinely taken aback. Sheriff has shown me the light. I've had a semiepiphany... *ponders*

*returns* NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD. It is something that I rely on, something that creates a community. Everybody is striving for a faster connection so that they can be closer to God.
It falls into the Shinto belief that God is alive inside all of us (who have computers). I sure as hell pay homage to it and revere it. I face my computer more times a day than any hard core Islamic faces Mecca.

It gives me a whole fucking mess of messages. It's all knowing. I should simply work backwards and start with deductive reasoning.

Why is the Internet not God? I can't think of anything about the Internet that is ungodly. Can any other worshippers out there who get this holy message think of a way in which the Internet is not God?

Kneel down before me for I am all knowing, and I offer porn.

Bye Bye Armageddon Pie

Well, it's been great knowing all of you. Well most of you. Most of you who have been nominally friendly to me. It seems that our time here on earth may be drawing to a close thanks to some stellar international politics by the Bush Administration. towards a stubborn and irate country whose people are inherently confident that the next life is going to be far better than this one.









I just wanted to wish you all the best if you are lucky enough to survive by living under the sewers, subterranean caves or in a bomb shelter and avoid the nuclear fall-out. Don't forget to bring lots of water. Remember if you're in a pinch you can always drink your own urine. It's been a grand time, folks. Go out and have as much mindless sex as possible, take all those drugs you were afraid to take before and hope for the best. Pretty much a standard Saturday night for many of my readers. It could be weeks, months or even years before the political shit pile tumbles down on us, but there is nothing wrong with giving your arse a preemptive good-bye kiss.

Fanmail Friday

Just like Oprah, Jon Stewart and Ms. Fits I too get my share of fan mail.

Let's take a peek and see which email I pluck from the bunch today.

Ennie, meany, miney, moe... catch a redneck by the toe, feed him bleach and let him go.

Got one.

Cory Soldwisch wrote:
Do not attempt to have a battle of wits with Neal Boortz if you're unarmed.
I pray that the children you teach recognize what an incompetent you are and place your opinions down there with the excrement they wipe from their shoes. Hide your face in shame you fool! Long live Neal Boortz!

Well, that one was not as positive as they normally are. I'll get another.

peter weiss wrote:
my, my! If you are an educator then where is your open mind? It seem that you were just spewing political vitriolic diatribe to hear yourself speak. There was no dialogue nor was there a valid point in your e-mail. You showed how myopic you are. One then can assume why you are a teacher. You cannot do much else. It is not difficult to explain a lesson plan that the administration tells to.
By the bye, all one had to do was graduate high school to become a teacher 100 years ago. This was when we had our Edisons and Freuds and Einsteins. How many kids do you "teach" can make change working as a cashier without using a calculator or having the register perform this task for them? Not many, I see this every day. So much for our education system.

You know what... I don't think this Friday Fanmail thing is working out that well.

But because these gents got their email posted they automatically win a year supply of Email SPAM!

Please help me out and sign mahatma30029@yahoo.com & csoldwisch@gmail.com up for some porn sights so they can do something to releive their tension. I'm thinking they would like some Asian Anal Action.

Fun with FOX NEWS

It seems I have gained the attention of some of the conservatives at FOX NEWS. I've been published on a right wing website.

Let us all join hands and dance!

Here is what the Neal Boortz site said about me. I'd never heard of the man before yesterday.


"LOVE THOSE TV APPEARANCES
Now here's an email from Matt. Matt must have seen me on TV during the last few days. [video of Neal on Hannity & Colmes] I want you to notice what an incredible job Matt does of refuting the positions I put forth. Matt was probably captain of his debate team. Matt probably thinks that debate is the stuff you put on de hook. Wait! Matt's a teacher! Well that explains a lot! Why he can't spell my name correctly, for instance."

Subject: Neil's Wisdom

Name: Matt
Email: krankiboy@yahoo.com

Message:

Neil: From your perspective I can certainly see how educated children would be detrimental to your way of life. Who will be there to watch your shows? You remind me of an ant trying to push a giant piece of crap (your thoughts) uphill. The difference is that your excrement is smeared all over my TV set.
No offense to ants for the comparison to the lower life form.

If we teachers should decide to make a nuclear weapon we'll send it your way so you can give us your opinion on it.
________________________________________

I got some friendly emails from his fans. Two of the 178 emails I received were well thought out and grammatically correct.

I sent this reply to all 178 (and counting) people who were kind enough to email me their best wishes.
I agree that the Teachers Unions have problems. It was the absurd and uncalled for comparison that Boortz made between teachers and terrorists that prompted me to make my own highly juvenile, inane, and intentionally offensive comparison.

I don't think Boortz is anti-education, but Fox News and Boortz and Hannity in particular have such little regard for facts or anything constructive that I'm just at a loss to try to reason logically with much of what they have to say.

Dear You,

I like to try and see all sides of an issue which is the only reason I will tune in to Fox News. I'm disappointed in the move from news as a whole moving from information to infotainment for the sake of ratings. It really isn't even news. It's degenerated to a who can yell their opinion most often and loudest contest. It should have a title other than "news" because it's mislabeled. It could be Political and Current Events commentary.

Programs such as Left, Right, and Center at least have an element of restraint. The hosts and guests normally make a concerted effort to be rational and cordial. I think that I most object to the manner in which Fox News delivers their opinions as if they are facts. Those people that use it as a primary source of news become polarized against the other side of the political spectrum. The swarm of uninformed liberal idiots who just watch the Daily Show for their main source of news. The end result is a polarization of thought which, in my opinion, has been detrimental to the country and exploited successfully by the Bush Administration to gain the Oval Office.

Edward R. Murrow would have an aneurysm if he were here to see where news has gone. The end result seems to be a dissolution of any sense of unity and common interests among Americans. The importance of responsibility and credibility in the news has been replaced with ratings and rantings. That's just my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Krankiboy

Even Odds on Oblivion

Today, as I read the news, I wonder if mankind is going to be killed off by over consumption (ourselves) or nuclear war (ourselves) If I were a betting man I'd still be hard pressed to choose. Sadly even if I did know the answer I couldn't profit from winning that bet.

Maybe if we're lucky the hormones they put in chickens will create a strain of super killer poultry that will peck us off the face of the Earth. At least that way we'll die with dignity.

The Colonel's Secret Recipe has doomed us all!

Hissy Fit

GOD DAMN!

I was out in the back of my house with Ass Breath and Freckle Dick enjoying a beautiful warm California morning when I noticed a very large black cat walking towards me. The dogs came around the corner from some sniffing and froze in the presence of this big thing. He was probably about 17 lbs and kept walking towards the dogs and gave a friendly meow. Then he craned his neck up and opened his mouth with a hiss. It was like something I've seen King Cobras do on the nature shows. As soon as I saw it rear it's teeth I tried to get the dogs away but the cat pounced at them. I grabbed the thing as the dogs were scared and frozen just staring at this thing. It was calm in my hands for a minute and then it went completely berserk. Let me repeat that. Completely berserk and drooling with blood lust. It slashed my lip open down to my gums and proceeded to shred my forearms with deep bloody scratches from all four of its claws. The new neighbor who owned the cat came rushing over after hearing the noise. I tried to hold the cat away from my face and it bit down on my finger like a lion on fresh meat. The owner reached for it and I handed it to her. The cat clamped its teeth down on her palm and the owner recoiled in pain so I held onto the cat since the dogs were staying right next to be just bewildered by what was happening. I had a lip gash that was tripping out onto my shirt and I wasn't sure if my lip was half off because of all the blood drizzling out. The owner looked at me like I had my face off. I managed to hold onto the cat, lift it up and toss it back into it's house and shut the door. I don't think I have any permanent damage but I've got some nice juicy slices taken out of both arms and some deeper gouges. The bite puncture hurts like a mother fucker. I feel fortunate that the Cat didn't get it's paws or jaws onto my dogs because they're small and Freckle Dick has only a few baby teeth left. I think if I hadn't been there she would have clamped down and torn out an eye at the very least. I feel like the Secret Service man who jumps in to take a bullet for a beloved President. It cancelled my travel plans but I'm relieved that it didn't get more of my face than my lip and chin. The lip is still attached and might not need stitches if it heals correctly. I guess I'll be using a straw for my food for a few days. The cat is up to date on it's shots. I realize after the incident that the thing was laying in wait like a lurking predator. What the hell kind of cat actively hunts dogs? Next time I'm taking my stun gun with me.

Where the hell is the future?

Ever since I was a little kid with a bowl hair cut and gel sandals people have been raving about the future. It was supposed to be so great. In the future we'll have flying cars... In the future we'll have robots do all our work for us... In the future we'll be able to hunt humans for sport... all the same stuff you've heard. Where are these things? It's been a long wait. So far the only innovations that have improved my life I can count on one hand and thank god it's not my hand because two of the fingers are missing. Three things have made my life better. DVDs, Email, and Microwave Popcorn. Actually, now that I am considering it I think you can actually go ahead and cut two more fingers off the hand. DVDs suck because they keep you inside when you could be getting fresh air or exercise or sunshine or actually actively doing something. Email is just a lazy person's version of classic letter writing. Traditional letter writing was once commonplace. Now you'd wet your pants with spastic joy if somebody actually took the time to hand write a thoughtful multi-page letter. That's a practice that requires you to think about what you are going to bestow upon the page in actual ink. May those of you who still practice the ancient craft have fortune bless you with pleasant, localized tingling of the extremities and obedient pixie slaves to serve your every need. Except for spell checking. You still need to do that yourself or you'll get lazy and go back to slacking. Okay so that just leaves microwave popcorn. There is nothing bad about microwave popcorn. It's fast and it's delicious and as long as you don't stand with your face pressed to the microwave you won't get eyebrow cancer. As for those of you who still leave it in too long and burn it all I can say is I hate you. You just wasted my entire future. That horrible smell that lasts for days is your fault. There is a scientific reason it smells that bad and for so long. It's because that's the smell of shame. If you caused it you're a dufus who has squandered a rich gift. I don't think you should even get a second chance to ever pop another bag. We don't give laser guns to drunken baby monkeys. Do we? Not that I've noticed. Microwave popcorn is great and all but come on, Future... that's it? One thing? I can count one thing on my dick. Here, watch... One. The Future has played a cruel joke on us all. I want what was promised and I want it now. I want all the things I dreamed of as a kid or there are going to be some vague but serious threats made by me. That, my friends, you can count on. I don't want some shit bucket arse recycled new version of Windows or gummy vitamins. Fuck you Flintstones. I want some of the good stuff. I'm just asking for what TV and the movies and the Future promised me because now I'm grown up* and it's time to deliver.

I want my car to fold up into a small suitcase. I want little pellets that taste like a gourmet, five-course meal. I want my teleportation device for days I don't feel like carrying my bulky suitcase car around. I want my robot butler. I want an little alien pal who follows me around and has cool powers-- I don't even care what the powers are. I want the watch that stops time. I want to be able to go into my dreams and play it like a video game. I want my telekinetic powers like Scott Baio had in Zapped. Plus I want the gum that gives you a mind bending orgasm when you chew it. Okay I made up and added the last one, but still. Just give me something to go with my microwave popcorn. Don't try and say that the Rubik's Cube counted because that was just frustrating. It took me weeks to realize you had to soak the thing in warm water and then re glue on the colored stickers to win. What a ripoff! Look, I'm going be patient and give you a bit more time, Future, but please hurry up. I'll give you 6 - 8 weeks but by then if I'm not riding my robot-ninja-eagle-hot tub-cookie and laser jousting against beautiful naked lady pirate dinosaurs on top of a wild cherry-flavored, sex volcano I am going to be so incredibly... Yeah. Just make it happen. You better. I'm counting.

* Shut up. I am so growed up. Well, you smell like a jerk.

I'm a Google Blogger

Google Blogger. That sounds like a character from a Dr. Seuss book. It think it's in the same book as the Starbelly Sneeches. Ah yes here it is... "Well, snozberries are the most favorite snack for the Google Blogger crew! If winter lasted all year long what would a Google Blogger chew?"

I thought Blog was a bad name but Goog might actually be worse. I still like the idea of calling it a Fuck instead of a blog. Yeah, now that dude is bloody brilliant. I wonder where all his old fuck friends went? Those fuckers.

spare change

I was walking my dogs past a 40 year-old, black,homeless woman who was asking for change. I wasn't planning on giving her any until she said "Have a Happy Valentines Day." There was something really sad in the way she said it. It struck me as such a strange thing for her to say to me that I stopped and put a quarter in her cup. It didn't even make any sense for her to say that to me with the pseudo-holiday still a week and a half away. I suppose I just realized that she was willing to say whatever it would take to get some change in her cup. It's the first time I've given anything to a pan handler in a long time. I remember being in high school on the subway and a woman very convincingly told me that she needed truly 79 cents more to buy a token so she could get on the train. I stopped and gave her all my change. I was about to gesture to the token both so she could go ahead of me in line, but by then she had already turned back around and repeated her plea for 79 cents to the next person that came along. I remember feeling incredibly stupid and used and angry in that moment. To this day I wish I had asked her for my money back.

World Don't Need No Education...

World falling behind on 2015 education goal

By David Alexander
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Access to education increased dramatically over the past century but 323 million children worldwide are still not in school and efforts to achieve universal primary education by 2015 are likely to fail, a new study said on Wednesday.

I grabbed this one before The Onion could get hold of it.

Let's look at what effect the world falling behind in education might have.

1) The World is called into the Universe's office for a stern talking to.

2) The World's grandmother will only give it a 5 trillion-dollar bill instead of a 10 trillion-dollar bill on it's birthday.

3) Unrealistic goal set by humans is not met by humans. Idea to end world hunger by turning the oceans into Jello is reconsidered.

4) When you travel you will continue to meet stupid people wherever you go.

5) Lottery ticket sales will continue to stay strong.

6) Monkeys still have an outside shot at reclaiming control of the earth.

7) The Holy father takes away the World's X-Box privileges exclaiming, "Get your axis on straight and priorities in order you little slacker planet. My galaxy, my rules."

8) All the good jobs will go to the better educated kids from Venus and Mercury.

So, what is the real danger here? I understand that the goal is to have education available as a human right to all children but when you have a dozen wars raging at any given time on this greasy, blue-green ball of wax how can you expect that to happen? Why is it in our interests to educate other countries so that they can take even more of our jobs? Would it cost much for the wealthier countries to provide this opportunity? No. It would just be a tiny fraction of their economy. Wouldn't clean drinking water for all be more of a priority? Even if many of these poor countries did receive the funds to educate all their citizens they wouldn't spend the money on education. Even I would rather have a brand new AK-47 assault rifle than a stack of text books*. You can't make people share your goals and priorities. It's an absurd notion. If I put a stack of bricks in my yard I wouldn't be surprised if I came out the next day and the ants hadn't built them into a small pyramid.

* Although it would be fun to have both so you could shoot the textbooks.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070117/wl_nm/education_world_dc_1

FLUFFY BIRTHDAY!

Hello?




Hey Fluffy, it's me Kranki. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday



That's so sweet of you to call. Thank you. How are you, love?




I'm doing well luscious lady. What's going down, down under?



I'm just endulging myself with a lazy day. All I did today after I got home from a double shift was repaint the kitchen, clean the house and rebuilt my laptop. Oh then one of the cats was feeling ill so transplanted a kidney from one to the other while teaching little Z-man conversational Spanish. Now I'm relaxing in the spa. I really should get someting accomplished today but it's my birtday, right?



Absolutely, you deserve it. Give little Z-man a hug from me and know that I'm thinking about you my sudsy friend.


Hey, my blogger suddenly won't post anymore pictures so I can't end this with the joke I wanted to. Well, it was me putting Z-man from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls on to talk to Fluffy. He'd say,"Fluffy, you're birthday is happening and it freaks me out!" Then there was a picture of Fluffy flashing her boobs and saying something funny. Sigh... blogger tech problems.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLUFF!

xoxoxo Kranki

Verifiy This!

I'm sick of this word verification thing. I have to verify some word like RETGRU. It's not word verification it's random letter verification. I even have to do it just to make a comment on my own blog. What gives? Yes, I like the fact that I don't get inundated with advertising disguised as comments such as...

sink sink socks said...
The second busty nutten one has the advantage that itsproducts find an open path to consciousness, whilst the activity of thefirst procedure is unknown to itself, and can only arrive atconsciousness through the second one.I looked closelyat her, and I saw that although all the world had exclaimed at herindifference to such homage, and had declared it was astonishing sheshould lose so fine a match, she would only say simply and quietly--'If Shakespeare loved me and I did not love him, how could I marryhim?'Could I be misanthropical when I saw such fidelity, and dignity, andsimplicity?You girls privat may believe that I was especially curious to look at that oldlover of hers, through my glasses.But I bilder deutscher pornostars done that out o' my respectsof you an' Missis Fluker, an' your keepin' of a fa'r--I'll say, asI've said freckwent, a very fa'r house.I betook myself again to mynap, and at lesben chat length a second time awoke, when, to my utter amazement,it still wanted twenty-seven minutes of six.

So while it's great to get that kind of comment and the many that offer to make my penis longer. Notice they never say make your penis girthier just longer. But I digress. Basically I think they should let you have the option to allow certain people to post comments if they are on your approved list. Once they are on your approved comment lis they don't have to word verify again. Well, I have go and explore the world of bilder deutscher pornostars.
Tot ziens mon ami!

Loudspeak

The Origin of Loudspeak

A few years ago my friend Lars and I were in Starbucks. Yes, that Starbucks, the one on the corner near the bank. We were a bit bored so I began "loud talking" to amuse myself. It wasn't incredibly loud that it would be obvious or obnoxious but it was louder than normal and very clearly articulated so that anybody standing nearby was able to hear. We chickened out pretty quickly but over the years we have gotten bolder and better.

A fun way to kill a half hour doing this is to go into any public building with an elevator. It works best if you are very well dressed. The key is success is to be fearless, casual and good at improvising. When a few people get on and doors close you wait a moment for the standard elevator silence and then you begin your conversation. You take turns asking questions and the first person to start laughing is the loser. It's harder than it sounds.

Your friend: "So what did your lawyer say?"

You: "He's saying that if we can prove that the blood they found under my fingernails isn't hers he might be able to have the charges reduced to manslaughter... Oh hey, did you still need me to drive you to the doctor tomorrow?"

Your Friend: "No, it was bothering me too much. I had to leave work and go this morning."

You: "What did he say was causing the pain?"

Your Friend: "It was totally minor, I had a really small tear on my anal cavity. That's what was causing all the irritation. He gave me some cream and said to go easy on the toys."

You: "Karen isn't going to like the sound of that."

Your Friend: "Neither is your wife. Is she still coming to the party?"

You: "Totally, she's been talking about it all week. She even bought some new lingerie."

Your Friend: "Awesome. That'll be off in five minutes. Oh, almost forgot. Can you bring that extra mattress and your blue futon? I cleared out the den so we'd have more bed space."

You: "Sure. Did you invite that cute blonde from the mail room? The big blue eyes, the pouty lips..."

Your Friend: "Good news for you. I got the RSVP this morning, so Carl will definitely be there."

You: "Sweet."

Good luck. I strongly recommend having a few drinks if you are a novice at Loudspeak.

The Flag in My Heart

Like nearly all Americans I am just now recovering from grieving the loss of beloved President Gerald Ford. For me the news had a doubly harsh sting. First came the shock of discovering that Ford hadn't already been dead for years, and then came the shock that Gerald Ford was no longer with us. It was like riding a cruel and rickety roller coaster. A roller coaster that left me feeling emotionally whiplashed by grief. My next thought was for the nation. Could the United States survive the loss of former President Gerald Ford or would the void be too much to bear for our divided and struggling democracy? Time will tell if we can ever fully recover with such a vast void in our core.
The loss is stunning because he was taken from us while still in the prime of his late golden years. He was only 93 years-old when he was taken from us and probably just hitting his political stride. Maybe God simply needed the man's guidance more than we mortals. After all, this man was the only unelected President we have ever had. He was a man credited with having wisdom beyond his generation. Aside from being most famous for accidentally falling down stairs on television and in public on a few occasions he is also remembered for granting a Presidential pardon for Richard Nixon's blatant criminal involvement in the Watergate scandal. Here was a man with the foresight and courage to let his buddy who got him the Vice President gig get off the hook for extreme criminal misconduct and blatantly obstructing justice. How could the nation have ever healed if Nixon had received proper punishment for violating the office of the President?
Now while it is true that I was just a baby when Ford was President and he had no impact on my life in any meaningful way, I still deeply wish that I had been old enough to vote back then so that I too could been there to play my part and have the chance to not vote him into The Oval Office.

I think closing the Post Office and letting all government employees have another day off after the day they got hung over for New Years is a noble and well deserved honor for a man of Ford stature. Today, under the heavy burden of sorrow, the flag in my heart was hanging at half-mast.

Khronicles Unexclusive: 16% of Stupid People Are Also Dumb

Gently Breaking News

In a new USA TODAY/Gallup poll published on Monday a record high 62 percent said the war in Iraq was not "worth it," and a record low 16 percent said the United States was winning, USA Today said.

Wow! I think I actually heard the sound of scraping as they hit the bottom of the intelligence barrel. So 16 % of those surveyed said we were winning the war. This must be the same 16% that can't read, don't own televisions or radios and sleep amidst their own feces. This 16 percent may not be aware that the first Gulf war with Iraq is over. Or perhaps they are still confident that our boys will pull out a decisive victory in Vietnam. But then again how smart can I be considering I read USA Today. I like the pretty color pictures. I hope they can create scratch and sniff news so that we no longer have to do all that hard reading of the words in the sentences. You'd simply scratch the picture of the news item and you could just smell the world events.

Pictured above are Floyd, Boyd and Lloyd outside Liquor Barn in Cowtippinton, Alabama.

The trio expressed their minority view that "The US of Fuck-a-duckin' A is totally whooping the turbans off them there ass-breath, camel-jockey turd lickers." "Terrorize this!" added Lloyd.

President Bush has commissioned the triumvirate to conduct and lead a second Iraqi Study Group. According to President Bush he is looking for "Sumthin with a fresh perspectivity that doesn't have so many fancy ideas." As he boarded Air Force One Bush added "We're doing, like, a war here folks, I don't have time to be reading big long-wordy reports. I got alotta presidentin' to do."

Happy Birthday Jesus

Shhhsssh the little dude is sleeping. Sweet him, he's got a huge little noggin'. I'd better get him the adult size ear muffs.

She what he's doing there in the picture? That's exactly how I intend to spend my Christmas day. Then when I wake up, instead of turning water into wine I'll be turning wine into urine, eating lots of chocolate and watching the entire Season 2 of The Office. It's my own lil Christmas miracle.

This year the only gifts I bought were for my dogs and my mom. I think I did a better job wrapping the present for the dogs but I'm sure mom will still enjoy the liver-flavor jerky.

Enjoy your gifts or stocking full of coal or whatever you can find. I recommend that you find a human who will let you touch their soft parts. Bust out some of the good hooch and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I pray none of you see any creepy Sith lords in your dreams.


Honestly, this dude is a scary-looking mother fucker. He's like a hung over Uncle Fester. I've heard of having bags under your eyes but his are so deep and dark that a large family of bats could live in there. He reminds me of the villains from Scooby Doo. "Like, zoiks Scoob, I think the Vatican is haunted!"
"Rut roh! Run Raggy, run!"

Friendship or Fetish?

It might have been one of those "You-had-to-be-there" nights but fortunately for me I was there.

I just got home from dinner with one of the dearest friends I've got on this doomed little planet of ours. It was a huge and much needed stress breaker to be my complete, uncensored, stupid self with a friend. It's freeing to behave in an utterly, politically incorrect way and feel unjudged. I forgot how rejuvenating it is to spend time with somebody who always has your back through thick and thin and always finds a way to make you laugh.

He was a bit sleep deprived and was especially loopy-goofy-punchy, which made for a memorable dinner. He even agreed to write a song for me entitled "Me Rawk You Long Time." We spent a few minutes looking at the menu and giggling like idiots over how the menu items at the tai restaurant also sounded like kinky sex acts. Our favorite by a mile had to be the "Beef Waterfall."

Him: "Son, if you're ever in the big city and a man comes up to you and offers you a Beef Waterfall... I want you to run..."

Me: "Run to the nearest moving bus and leap in front of it. Because if that man can get to you that means he can get to me....

Him: "Once them gays get our DNA we're done for."

I'm not sure what the young waitress thought when she overheard that riff. I was laughing too much to even care.

It cheered me up greatly and also made me sad that my friend isn't going to be in the same town as me any longer. Here in L.A. you tend to take people for granted and it's easy to drift apart for large spans of time. It's a rare and wonderful thing to have somebody with whom you can just pick up with right where you left off. Or maybe I just have secret fetish for balding men with sideburns. Don't tell his wife.