Saturday, February 17, 2007

Hissy Fit

GOD DAMN!




I was out in the back of my house with Ass Breath and Freckle Dick enjoying a beautiful warm California morning when I noticed a very large black cat walking towards me. The dogs came around the corner from some sniffing and froze in the presence of this big thing. He was probably about 17 lbs and kept walking towards the dogs and gave a friendly meow. Then he craned his neck up and opened his mouth with a hiss. It was like something I've seen King Cobras do on the nature shows. As soon as I saw it rear it's teeth I tried to get the dogs away but the cat pounced at them. I grabbed the thing as the dogs were scared and frozen just staring at this thing. It was calm in my hands for a minute and then it went completely berserk. Let me repeat that. Completely berserk and drooling with blood lust. It slashed my lip open down to my gums and proceeded to shred my forearms with deep bloody scratches from all four of its claws. The new neighbor who owned the cat came rushing over after hearing the noise. I tried to hold the cat away from my face and it bit down on my finger like a lion on fresh meat. The owner reached for it and I handed it to her. The cat clamped its teeth down on her palm and the owner recoiled in pain so I held onto the cat since the dogs were staying right next to be just bewildered by what was happening. I had a lip gash that was tripping out onto my shirt and I wasn't sure if my lip was half off because of all the blood drizzling out. The owner looked at me like I had my face off. I managed to hold onto the cat, lift it up and toss it back into it's house and shut the door. I don't think I have any permanent damage but I've got some nice juicy slices taken out of both arms and some deeper gouges. The bite puncture hurts like a mother fucker. I feel fortunate that the Cat didn't get it's paws or jaws onto my dogs because they're small and Freckle Dick has only a few baby teeth left. I think if I hadn't been there she would have clamped down and torn out an eye at the very least. I feel like the Secret Service man who jumps in to take a bullet for a beloved President. It cancelled my travel plans but I'm relieved that it didn't get more of my face than my lip and chin. The lip is still attached and might not need stitches if it heals correctly. I guess I'll be using a straw for my food for a few days. The cat is up to date on it's shots. I realize after the incident that the thing was laying in wait like a lurking predator. What the hell kind of cat actively hunts dogs? Next time I'm taking my stun gun with me.

10 comments:

Cloudy said...

Damn, LA's a dangerous place. That sounds really bad. It was completely calm-seeming when you picked it up? Evil thing. I used to prefer cats to dogs but then I realised it was just because I was lazy: "What? You want to play with me? You need me to go with you when you go out? Jesus, I'm not your only friend am I?"

If anything similar happens and you really have to pick it up paralyse by lifting it by the scruff of the neck. I don't think it hurts them, it's just a hangover from when their mum's carried them around as kittens.

Yours in Hindsight,
Cloudy Cloud.

Enny said...

Oh my GAWD!

That's sounds very stressful.... pics?!

Chai said...

Ouchy. And those cat claws are septic too.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Cats are evil.

*shiver*

You've Got What I Need... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
obtuse-a said...

krazy kittie method acting Reanimator? everyone's an actor in L.A.!

it needs to go to yoga, have a couple of bongs and chill out.

may i recommend from experience padded paw-booties and maybe a straitjacket. i once lived with a cat who was chanelling Norman Bates. loaded cannons.

lucyrogue said...

OMG Krankiboy! All this time we were discussing wristwear on MySpaz and you were convalescing with serious cat-inflicted injuries. Now you really DO need wrist bands to cover up the scarring. Will get onto it pronto.

meva said...

I love kitties.

kranki said...

Thanks for the kind words kids.

Except for Meva. She's rooting for the enemy.

meva said...

Darn tootin' I'm rootin'.