Thursday, February 08, 2007

Where the hell is the future?

Ever since I was a little kid with a bowl hair cut and gel sandals people have been raving about the future. It was supposed to be so great. In the future we'll have flying cars... In the future we'll have robots do all our work for us... In the future we'll be able to hunt humans for sport... all the same stuff you've heard. Where are these things? It's been a long wait. So far the only innovations that have improved my life I can count on one hand and thank god it's not my hand because two of the fingers are missing. Three things have made my life better. DVDs, Email, and Microwave Popcorn. Actually, now that I am considering it I think you can actually go ahead and cut two more fingers off the hand. DVDs suck because they keep you inside when you could be getting fresh air or exercise or sunshine or actually actively doing something. Email is just a lazy person's version of classic letter writing. Traditional letter writing was once commonplace. Now you'd wet your pants with spastic joy if somebody actually took the time to hand write a thoughtful multi-page letter. That's a practice that requires you to think about what you are going to bestow upon the page in actual ink. May those of you who still practice the ancient craft have fortune bless you with pleasant, localized tingling of the extremities and obedient pixie slaves to serve your every need. Except for spell checking. You still need to do that yourself or you'll get lazy and go back to slacking. Okay so that just leaves microwave popcorn. There is nothing bad about microwave popcorn. It's fast and it's delicious and as long as you don't stand with your face pressed to the microwave you won't get eyebrow cancer. As for those of you who still leave it in too long and burn it all I can say is I hate you. You just wasted my entire future. That horrible smell that lasts for days is your fault. There is a scientific reason it smells that bad and for so long. It's because that's the smell of shame. If you caused it you're a dufus who has squandered a rich gift. I don't think you should even get a second chance to ever pop another bag. We don't give laser guns to drunken baby monkeys. Do we? Not that I've noticed. Microwave popcorn is great and all but come on, Future... that's it? One thing? I can count one thing on my dick. Here, watch... One. The Future has played a cruel joke on us all. I want what was promised and I want it now. I want all the things I dreamed of as a kid or there are going to be some vague but serious threats made by me. That, my friends, you can count on. I don't want some shit bucket arse recycled new version of Windows or gummy vitamins. Fuck you Flintstones. I want some of the good stuff. I'm just asking for what TV and the movies and the Future promised me because now I'm grown up* and it's time to deliver.

I want my car to fold up into a small suitcase. I want little pellets that taste like a gourmet, five-course meal. I want my teleportation device for days I don't feel like carrying my bulky suitcase car around. I want my robot butler. I want an little alien pal who follows me around and has cool powers-- I don't even care what the powers are. I want the watch that stops time. I want to be able to go into my dreams and play it like a video game. I want my telekinetic powers like Scott Baio had in Zapped. Plus I want the gum that gives you a mind bending orgasm when you chew it. Okay I made up and added the last one, but still. Just give me something to go with my microwave popcorn. Don't try and say that the Rubik's Cube counted because that was just frustrating. It took me weeks to realize you had to soak the thing in warm water and then re glue on the colored stickers to win. What a ripoff! Look, I'm going be patient and give you a bit more time, Future, but please hurry up. I'll give you 6 - 8 weeks but by then if I'm not riding my robot-ninja-eagle-hot tub-cookie and laser jousting against beautiful naked lady pirate dinosaurs on top of a wild cherry-flavored, sex volcano I am going to be so incredibly... Yeah. Just make it happen. You better. I'm counting.

* Shut up. I am so growed up. Well, you smell like a jerk.


fluffy said...


Chai said...

I know 9 year olds. I have a 9 y.o as a kid (well, 10 if you want to split hairs) and you sir, are no 9 y.o.

Sherriff said...

Okay, but ten years ago someone might have described this internerd business thusly:

There's this thing that goes all around the world see, but it doesn't exist see, but it's everywhere but nowhere, and you can ask it anything, and it knows everything, and it's not God, and you use your fingers to talk to it. And it has naked ladies.

That's sort of futuratistic innit?


okay, i want the orgasm pill too.

kranki said...

Maybe we're all religious and worshipping the internet. I never considered myself to be religious but the internet is truly an awesome god to whom I pay homage. I have to digest that concept of the internet as God. If anybody tampered with it I'd be personally hurt. However unlike an actual God ours is serviced by IT people. Although I guess God could have them service him if he wanted. I'm genuinely taken aback. Sheriff has shown me the light. I've had a semiepiphany... *ponders*