Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children

Crayons and Other Things in My Pants that Could Choke Small Children

You're all winners in my book... erm... blog. Everybody gets a picture of me where I am wearing no clothes. I'll just post the naughty morsel for all of mankind (the six people who read this blog) to enjoy. Feel free to doctor it up and photo shop it to make me look hotter.

Forgive me Father Blogger it has been nearly 3 weeks since my last confession. In that time I have been down in the sinful bowels known as Los Angeles getting my affairs in order. I had a very lucrative garage sale. I didn't use the Krankiboy name because then the yard sale would have drawn the usual hordes and shameless throngs of paparazzi. That's no way to earn an honest buck. I unloaded a pile of odds and ends that you'd think nobody would ever want to buy. All I'm left with are a few crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children. A plastic lizard, a Polichicks pin, some Canadian coins, a penguin eraser and a shiny blue rock that has somehow gained some kind of sentimental value. Being a severe pack rat I find yard sales to be wonderful things but I'm not always able to part with the crap that I collect. Thank god there are people willing to buy half-full bottles of perfume, Post It notes, old screwdrivers and ugly tin boxes with teddy bears on them. That and some decent items made me exactly 1,181 dollars. I think I could probably be a professional yard salesman at this point. Perhaps I'll write a How-To book on the subject. I just need a clever and catchy title.

Here are a few of the yard sale highlights.

1) The old woman who was utterly disgusted with me when I told her that I'd like two dollars for the Barneys cashmere sweater. Clearly she liked it but my egregious pricing prompted her to toss the item to the ground and storm off.

2) The guy who found flaws in everything I had for sale as a means to get me to sell it for far less.

Annoying Mustache Guy: "This dresser has some scratches on it here."
Me: "Yes, that's why it's only 20 dollars and being sold at a yard sale."
Annoying Mustache Guy: But... 20 dollars is too much. I give you three."

He did that for about an hour before he finally realized I had him outnumbered in the brain cell department.

3) The white-haired old coin collector who felt comfortable enough with me to describe his sexual fantasy with his favorite Sizzler waitress. "Lemme tell you, I've been trying to get under that apron and into her pants for three years now. I can just imagine what it would be like to just get all up into her hot wet crotch and press myself in there with my balls all the way up against her sweet thing."

I can't find the words to properly describe the little hip wiggle dance he did while he "shared" with me.

The yard sale proved to be a rich and rewarding experience on many levels. I found a bunch more stuff in the garage a few days later and will probably have a Sidewalk sale with the stuff I haul back to San Francisco.

I'll post the picture of me wearing no clothes when I get back to my new hometown of San Francisco.


Fluffy said...

Are you back in San Francisco yet?

Fluffy said...

How about now?

Fluffy said...

There yet?

Fluffy said...


Fluffy said...

Oops. I mean, how long till SF?


elaine said...

oh fluff-muppet!

hey kranki, are you there yet?

incidentally, polichicks merchandise is enjoying a surge of popularity engendered by its rarity. you should hang onto that pin, it will be woth something big someday.

MelbourneGirl said...

how did i know something exciting was going to happen here. soon.

that coin collector - what a guy.

Cloudy said...

What? You're moving to France? What?