Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Puppy's First Pub

Karen, Rod and I went out to a pub in Karen's home town of Marin. And yeah, we thought "why not, we'll bring her little 16 week-old puppy Boo along."

You may be wondering. Who's Karen? - Well, she and I met through our mutual dear friend, Jay. Picture your favorite gal friend who's so fucking cool and great to talk to and and brings the party flava everywhere she goes. Well, your friend is a homely shut-in compared to Karen.

Okay. Who's Rod? A lovable Aussie bloke who we met while paying a visit to the Raggioni family. Some of of Karen's old friends. We all hit it off and lured Rod out to go drinking with us. You see it turns out that this big Aussie Rugby player likes to drink. Shocking, aye? So that was our foursome. Me, Rod, Karen and lil' Boo.

Things worth mentioning:

1) Tony the pub's owner & bartender looked and sounded a lot like a chipper Geoffrey Rush, very exuberant.

2) Little Boo the Puppy yapped. Rod and I coughed in a sad attempt to try and cover up the pup's yelps.

3) Tony the Pub Owner found out that we'd brought a puppy into his bar without permission and as you might expect... he jovially introduced himself and gave us all a free round of drinks. Perhaps it helped that it was a British Pub and Boo is a King Charles Spaniel.

4) Puppy tinkled right on the door of the Mayflower and the bar manager happily cleaned it up. I'm serious.

5) Krankiboy and Rod order a few rounds of Boddingtons Ale. Yum.

6) Scrawny Krankiboy tries to keep up with Big Rod's drinking pace. Hmmm.

7) We videotape Boo, the puppy... Getting poured a shot at the bar and paying for it with a kiss. Tony is Broadway material. Boo, playing the piano doggystyle. And lastly Boo at the pool table sinking a very impressive shot in the side pocket. Puppy got mad skillz!

8) Hijinks! Rod helped Karen and I play a masterful phone prank on our friend Jay. Rod called Jay from my cell phone. Jay is having fun off in Arizona when he gets this call from some Australian guy who he's never met.

Rod: "Hello, who's this? Is this Jake?... Hey then, got a bit of a problem here. Oh, My name's Rod and I own a bar here in Marin County. M-kay there's this bloke and this lady and they've gone and got a bit juiced and now they're passed out at my bar? Yeah, I didn't know what to do with them I saw that your numba was in both of their cell phones. Oh, yeah and there's a little dog here too... but, the dog's not passed out, just the bloke and the lady. Can you, come by and pick 'em up?! They're super wrecked, mate. You're in Arizona! Jeez. Fuck-all. Yeah, I'd put em in a cab, but where do I send 'em? That's great that you'll pay for it, I'm sure he's a good bloke this shit-faced friend of yours, but mate... Where do I fucking send them? No, mate I don't know where they're staying. Look I gotta close up in a bit and they're really not looking so good... First the lady here passed out and then did the bloke. What's his name? Okay, well, what the hell do I do with them? Oh, krikey! It's fuck of a spectacle. The little dog just wizzed on your friend's back... Okay, I'll see if I can rouse him. Hey, fella, your friend's on the phone. You up? Wake it up there.
(I take the phone)
Me: (Slurry and confused sounding) Nnnmmm... naa... uuch... who's this for the phone?
Jay: It's Jay. Man, is that you?
Me: Um. It's.. I'm me. Jay... hey...
Jay: What the hell is going on? Are you okay? Wha--
Me: I'm sorry... Karen and I went... are at... a bar. We were doing like, shots of-- she she passed out.
Jay: (really worried) The bar guy said a girl passed out. Did Karen pass out?

Me: I fucking sorry, man. Then I threw...(garbled)
Jay: What? You threw what?
Me: Yeah, I feel so stupid.
Jay: Wait. Listen. What did you throw?
Me: I threw up.
Jay: Buddy... I'm in Arizona I want to help y--
Me: I threw up... on the dog. A little... up on the little dog. Nnnuummhh.... eemmff...!
Jay: Where are you staying there?
Me: I don't feel good... but don't call Penny
Jay: Okay.
Me: No, don't call Penny, okay?! Please.
Jay: Okay.
Me: I'm sorry. Also, Jay?
Jay: Yeah?
Me: I love you Jay. I love you, man. (throaty swallowing sounds)
(Rod takes back the phone)
Rod: (IRATE) Your fucking buddy is spewing up in my fucking bar.
Jay: Please, I'm sorry, just take care of them, he's a good guy. I'll pay for it. Just take care of them, okay?!
Rod: Hold on!
(Rod gives the phone to Karen who is upbeat and perfectly sober)
Karen: Hey, Jay, what's going on, bitch? We just got you soo bad. I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud. God, I almost peed my pants.

Jay was a little annoyed at me. But it was a magical moment. Rod deserves a fucking award, he was so convincing. I promised I'd visit him when I make it over to Sydney.

P.S. I'm not a big drinker. After closing out two bars, drinking, three glasses of wine, four pints of Boddingtons Ale, a lemon drop martini, 1 shot of Jaegermeister (VILE SHIT that probably tastes like Demon Semen - the fluid, not the band.) I immediately chased down the Jaeger-eww with a stiff double strength Rum and Coke just to get the Jaeger taste out of my mouth. I was actually pretty close to passing out and Karen wisely insisted that I do so on her Aunt and Uncle's couch rather than try and operate Penny's BMW.

When we got to the house the next thing I remember from my foggy stupor was picking up a cat and bringing it inside the house. Fortunately it actually did belong there. On my way to the bathroom I discovered that her Aunt and Uncle also owned a huge, huge old dog named Bear. Bear made it snarlingly clear that he was not happy that some strange, drunk guy had just awoken him from his hibernation. I froze and tried not to make direct eye contact with Bear. Somebody threw him a treat from out of a dark bedroom and he left me alone to pass out.

God and all his chubby angels should bless Karen's Aunt and Uncle for letting me recover from my drinking binge, making me peppermint tea, toast and coffee. I felt so at home that I expressed my thanks by passing out again. Drunkiboy then woke up at two thirty in the afternoon clutching Boo's pink squeaky rubber bone to my chest.

Moral: Never bring an Australian and a King Charles Spaniel puppy to a British Pub.

Also: Peppermint tea - good for hangovers.

I've never tried it but I'm told that Hair of the Dog works well, too.


Burnt Karma said...

Great yarn. The sad thing is, this is probably the best night out you'll ever have. After here, it's all downhill.

Glad the puppy didn't have a hangover.

Book Book Cheep Cheep said...

Krank Kalling

You've Got What I Need... said...

Wait, his name is Rod? I fully embrace the idea that some clever Mommy out there named her son ROD! Oh, the possibilities for FUN are endless if you are a man named Rod.

Sort of like being a woman named Shimmery-love-cavern, or Starlinda.

Same difference really.

kranki said...

Rod's Mother's name maiden name is Silken Honey Pot. You have a dirty mind. How'd you spend New Years?

Sherriff said...

Jager IS evil, yet evil is good. Good in a gang rape sort of a way. Good in a "Hi lil girl, fancy a rohypnol?" sort of a way and good in a "youse funts ba hahahaha gurifjck...snicker snicker" sort of a way.

Looking forward to hearing Demon Semen.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Hmm... I suppose that I spent New Year's doing fun little pony things. It's a bit fuzzy around the edges but my overall impression is that I had a lovely time. And you, Kranki? How was your merry night of debauchery?

kranki said...

I posted it on my blog. But if you want the nasty details.... You'll have to send me... hmmm... AH! An image of a goat wearing clothes and then I'll crack wide open like a horny bank vault! Huh?