Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Krankiboy Share and Tell

This post was inspired by all my friends who live in Nadstown.

I have never...

Killed in cold blood

Run naked through the streets of Belgium

Made sweet love to a magician, illlusionist or professional foot model

Intentionally stolen anything from a blind person

Failed to "Oooo" and "Aaahhhh" at the sight of fireworks

Performed auto-erotic asphyxiation

Snorted cocaine off the hipbone of a hooker

Walked a mile in another man's shoes

Gone to bed as early as I should have

Told a celebrity I've met that "I'm a really big fan!"

Been been beaten up in a fight since I was six-years old

Visited the Australian penal colony

Smoked a cigarette in my life

Smoked some jive-ass nigga who tried to get all up in my shznit

Learned how to swim

Killed no deputy

Used sex as a weapon

Spent the night in a Turkish prison

I have...
Smashed a large glass of orange juice in my friends face because he was "using bad manners."

Sucessfully tied a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue

Lost four pairs of sunglasses in three days

Gotten exceptionally drunk and told the leader singer of Radiohead that "his songs made me happy" and "you totally rock."

Dressed in drag to try and impress a girl I wanted to date back in high school.

Broken up with somebody because she was too good at French kissing.

Eaten a pork dish in Mexico against the advice of my wife and then regretted it while vomiting up meat blobs the size of raccoons

Peed on a puppy to show him "how he likes it."

Tried several times to blow out a candle only to realize that it was actually a light bulb

Stolen something from most of the finer restaurants I've eaten at

Been propositioned for sex by men while wearing my tacky movie theatre "tuxedo" uniform

Swallowed a tablespoon of salt on a dare for one dollar

Spent a weekend in Vegas with Kato Kaelin

Dated "that girl" in high school who was always trying to get attention by threatening to kill herself... Later I heard she fucked the entire hockey team at her University. She confirmed the rumor.

Been simultaneously sneezed on by two little kids at the exact same time

Lost my moral compass

Tried to kill my pet cockateil using my wallet

Blatantly lied right into people's faces

Never fustigated or defenestrated anybody... yet

Used big words to try and make people think I am smarter than I am

Slipped and broken my nose after ignoring the suggestion to "tie my shoelace"

Gone from being the teacher's pet to the class clown in response to peer pressure.

Knocked myself unconscious by running into a large garbage dumpster and unsuccessfully jumping over a tennis net

Slipped and fallen on a patch of camel semen

Instantly grown bored listening to the sound of my own voice.


la nadine said...

the people (person) of nadstown (aka me) is extremely touched yet slightly baffled because:

a) they (i) cannot believe that they (i) inspired your genius in any way;


b) they are (i am) unsure of whether "all my friends in nadstown" is a reference to hot group sex or a multiple personality disorder.

but either way, cheers krankster!

kranki said...

Why can't it be a reference to Hot Group Sex enjoyed by each of your Multiple personalities? Oh, say hi to Renaldo, after you collapsed into the fetal position and changed into his personality we made plans to play tennis.

knifey said...

"Broken up with somebody because she was too good at French kissing."

Can I have her number (if it was a her!)?

And watch out for the camel semen.

kranki said...

It was back in freshman year of highschool and I was not all that knowledegable about kissing and such things. And she was very intelligent. But had no idea what she was doing with these delicate soft tongue caresses in my mouth. It made me feel "funny". It makes sense since she played the flute and was taking classes at Juliard Music School. I was a fool. Melissa Taxin, I apologize. I'm sure you're making some man or instrument very happy these days. I imagine you could track her down. What woman would love to hear that I hear you were an awesome french kisser in higschool so I tracked you down. That's romantic.

tms said...

You NEED a moral compass to navigate those lists, pally! What an exhilaratingly familiar one moment and eye-brow raisingly are you kidding the next list of haves you have my dear. Must get cracking on my own, a wise and potent, if a touch thirtyish, decision, this list making. The coke on the hooker thing? Not as overrated as some would have you believe.

Angry said...

Where the hell did you find a patch of camel semen?


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