Thursday, December 09, 2004

Mark Your Satanic Calendars :)

I found a Satanic Calendar. It made me wonder.

I imagine this is how one of their E-vite reminders might read.

Hey there fellow Satanists! I just wanted to send you an email to remind you of the Picnic of Tortured Souls next Sunday at my place.

Todd, can you bring the potato salad? Janet is bringing cups and fruit punch and diet Sprite. Beelzebub is making his spicy seven layer bean dip. Yummy, yum, yum. Also don’t forget it's B.Y.O.F.V. (Bring Your Own Female Virgins 7-17 years of age) I've got plenty of plastic cutlery and plates left over from last month's Disemboweling Orgy but we can always use extra napkins. HA HA! On street parking will be limited so please try and carpool or get there early to get a spot. I will have plenty of hamburgers and chicken wings and barbecued baby fingers. Don't worry, I have some Veggie-burgers for you non-meat eaters! Just look for the big baby blue house with the 12 foot pentagram sculpture made of human bones and excrement out front. You can’t miss it. Can’t wait to see y’all there.

Aimee, subservient supplicant of The Dark Lord :)

Oh and according to the calendar I found (see below) there are only about 15 shopping days left before Grand High Climax Day! (Dec 24th)

I'm not a Satanist but that sounds like an intensely fucking cool holiday.

The Satanic Calendar:

This Satanic ritual calendar was compiled from seized sources by a member of a major metropolitan U.S. police department. It is being circulated by Ted Gundersen, retired FBI agent and investigator of Satanic crimes, who has appeared on the Geraldo Rivera show.

It should be noted that in southern California, the sensational kidnappings of 5 children were grouped in the several days immediately preceding the dates when children of such age groups were required for the specific rituals of each Satanic holiday.

Jan. 7 St. Winebald Day Blood (if human) Animal or Human Sacrifice Male
Jan. 17 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal Female 7-17 yrs
Feb. 2 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal Female 7-17
Feb. 25 St. Walpurgis Day Blood Host of Blood & Dismemberment Animal
Mar. 1 St. Eichatadt Blood Drinking of Human Blood for Strength and Homage to the Demons Male or Female
Mar. 20 Feast Day Orgies — Spring Equinox —
April 19-26 Preparation for the Sacrifice
April 26-31 Grand Climax Da Muer Corpus de Baal Oral/Anal/Vaginal Female 1--25 yrs
Jun.21 Feast Day Orgies — Summer Solstice —
Jul. 1 Demon Revels Blood Droids Sexual Sensual Association with the Demons Female any age
Aug. 3 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal F 1-17
Sep. 7 Marriage to the Beast Satan Sexual Sacrifice Dismemberment Female under 21
Sep. 20 Midnight Host Blood Dismemberment Hands Planted Female under age
Sep. 22 Feast Day Orgies — Fall/Autumn Equinox —
Oct. 29-Nov. 1 All Hallow’s Blood & Sexual Climax/Sensual Assoc. with the Sexual Demons Any Human M or F
Nov. 4 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal F 7-17
Dec. 8 Picnic of Tortured Souls – Skinning and Burning of Virgin Female 7-17
Dec. 22 Feast Day Orgies — Winter Solstice —
Dec. 24 Demon Revels Da Muer High Grand Climax M or F
Satanists and witches celebrate eight major Sabbats during the year. Each one holds special significance to them. In addition, Satanists hold a member’s birthdate in reverence. On these dates there should be a significant amount of activity amongst traditional worshippers of Satanism and witchcraft. If bizarre rituals are to occur, within organized satanic groups, they will most likely occur on or about one of these dates.
January 1st (New Years Day) A druid (spirit) Feast Day (lights fires on hill tops).
January 7th (St. Winebald Day) Animal or Human Sacrifice/Dismemberment (use a human male adult). Age 15-33.
January 17th Satanic Revels Celebrated- Sexual (oral/anal/vaginal). Use Females Age 7- 17.
January 20th (St. Agnes’s Eve) Divination (see future husband). Cast spells.
February 2nd (Candlemas) - One of the Witches Sabbats (Sexual-oral/anal/Vaginal). Uses Females Age 7-17.
February 25th (St. Walpugis Day) Host of Blood and Dismemberment. Uses animals.
March 1st (St. Eichatadt) Drinking of human blood for strength and homage to Demons. Use both Males and Females.
March 20th (Feast Day) - Spring Equinox. Orgies.
April 24th (St. Marks Eve) Divining/Herb gathering
APRIL 26--31ST (GRAND CLIMAX/DA MUER) Corpus de Baahl. Uses Females Age 1-25.
MAY 1st (BELTANE-- MAY DAY) Fire festival (same as above).
June 21st (Feast Day) - Summer solstice. Orgies.
June 23rd (midsummer’s Eve or St. John’s Eve) most important time for the practice of Magic-fire festival.
July 1st (Demon Revels Celebrated) Druids Sexual Sensual Association with the Demons. Use Females of any age.
July 25th (St James’ Day) Gathering of Herbs.
August 1st (Lammas) --Great Sabbat. Feast of the Sun God. The beginning of autumn and the harvest season.
August 3rd (Satanic Revels) -- use Females Age 7 -17. Oral/Anal/Vaginal.
August 24th (St. Bartholomew’s Day) - Great Sabbat and Fire Festival. Large herb gathering.
September 7th (Marriage to the Beast Satan) - Sacrifice/Dismemberment. Female child under the age of 21.
September 20th (midnight Host) - Dismemberment. Hands planted. Use Female child under the age of 21.
September 22nd (Feast Day) - Fall/Autumn Equinox. Orgies.
October 29 - November 1st (All Hollows Eve) - Sexual climax, sensual association with the demons. Use any human male or female.
October 31st (Halloween) - Great Sabbat and Fire Festival. Night dead thought to return to earth.
November 4th (Satanic Revels) Sexual oral/anal/vaginal. Use Females After 7-17.
December 21st (St. Thomas’ Day) - Great Sabbat and Fire Festival.
December 24th - (Demon Revels/Da Muer) - High Grand Climax. Use Males or Females.
Individuals Birthday - Highest of all holidays - involves victim and someone in authority.
Shrovetide (3 days before Ash Wednesday) Another witches Sabbat date.
Good Friday/Black Mass
Easter -- Children given to High Priest (rebirth to Satan).
Add five weeks and one day to dates will present the Grand Climax to all underworld Demons.
All holiday’s dates change from year to year according to the satanic calendar and differs from cult to cult.


knifey said...

Aug. 3 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal F 1-17

Sign me up!

"Do what thou wilt, but harm thee none"
-The Satanic Bible.

kranki said...

The February 2nd event also sounds like it could be more interesting than Groundhog Day. I don't imagine they have that weird holiday in the land down unda. Are you familiar with it?

Fizili props!

You've Got What I Need... said...

Dec. 8 Picnic of Tortured Souls – Skinning and Burning of Virgin Female 7-17

I've never been so glad before that I was "overqualified" for a position.


knifey said...

we don't have a ground hog day, or even a whacking day down here in oz, but i have seen the movie (seems like i've seen it a million times, but it tends to have that effect, doesn't it?)

the urban fox said...

Damn, those Satanists have a busy social calendar. When do they find time for the basics like grocery shopping?

alena said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.