*ring ring*
"KB Here"
"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"
"Ummm...Hello? You got the KB on Line 1, how can I help you?"
"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"
"I'm hanging up now...."
"Hello. Hello. Begin Transmission. Is this...Krankiboy?"
"Yeah man" (I was stoned see) "Who is this?"
"Kranki. This is Steve Austin."
"Coooool! You mean the Pro Wrestler? I love you man!"
"No you fool. I mean STEVE. AUSTIN. You know...SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN?"
"Coooool! Six Million Dollars! Hey...errr...I've been trying to get to Australia but things are a bit tight you know? Maybe you could find your way to..."
"Shut up"
"Ok. Just asking. Sheesh! So Sixey, what's the lowwwww down? What the happs? Gimme the 411 big Stevey A"
"Shut up"
"........"
"Good. Now listen Kranki, I have an important mission for you. The fate of the Earth hangs in the balance. Either you accept this mission, or...well I guess we COULD find someone else, but you know, I've been reading your blog for a while now, I found you from your comments on Greg The Boyfriend's blog. Can you believe he's stopped posting? Bummer! Anyway...I thought it would be kind of cool for you to save the Earth. Are you in?"
"Hey what man? Sorry I was nodding off there for a minute. Damn good Pot chief!"
"I said, DO you want, to SAVE the WORLD?
"hehehehehe"
"This is not a joke Krankiboy. I'm deadly serious."
"hehehehehe"
"Stop that."
".......................................................hehehehehe"
"There'll be....lezzzzzzzzbiaaaaaans...."
"When do I start?"
"Immediately. Now listen very closely. I want you to close your eyes, put the phone in your mouth and stand on your left leg."
"hehehehehe"
"THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. DO IT. DO IT NOW"
"hehehehehe...Okay okay...I'm doing it. Geez, for a guy with Six Million Dollars, you're pretty uptight."
I followed Steve's instructions. All of a sudden...I began to feel very strange.
Something was happening to me. I was starting to feel...woooozy.
"Hey err..Steve? Steve I don't feel so crash hot man..."
"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"
"Steve I don't feel so..........."
I blacked out.
When I woke up, I felt different.
Lighter.
I looked around. Where the hell was I?????
*ring ring*
(Luckily I had my mobile phone)
"Errr....Yello?"
"Hello Kranki, it's me Wonder Woman, I'll just get Steve for you..."
"Ummm sure, ok."
"Hello Kranki, I see you made it ok. Good. Now, look behind you, can you see a Mountain range off in the distance?"
"Yeah Six, I see it. You want to me to go there? You shitting me man? That shit miles away!"
"Don't be a pussy Kranki"
"Wonder Woman, get off the phone, this is Top Secret. Damn second phone line."
*click*
"Okay, she's gone. Bitch can be real pain the arse sometimes you know?
"Yeah I here ya man."
"I mean, I try and do the nice things, do the dishes, bring her flowers but, I just can't seem to do anything right sometimes. I don't know...Do you think...Do you think...Maybe I'm just not that good in bed?"
"Errr...Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Dude, I'm kind of like ON THE FREAKING MOON HERE YOU KNOW?"
"Oh yeah, right. Sorry. Okay Kranki, I need you to walk to that distant Mountain Range. I know it's a long way away, but it's VERY IMPORTANT."
"Fine. I'll call you when I get there."
Goddamn saving the world...
I started walking.
Eventually, I made it to the top of the highest mountain. I dialled Steve.
"Hello?"
"Hey Wonder Woman, it's me Kranki, can you put Steve on?"
"STEEEEEEEEVE! It's your little pussy friend Kranki. Oooooh loverssssss."
"........"
"Kranki? Are you there? Did you make it to the mountain range?"
"Yeah man, I'm here. I'M KING OF THE WORLD! Sorry...couldn't resist."
"That's okay, crap movie though."
"Yeah..."
"Okay Kranki...this is it. This is very important. Can you see the Earth from where you're standing?"
"Can I? She's...beautiful Steve. Just beautiful."
"Good. Now Kranki...look very closely...very, very closely...Can you see The Great Wall of China? CAN YOU SEE IT?"
"I'm looking dude, I'm looking..."
"TELL ME! TELL ME!"
"Nope. I can see China. I was pretty good at Geography in High School, but I'm telling you straight up Steve. I cannot see the Great Wall."
"Okay, hang on one second...I've got to make a call."
"........"
"Muscle Mike Menzter here..."
"Mike, it's Steve."
"Heeeey man! What's up? Damn hungover this morning...who'd have ever thought Wonder Woman was into spitro..."
"Dude, I've got Kranki on the line too..."
'Oh...yeah...Hey Kranki!"
"Hello Muscle Mike."
"Mike, Kranki is on THE MOON."
"Oh......yeah?"
"Yeah. Tell him Kranki, tell him what you told me."
"Sure whatever, I can't see the Great Wall of China from here."
"You SEE! YOU SEE! I TOLD YOU MIKEY BOY! You owe me twenty bucks baby!"
"........."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, all brawn no brain baby. Time to pay the ferryman."
"Fine. I'll bring it over tonight."
*click*
"What a chump. Anyway, thanks Kranki, catch you around sometime. See ya."
*click*
"Ummm...guys?"
"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"
"Ummm...guys?"
I've really got to stop answering my phone.
Posts
6 comments:
Duped by colonel Steve Austin.
Ah, kranki, you leave no comedy stone unturned and no comedy turner unstoned. What? Sorry, it's hard to think straight right now as I'm a bit extremely drunk and I have a mouth full of labia.
Gotta go. You'd better ixnay the etnamespay iss Fitsmay ettinggay uspicioussay. Big time.
Cool. I'll clear a shelf off in anxious anticipation. Does that sort of job have a good health plan? What about dental? Can I choose who lives and who dies? I will be the fairest tyranical ruler ever I promise.
And Bryan I read your comment and I was sure that you had written kill the cat. I've got my phone handy in case something important comes up.
I love it when you quote your school teachers. It gets me all hot and bothered.
SHIT! I have to GO one of the ponies we rented is trying to get away. Wooo Hoo!
The real tragedy that this post addresses is-- What in the fuck has happened to Wonder Woman?
I know, there she is, looking all hot and stuff... walking down the street with an enviable amount of nonchalance, but where has she been since the late '80?
It all comes down to the fact that on a mission once, when she became REALLY hungry, W.W ate her invisible jet. Being that the friggin' thing is invisible, x-rays were unable to determine if it was the plane that made her thighs rub together like that, or all the Krispy Kremes' that she'd religiously downed, like a mexican whore when the Navy comes to town, in an effort to keep the cum demons in her head quiet.
Then her career went to shit.
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Catwoman, X-Men, and the Hulk all recieved movie deals before her. So, lately, she's taken to mall walking with the geriatric crowd at nights in order to work off some of her sugary cream filling. She's planning on stopping crime and fighting evil just as soon as she can jump without blowing her knees out.
What a touching story.
Now, Sherriff, what's this about escaping ponies?
You're right...that was some crrrrayyyzay pot!
I think what happens between a man, a woman and a slightly reluctant rented pony should remain slightly private. Unless there are mood altering drugs involved.
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