As you may know, in LA it seems as if everybody is a screenwriter or working on something. They all desperately want you to read their work. Waiters, valet parkers and gas stations attendants have all handed scripts to writers I know.
Meet Erik Belvins. Erik is a budding young screenwriter.
Erik is a REAL person. He works at the Office Depot near my apartment. I was in Office Depot to get some folders and Erik began talking to me. The instant he found out that I had worked as a writer he immediately dashed off. Whatever, I thought. Weird guy. It does not end there. He comes rushing back with a binder containing the treatments for his screenplay ideas and his "head shot." He wants my professional feedback. I have yet to return to that Office Depot store.
But I am very proud to present...
Slade Ripfire: Deadly Blood-Kick to Oblivion
"Karate Crimes?" Do I even need to comment on this?
Wait, how many chinese guys are there?
And how many goldfish?
"SWEET!" indeed. I think Sam Raimi will be eager to direct this script.
I'm sorry did that say the killer's name was "Cho-Cho Washington"?
Words fail me.
Erik Blevins: The Next Screenwriting Superstar?
YES. There are a few more treatments that I will share with you. But like a fine wine they must be sipped and savored.
I'll post another one next week.
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14 comments:
Thank you, I was on the verge of suicide until I read this post.
I have found my calling in life; it is to direct and produce this film.
Where can I get the contacts from Mr. Erik Belvins? Pure genius.
Does Erik have a lady friend?
I know it was supposed to be a serious crime movie, so why in the world am I laughing + whacking my hand on the table?
A B-grade film in the making, definitely. I guess it will work if it was treated like some spin-off or a major spoof of something like...say, Rush Hour or Romeo Must Die. Hah!
*snickers* Cho-Cho Washington..?Karate crimes..?Ripped-off spine..?
What, Hellraiser meets CSI???
Erik is a beautiful human being, who deserves more respect for taking the time to write such cutting satire. I think you should take a long hard look at yourself before judging him so harshly
Geez. Spicy Cauldron strikes again.
I just took that long hard at myself that you suggested and i noticed that I have less tolerance for bullshit than ever before. Also I need to start doing sit-ups again.
giggles: That is actually a favorite site of mine. Also, sorry I gave you that STD. My bad.
leif: I agree! I think Vin Diesel in blackface would be perfect!
buck fudd: I feel honored that the material fell into my lap.
anon: Have you proudced or directed any other movies of such epic portions?
YGWIN: Well, I got the sense that Erik makes the rounds. But if any woman can suck him into a serious relationship, I know it's you.
ct: I love getting readers from new locations and I enjoyed your blog. Even the posts that weren't about me.
fluffy: That documentary would kick more ass than a karate criminal.
other anon: If you're kidding, I'm laughing. If you're serious, I'm laughing at you.
Kranki, can you please get in touch with him so we kind find out exactly what the move ‘Deadly Blood Kick Oblivion’ looks like?
I actually didn't realise how good this was until I started to read it out loud to my brother. Then the tears started. I have so many favorite bits. The bone sticking out of the neck, for example. Would it be CGI or a prosthetic? Could I be the rollerskate girl? Or the mime?
Oh, God. Poor Eric. We are just all on the express trian to Hell. Mind you, I don't think his mind is all that pure either. Fuck over the credits, indeed.
Personally, I prefer the world in which Krankiboy creates the reality for me. The internet is big and scary when he's not there holding my hand.
very strange that you never actually cited comedian patton oswalt or bobanddavid.com as the actual source of this script.
very strange indeed.
That's funny. Too bad Eric Blevins is a fictional character created by comedian Patton Oswalt, and this treatment as well as numerous others were posted on BobandDavid.com like 5 years ago. You should try thinking up original material seeing as it's you're blog. Just a thought.
Dude. This is Patton Oswalt's material. Why are you citing that? Bad idea.
I wanted to explain to a young co-worker Patton's Blevins concept and the bobanddavid stuff isn't up so I'm glad this poorly plagiarized post is still available. Thanks thief!
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