Everything Fits

I thought I'd make a little picture book that shares some of me with all of you. So you know that you have truly arrived and become a big time blogger when somebody (who you have never met) names either a sandwich or a mode of transportation after you. Today I am the proud nick-namesake of the Ms. Fit's KRANKIVAN. As in "Hey, let's pull into this alleyway so we can whip out our overheating sexmachines and fuck our drunken brains out in the back of the KRANKIVAN.
"Who the hell are you?!"
"Just shut up and get in the van!


Sure a van named after you isn't as glamorous as having your very own line of Politically themed clothing. Nor is it as impressive as being able to finger a turntable so deftly that you're capable of laying down a beat that will seductively stir a crowd into a writhing, dancing, hot, sweaty lather of bump n' grind goodness.



"How did you two meet?" Good question. Well, Fits and I were brought together like two wayward fireflies drawn to the warm glowing beacon of debaucherous, self-hating introspection that is This Guy's Blog.


Isn't it tasteful of his friend to tuck his shaft in. What a gentleman. Otherwise that would be crass. FYI Greg's blog has been quite good lately.

Yes, Ms. Fits and I found each other while posting our cleverly cleverful comments on his blog. Perhaps if you wanted to you could look up that magical exchange and melding of the minds. Then things between us quickly got mucho hot and muy heavy. Our frenzied blogaffair had us staying up to all hours of the night exchanging two, sometimes three emails a day. Scandalous. We typed voraciously. (me with both hands) Then I woke up one morning to discover that I'd become her platonic penpal and life partner. Chicks always push for a committed relationship. It was a frenzy. We explored every nook and cranky of each others bloggies until we were both utterly cyber spent. I'll admit I was partly in it for huge potential for Aussie girl on girl action anecdotes.



It was hard keeping up with the wild woman once she was loose from her marriage corral. But I held on tight, bit my lip and prayed for dear life.



I was bucked about. I was helpless to resist her as she pumped out megawatts of her...

Unleashing it on me like torrential downpour. It was around about that time that she showed up in my subconscious. I had a strange dream in which Fits and I were Interpol spies who had infiltrated a Nazi Zepplin. In the dream Fits was looking not unlike this...


Complete with tall sexy boots and a garterbelt holster. I just had a brown jumpsuit on. What kind of fucking spy was I?! She's all spandextasticly decked out and I'm wearing a brown jumpsuit? Then the dream got really weird when Jess from ausculture showed up on her jetpack and rocket boots to provide us with back up. I realized it was only a dream when neither of superspylettes got naked and made out. Just lots of FemiNazi ass whooping. Stupid violence taking the focus away from sex. I'd like to take violence and bash it right in the face. Grrr.

Back in the conscious world now. That's about the time (it was actually later on but go with me) that a certain Excellent Spelling Penis* came bursting (pun intended) into the picture. Yes, folks, there was a new Sherriff in town and there was much Sheriffy Fitsnakedness. Were I not happily married and eight jillion miles away this Johnny come lately (pun once again intended) fellow would not have been welcome. But damn him if he didn't charm me. Then they were gallivanting about and it seemed as if every time I checked in with them some hot chick or chicks had flown into Melbourne to join them and...

In a SPA. That was because they were constantly having Spa Sex Parties. Australians are so uptight. I'm not keen for all that sexual madness and trying to keep tabs on who's sucking who's dick and whose nipple ring is pressing into the back of my neck tom foolery. All I'm looking forward to is a good seat where I can sit back, relax and watch some...


While I sit in a comfy chair and do this....


My real pocket monkey is far bigger than that. In fact you can ask Gabi who gave me the nickname "Longpants" (and a beautiful blue-eyed baby girl**) The nickname is now simply "Long". You see Fits told me that her friend was going to be in L.A. shaking her groove wagon and party muffins all about for all the boys and girls. Clearly Gabi and I should meet up. The L.A. part of their tour got cancelled so I drove eight hours to with my friend G all the way to Tucson to see the Town Bikes. And after an evening of heavy drinking and yee-hawing and etcera-ing, my vision was precisely like this.

Matching Hotwheels dresses! Who shall be the first one introduced to the semen snake?


I have a vague memory of going to a my first Rollerderby and seeing this kid...


Cheering on the Iron Curtain in the Tucson Roller Derby Finals.

And I tried to be witty and quirky with the Town Bikes so they'd report back to mothership Fits and say I was charming and sweet as a...


Awwww.

Then I got back to my palacial office here in beautiful and stlylin' Los Angeles California...



After a short nap I decided to ascend to the top of Mt. Olympus where I found...


Zeus. The God of Thunder! (and also of waffles-- who knew?) And I asked Zeus why had I been chosen as this girl's penpal and platonic life partner. And he spoke to me in a thunderous voice and bellowed-- Okay, that part isn't true.

And both Fits and I (just her) got terribly busy doing things like creating a TV show. Yet still all I kept hearing about was how scads of this...

...was happening on the other side of the earth. Big toes were boldly going places where no toes had gone before. Nadstown!


But I told myself that my country in this dark hour of Republicanevil...

My country needed me to do my part and help push Bush out of the Oval office. And... I didn't check back to see how that election turned out, but I'm sure President Kerry is doing a great job.

Saddened that the Religiofanatics had snuffed out my candle with their Conservatism, I dearly hoped that I would see my platonic life partner before too many years had gone by and she was reduced to...




And while the Melbourne lifestyle...


Is sure to float anyone's duck...


I am looking forward to seeing my dear Fits visit me here in Los Angeles where we will frolic and do our best no to get written up in the...


But if that happens I have a secret card up my sleeve...



Plus Fits has become so huge after her multiple Aussie Blog Wins. That when she stomps into California the people will all cry out...



And all the hot bikini-clad babes will be drooling to get there soft nubile hands on the recipe for secret sauce stored deep within the denim pants of the...



Yes, so I must wait and daydream until sweet summer whilst the Fits girl and Sherriff boy continue to...


With all of their sex-crazed love slaves.

Meanwhile, I'll be right here, trying my very best to avoid being...



So, dear friends, until the Fits and the Sherriff come galloping into town, toss a rope around me or stuff $$$s in my Longpants pockets so they can kidnap me and whisk me away with them to a land down under, I shall continue to be eternally yours and forever...


xoxo
krankiboy

* Inside joke, for which you'll forgive me.
** not true... not yet.