Kitten Kaboodle

...Well how am I supposed to feel? I feel really hurt, you know? Rejected.



Listen, Kitten, I'm sorry. What we had was very special. I'm not rejecting you. I'm taking my life in a new spiritual direction. We've grown apart over the last few weeks. I've been in search of enlightenment while you've been putting all your energy towards batting that ball of yarn around. I need more. Somebody who will challenge me as a person.


I just don't understand where this is coming from.



I feel it inside of me I need a change I'm going to Nepal. I'm need to find myself.


What? Nepal!? Great meanwhile I'm stuck here with no girlfriend the day after Valentines Day. Perfect.



Oh, Please. That's such a commercial holiday, anyway. Uch... I still can't believe you gave me pink roses. How fucking tacky is that? You don't even know me. Look I'm hanging up. Have a good life.

*Click*


*ring ring*


*ring ring*




Hello?


Hey Krankster, it's Kitten Doing Push-ups. Can we talk?


Hey, Kitten Doing Push-ups! I was just about to call you.
Dude, Naked Harpie said there's gonna be a rager of a party tonight. You up for it?


Actually, Myra just broke up with me. I don't think a party is quite my speed.


Oh! Dude. Good riddance. Screw that crunchy chick and the hairy pits she rode in on. Seriously, dude, it looked like she had a vagina under each arm. Those mangy fuckers were long enough to braid into dreadlocks. You're too good for her. That acne, her vegan politico bullshit. Plus she didn't even like Da Ali G Show. Hey did you see the one where Borat goes... um... What was I saying? Oh yeah... So just come out and cut loose tonight. You're swingle again.


Yeah, but I'm not feeling like putting myself out there...


You have to dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, dude. It's settled. We're going to the party. I'm picking you up. No excuses. You know what I always say. Nothing cheers up a little pussy like a little pussy.


HA HA! Good one. Maybe, I don't know. I guess you're right. It'll be good just to get out of the house anyway. What time you wanna roll out?


I'll get the scoop and ring you back. Okay, dude?


Okay, I'll I just be hangin' here, man. Later.

*click*





*ring ring*




Hello?


Hey, Harpie, it's Krankiboy. What time does that party start?


Like around 9, but I'm not gonna get there until 11 at the earliest.


Cool, cool. Listen, my buddy Kitten Doing Pushups just broke up with this girl. You know anybody that we could set him up with. He needs some serious cheering up.


Ah sexual healing. Hmmm... he's into girls. Hmmmm... lemme make some calls and see what I can do.


*Click*




Polichicks, keep left it you wanna get laid? Oh hey Harpie.... No we broke up with Owen and Luke it was creepy dating brothers, ya know?... Well the five of us voted and we decided 3 votes to 2 to dump them. Why?.... No WAY! You're kidding?! He's single now?! What about that hippie nerd chick he was.... Really? Oooo... he's cute we just want to pick him up, pass him around and stroke him until he pops! Okay, we'll see you there, then. Bye slut.


*ring ring*





*ring ring*



Hello?


Hey Kittten, it's Elisabeth. I heard you and Miss Hair Pits are splits. Do you love how I just rhymed that? Anyway this is a bit embarrassing but... maybe... would you want to--

"Damn it, Elisabeth! Did you eat my last lean cuisine!"

Kitten, hold on, my camel toe roommate is calling me.

What do you want I'm on the phone?



I asked you if you ate my last fucking lean cuisine meal! I wrote my god damn name on it!!


Uh... Elisabeth you sound busy maybe I could--

*BEEP*

That's my other line. I'll call you back.


*Click*


Hello?.....






Hello?......





Heeyyy, Kitten. It's Jamie your neighbor from upstairs. C-could you come up here cause we-- I mean I... Te he he he. I um... I -- I know you work out and stuff. So I was really kind of wondering and hoping if you could, like, help me, maybe, you know, move my bed around.


Yeah, I guess so. I'm not doing anything else. What are neighbors for, right? *Click*

*Sigh*

Shit. Moving furniture. What a crappy night this is shaping up to be.