Might ain't right

I rang myself up the other day.


"Yeah, it's me. People have been talking about you" I said to myself.


"What people," I replied, 'What are they saying?"


"They're calling you a pussy man. They says you couldn't fight to defend the honour of a drunken sailor at a Hong Kong Opium Den."


"That's a strange thing for them to be saying," I said to myself.


"Yeah well, what you gonna do about it mon?"

At this point I wondered how I had all of a sudden developed a Jamaican accent, but I shrugged it off.


"I don't know, you're me, so...what do I suggest?"


"I think we should show them man, show them not to mess with the K-Man, you hear what I'm saying?"

I heard alright. But I wasn't sure I liked where this was going. I was confused. How did I get my phone number? Was I having an episode? Would fighting make me look a little like


this?

Or a whole lotta


this?

Why was I all of a sudden calling myself the K-Man?

The K-Man.

Speaking it out loud I suddenly felt a rush of blood to my head. That's when I realised I was actually hanging upside down. What a strange day this was. Righting myself I began to jump up and down on the spot shouting, "I'm the K-Man Fool, I AM THE K-MAN. YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? WELL? DO YA? OH, YOU WANT SOME TOO? YEAH, THERE'S A PIECE OF K-MAN FOR YOUR OLE MAN."

I was punching the air, which felt good because the air can't punch back. Unless you stick your head out of the window of a jet plane, in which case it can slam your face like a two tonne truck. But the air in my kitchen is generally peaceful and zen-like, so all it did was hang there whilst I used my Krank-fu on it's ass.

Fight hey?

I began to picture in my mind fights that I had witnessed previously.



Okay, that doesn't look too bad.



Oh Alexis, when will you learn Blake doesn't love you anymore!




You know what? I'm starting to like this whole fight bizness.


I was feeling pumped. It all added up.



The more I got into fights, the more my testosterone level would begin to resememble some sort of mathematical phallus and the more respect I would get from my LA Holmies which of course would in turn lead to more Dynasty-esque love making with nude mud wrestling lesbians.

I called myself back.


"Hello?"


"Yeah it's me"


"Oh hey, how are you?"


"Yeah, you know, can't complain..I mean no-one listens anyway right?"


"Yeah, I hear ya. Hey you don't know where I put my keys do you?"


"Try next to the bed."


"Oh yeah! Anyway look, about this fight business..."


"Yeah mon, holmies been dissin' yo all over town."


"Yeah well, tell them the K-Man is in town and he wants to talk."


"You sure man?"


"Just tell them okay?"


"Okay man, I will. Hey..."


"Yeah?"


"I love you man. I'm really sorry about that whole slash the wrist thing back in High School, I was feeling confused man, you know?"


"It's okay. I'm past it now. Just call me once in a while ok?"


"Ok"



I hung up.


I had to prepare myself, get fit, get training. Who could I call?



No. I was in no mood for maintenance work.



No. I was in no mood for kiddie fiddling.



No. I was in no mood for kiddie fiddling.

The K-Man was to go it alone.
The K-Man was tough.
The K-Man was fast as lightning.
The K-Man...The K-Man...The K-MAN!



I don't remember much about the next few hours. Just snippets.

I remember the warmth of the sun on my face as I stepped through the front door of my Compton Holiday House. I remember the laughter that greeted me as I approached a group of local Hoods asking to be taken to their leader. I remember being blindfolded and put in the back of their Van. I remember distinctly the smell of old leather and what could have been cheap aftershave or stale urine. I remember being led into a warehouse where I came face to face with the notorious Gang Leader.

After that, my mind is a blank.


*ring ring*



"Hello?"


"........."


"Hellooooo?"


"........"


"Look, who is this? I'm going to hang up soon."


".......It's me"


"Oh hey! Did you find the keys?"


"Yeah, right where you said. Geez I'm a real blockhead sometimes!"


"Hey, it happens to the best of us...hehehehe"


"Look man, about what happened at the warehouse..."


"What do you mean? You were there? I can't remember a goddamn thing!"


"You...what? Really?"


"Yeah man, my minds gone blank...What the hell were you doing there anyway? What the hell is going on?"


"........."


"Dude..."


"Oh hey man, there's someone at the door...I gotta go. I'll speak to you soon yeah? Great! And get the arm tended to, it might go gangrenous."


*click*


Confused, tired and sore and realising that I should take my own advice and see to my arm, I ran a hot bath. This whole testosterone thing was over rated, where were the lesbians? Had I even fought anyone? K-Man was sleepy. K-Man wanted nigh nighs.

*ring ring*


"Hello?"



"Yes. Miyagi here. Miyagi very impressed by Krank-Fu style. Miyagi want to learn."


"Oh hey Miyagi, listen I'm real tired ok? Maybe Saturday we can get together?"



"Oh. Saturday is acceptable to Miyagi. And Kranki-San?"


"Yes Miyagi?"



"Bring Paintbrush"



*click*



I fell asleep and dreamed of kittens.