Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Dear Church Chicks

Here is a letter I just sent out in today's mail. Enjoy.

Dear Sister John and Sister Lelepali,

Thank you very much for taking the time to stop by my house the other day and visit with me. I am sorry that my telephone conversation did not permit me to give you my full attention. I am very interested in religious matters. In fact, I have spent long hours in front of the mirror soul-searching and contemplating the nature of God and the role she/he has given me along with the gift of life.

I have put together some questions that I hope you will be kind enough to answer. I realize that you are more knowledgeable on these matters of spirituality and than me and I am open to your wisdom and advice. Please email me at at your earliest convenience. I am anxious to hear your thoughts on these religious matters.

Thank you. I hope they pay you really well at the church. I think you’re doing a really good job.

My Questions:

1) Does God have a beard or not? I’ve seen pictures of him with and without. Which one is right?

2) Is God mad at me for something I said or did?

3) Did God write the bible all by himself? Has he written any other good books?

4) When you gals aren't out spreading the word of God, do you ever like to party down? Even the most steadfast vessel of the Lord needs to recharge their batteries.

5) Do you know that God exists? How? What's his favorite color? Will I meet him when I die?

6) If God hates the gays then how come he lets all those alter boys get molested by the priests?

7) If you accidentally kill somebody during rough sex can you still get into heaven? Just curious.

8) If Jesus comes back, would it be okay if he crashed at your place?

9) Would it be weird if he walked in on you while you were taking a shower?

10) Would you lock the bathroom door or would you trust him and leave it open?

I would be excited if Jesus came back because he seems like he was a really nice person.

My friend Matty B asked me to see if you know the answers to these questions. They are not listed in the bible or the encyclopedia. He’s Australian so that’s why some of the questions may seem strange. I don’t think he knows a lot about Religion, but he asked me nicely to help him and I think it’s important to enlighten even those that live in dark and Godless corners of the globe.

Here are his questions.

A) What sort of plane did Pontius Pilate fly? I told him I didn’t think that there were any planes or even cars or fire back then, but he wanted to find out from a really religious person who knows for sure.

B) If alcohol is evil, why did Jesus turn the water into Wine? And what happened at that party anyway?

C) And why was getting Stoned considered a punishment back then? Nowadays we PAY for the privilege!

Thanks again for taking the time to help me learn more about the word of God and please tell me more about your church.

Maxwell Hardy


Sherriff said...

Sister John? No wonder she don't get nun.

Di Gallagher said...

Sorry I missed the chat. I was unfortunatly spending a very hot day at work, and then a subsequent coma.

Anonymous said...

I love it when I hear a complaint on how/why President Bush won the election. Face it, you can't blame it on anyone but your fellow Americans. The majority voice was heard and a President was elected. I love it when liberals complain of intolerance when in fact they are as guilty as the conservatives. You also show your blatant ignorance by assuming these two "churchies" are republican. I highly doubt they discussed their political views with you. I see at least you were a gentleman to them in person which at least you can be credited for that. However, your post shows your true intent/nature and you could have the decency to remove the names or at least the phone number of these two young ladies off of the posted picture. Obviously you were stoned/drunk when you came up with those questions but I suppose your post was aimed at trying to get a chuckle out of your "heathen" friends. Your attempt at humor and wit must only be appreciated by such.

Anonymous said...

"I'm trying to accept the idea that what you do for a living doesn't define who you are."

Taken from your profile you say you are a teacher. If you believe in your quote you probably should not teach. Hopefully you don't teach young impressionable minds...

I hate to burst your bubble but everything you do defines who you are.

Nimitz said...

Just in relation to anonymous poster number one could I just say:

What a po-faced twerp.

You're worried about the names and phone numbers of two people who are wandering around introducing themselves and handing out their phone number to complete strangers?

And let me just say that Kranki doesn't have to be "stoned/drunk" to think like that. He thinks like that all the time.

*Dusts hands together and walks off*

Tony P said...

Those are some very interesting questions krankiboy and I can't wait to see them answered. However, I do feel you missed out on asking some really pertinent questions, like;

1) If God had a name, what would it be?

2) And would you call it to his His face if you were faced with Him and all His Glory?

3) What would you ask if you just had one question?

4) Yeah, yeah, God is good, yeah, yeah, God is great, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what if God was one of us?

5) Just a slob like one of us?

I have more, but those will do for now.

Thanks Krankiboy!

Nimitz said...

If god had a name it would be Tony.

la nadine said...

hey kranki, can you remind when our next heathen friends bake sale is? i forgot to write it down in my heathen calendar.

kranki said...

Well, I teach elementary school. I give the kids the power to question things rather than just accept things as they are. They're VERY impressionable and we're going to form a pro-carb anti-religion army, I have them sharpening deadly weapons and mixing sinister poison at this very moment. Sleep tight.

Oh and Nads, the Heathen Bake sale is February 6th, the day after we bathe in the blood of those holy virgin triplets that we nabbed from that church picnic. Whose turn is it to do the stabbing, I can't keep track? Also I'm making you a lovely bracelet from their pearly white teeth.

Burnt Karma said...

Just wanted to say sorry I missed the chat. Hubbs had the day off at short notice...We went outside and marvelled at that glowing, golden orb in the sky.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I also thought it was weird how you scratched your name off of the note but left theirs on it before posting it.

Anonymous said...

Maybe if you hadn't acted like you were interested they wouldn't have felt the need to leave a note on the door. I made the same mistake with some Jehova Witnesses a couple weeks ago and now I find their pamphlets on my doorstep all the time.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Jan. 7 St. Winebald Day Blood (if human) Animal or Human Sacrifice Male
Jan. 17 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal Female 7-17 yrs
Feb. 2 Satanic Revels Sexual Oral/Anal/Vaginal Female 7-17
Feb. 25 St. Walpurgis Day Blood Host of Blood & Dismemberment Animal

Well hell, on one of the above dates (who knows which one now) a magical event occured in Ponyland.

At the time I was living with three hot females who had a wicked dealer, and one night we got rather into a batch of something or other.


The door warned... to which we all started freaking out thinking that it was the cops come to bust up our little mixer.

No-- It was a tag team of Mormons, complete with sensible shoes and backpacks.

So, we did what anyone else would do:

We started moaning, blowing smoke under the door and dribbling out red wine through the cracks all while thumping and writhing on the floor.

Then I wrecked it by throwing an orange wedge at my friend, and when it stuck to her forehead she peed her pants.

We all started laughing so HARD that the Koreans next door invited us to a party the following evening-- by phone.

"Hey, you guys having good, good time this night. Come to party with us tomorrow, it's a better time!"

So we went, and the party comprised of 27 giggling Koreans who partied by pulling slips of paper from a jar, only to then pronounce the word(s) written upon them in English.

It went something like this:

"hahahaha.... regina"

"No," we'd say, "... V..v..v.. vagina!"

"That's what I SAID! RaginA!"

We gave up after about 10 min...

Needles to say the Mor-mans returned, and with biblical ammo to spare. They had demons to cast out.

The Koreans all went home, and now all I've got to show for the whole drugged out weekend is a little dark haired baby... we named her Regina.

I don't know how, but I think the Mormons put a whammy on me... so be warned kranki, as you just might get preggers if you fuck with them.

Long comment I KNOW, but I'm making up for lost time!

Anonymous said...

haha... nice.

kranki said...

Pony girl, I heart you big time. Commentastic!

I'm giving the good sisters some exposure. This blog attracts a good number of people who have not accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior. All PR is good PR, right?

The immature coward.

I love that the fucktards have found my blog. Spread the gospel of kranki and you shall be saved.

Jellyfish said...

I tried to read your post out to my brother, but I kept choking up with laughter. When I got to the bit about Pontius Pilate, I had to lie down on the floor and cry a little.

Also - it is ok for me to laugh because I believe in God and sometimes even go to church. So in laughing at Christians I am actually just laughing at myself in a self-deprecating, 'oh, *you*' kind of a way. Guilt-free fun!