Wednesday, November 16, 2005

A Tattoo Tutorial

As somebody who has no tattoos, I am the perfect person to pass judgment on them and provide expert advice to those seeking tattoo advice.

Here are some tips to avoid getting a tattoo that you might someday regret.

First of all do not get a tattoo that is going to last longer than your relationship.

No amount of club drugs you can take will make it disappear off your arm.

"I'm rollin' pretty hard. Dude get me a water, I'm gonna call and leave another message on Shaina's answering machine."

Don't have your tattoo inked by the new intern at the head shop.

Remember that your body is being displayed as well as the tattoo. It's sad when a once menacing wolf on top of a mountain looks like he's standing on a wobbly hunk of Jello.

If you are a sappy idiot with no writing ability, stick to a nice flaming skull or butterfly. Or perhaps a lovely greeting card.

Consider getting something you might still enjoy after you stop playing Dungeons & Dragons or decide to end your Professional Wrestling career.

"Hey, Ramone, can you ink me a real bad-ass tat? Like um... a skull with a bomb smashin' through his head and, like, the number 13 below that and wait-- also I love my dog, like a lot, and I want to tell the world. So maybe also a awesome-looking fire hydrant that says, like, Dogs Rule or sumthin tight!

"Yo! Dude, it's perfect, thanks man!"

Also, avoid going for something a bit too cute.
"How about something with frogs and flowers?"

Rule of thumb: If it's too adorable to go on a baby bib...

Remember that Tattoos can become addictive.

"Yes, that's right. I was considering getting my doctorate in psychology but then I realized I needed that money to put towards my Hello Kitty tattoo."

Yes, I understand you might like wild animals. I hear that they can actually put images on T-Shirts nowadays.

"Check out that ferret killing a rat. The tattoo guy gave me a discount so that one only cost me 400 dollars. Plus he did the snake's tongue for free."

That's obviously not a tattoo, just a very unique looking birth mark.

"It's not going to bruise my skin at all, is it?"

Ummmm. Why??

Don't use your body to advertise for big business. "Next I'm gonna get me a big Budweiser logo on my thigh."

Don't get tattooed just to impress the ladies.

Darth Vader looks like he's got a lazy eye.

"Shusshh, stay perfectly still, there's a huge spider right above your knee. Oh, fuck, that scares me every time."

Honestly, I think it's great to be passionate about a cause. Something you really believe in that... what was I saying? Anyway, I'll be right back I just got this weird sudden craving for a Wendy's Hamburger.

Great, now all the animals who can read are glad to have your support.

"You remember that long boring scene in Lord of the Rings with the Treant and the Hobbits? Well guess what!?"

I think anybody who sees this next tattoo has probably already got sex on their mind. It just makes your next visit to the gynecologist all the more awkward.

"I was just noticing your tattoo and was wondering if you'd like to accompany me for dinner. Then maybe we could hold hands and split a milkshake afterwards."

"Excuse me? What do you mean you're not attracted to me?

"Well how about now?"

What the fuck is that? Some kind of hairy, eyeless, ant-eater goat-boar penis?!

Look a cute little Mogwai Puffer fish.

"Yeah, I saw the movie Braveheart. It was pretty good."

When you tell the tattoo inker that you want him to draw a huge cock on your left arm it's important to be specific.

Remember it's best to display your tattoo with pride and quiet dignity.

Here are some tattoos that I actually liked.


BEVIS said...

That whole thing was frickin' hilarious!! :)

Nice work, Kranksta!

Buck Fudd said...


The "Mogwai Puffer Fish" appears to be enjoying a quiet durrie.

And "No Regrets" looks like it's been done on a practice corpse.

I gave serious consideration to getting a midlife crisis tattoo recently. I wish I'd seen your post first.

Buck Fudd said...

8 days, 22 hours, 47 minutes and 45 seconds! (+15 hours)

ms fits said...


Both the post, and you.


Clokeeeey! said...

That was friggin funny. I laughed until I stopped, and then I saw little tattoo and ricardo and fell of the chair. Nice one!

I never thought a tattoo could look sexy but that one made me crack one through the covers.

Donna Grayson said...

Thanks for the funny post. That was hyserical !

Magical_M said...

Somehow I missed out on "Curious George & The Bottle of Ether" as a child...

But I love that tattoo!

Jess said...

Fucking gold!

And why am I a week late on all these posts? As the Italians might say, Jess e sempre in ritardo.

Capital Ideas Australia said...

Oh the poor misguided fools. Why didn't they go for something original & classy like a nice little rose on the shoulderblade or a heart with an arrow through it on the boob? A celtic armband or a dolphin on the ankle? Or (my personal favourite) the Japanese symbol for friendship? There are so many pretty ways to brand yourself as unique if you just put your mind to it!