Friday, August 05, 2005

My Email to Ron

Dear Ron, the following is a story of how the Guard Alaska Bear Spray Repellent was used. After this story you will receive an offer that is for you and you alone.

Myrna loved working with the legless orphans but wasn't thrilled about the neighborhood where the Orpanage for Crippled Children was located. It wasn't the safest place she could have chosen to teach gymnastics, but seeing the look on a legless orphans face when they learned to somersault for the first time made it all worthwhile. Myrna loved teaching

One night at the end of her shift Myrna strapped on her snow shoes and began the long 9 mile walk to the nearest parking lot. Boy she loved those crippled little tykes.

She was about to turn the lock to her car when two large bears stepped out of the shadows in the forest alleyway. "Hey, human lady, where you going in such a hurry?" asked the grizzly bear. "Yeah," said the polar bear, "we just want to be your friend he said with a smug chuckle."

Myrna knew that when confronted by a bear you aren't supposed to run. Merna reached into her back pack grabbed her cannister of Guard Alska Bear Spray Repellent and pretended to pass out.

"Drat," said the Grizzly Bear, "It looks like she died of fright. I was looking forward to devouring her while she wriggled and struggling for her precious life."

Myrna was careful to remain perfectly still.

"I had the very same instinct" said the Polar Bear. "Oh well, she's not gonna be any fun to eat now. Let's go forage for berries or something."

That's when Myrna turned the tables on her assailants. She jumped to her feet catching both bears completley by surprise. The Grizzly Bear lunged at Myrna, but unlike the orphans, Myrna had legs and she used them to execute a perfect double forward flip over the bears, blocking their escape from the wildnerness alleyway.

Cornered and scared, the Grizzly Bear lunged for her torso but Myrna quickly pointed the easy-to-grip Guard Alaska Bear Repellent cannister at the bear and blasted him in mid-air. He fell to the ground blinded. The sharp searing sting of the Guard Alaska Bear Spray Repellent caused him to curl up into the fetal position. The Polar Bear growled and swiped his massive claw across her head. The claw slash ripped the flesh from her eye socket down to her collarbone and the crimson blood spatted out of her severed artery and onto the white snow-powdered forest floor.

Confident that he had finished Myrna, the Polar Bear looked over at his Grizzly companion. Suddenly, Myrna threw a powerful round-house karate kick to the throat of the Big Bear and sent him spinning against the alley wall of the forest. The Polar Bear swiped at her leg but Myrna skillfully lept over it. When the Big White Bear growled and snapped his massive jaws, Myrna rolled to the side commando-style, just like she'd taught the kids. She quickly pointed her trusty Guard Alaska Bear Spray Repellent and blasted the big fella with the patented, powerful and debilitating spray from her Guard Alaska Bear Spray Repellent. With that he was down on the ground wishing that humans had never moved into his natural feeding grounds and dwindling habitat.

"My eyes, Reggie! She's burning my beautiful polar bear eyes!"

Both Bears lay curled up and helpless. Just like two harmless teddy bears, Myrna thought.

The police arrived and quickly slapped the extra-large paw-cuffs onto the bears. "You won't be eating the legs off of orphans any more. You bears are going to the zoo."

"How did you know I was in trouble?" Myrna asked the officers.

"Well, the story seemed like it was wrapping up so we got here as soon as we could to provide a quick and convenient ending. You might want to see a doctor for that bear scratch."

Myrna waved to the psychic police officers as they drove off. The adreneline rush began to fade. Myrna staggered alone in a sea of white. She noticed that her blood pool had frozen to the bottom of her boot. She felt the part of her head where a chunk of her face used to be. The blood loss had simply been too great, and she collapsed onto the soft snowy ground. Her last thought was of the orphans. Who would be there to teach them gymnastic now? Who be there to catch little Betty if she slipped off the uneven bars.

Bear Spray Repellent - Guard Alaska

Well, Ron, what do you think of my story? I sure hope you can use this story to help sell anti-bear spray to people. You have my express written permission to make use of it.

Yours in safety,

Guard Alaska 20% ultra hot pepper spray has proven so effective repelling bears, it is the only one registered with the EPA as a repellent for ALL SPECIES of bear!9 Ounce Supersize with Shotgun fogger delivery. Range of spray: Approximately 15-20 feet. Dimensions: Height: 8-3/4" x Width: 2" An invincible 20% ultra hot pepper spray. Absolutely the most effective and powerful bear defense spray available today. This product has proven so effective that it is the only one registered with the EPA as a repellent for ALL SPECIES of bear! Environmentally safe! Does not contain flammable or ozone depleting substances. Our formula is scientifically proven superior, and endorsed by the Alaska Science & Technology Foundation. Six years of extensive testing in the wilds of Alaska.

Ron, enough with the email teasers. Just take me in your strong arms and let me smell your deep man musk. That's the only smell that makes me feel that I am truly, truly safe.


cattermune said...

hello mr krankiness man
ve are hot young blonde vimmen from sveden and are vishing to go to vissit the oh-zies down-under.
ve have been warned of ze drop bears who vork with the firm bodied and hard drinking young mens zat oh-zies call the bogans,to scare us vhen we are in our bi-ki-nis.
does your sspecial sspray work on zees bears and zees bogans young men at the same time as we have heard oh-zzy police are often not ass psychics like your clever american ones.
ve do not vork with the orphans but do like the gymnasticss, vhich ve vill use once the young men and their bears are go, to enjoy the hot svedish menage.
nothing setss off the menage like young mens and bears with burning burning eyes.
enjoy you the yoga,
hot svedish blonde vimmens

kranki said...

Hi, Swedish commercial vimmen. Yes, my understanding is that while horny Bogan men are harder to drive away than angry bears, the Spray repellent has proven effective on some types of Bogan men.

However, to be 100% protected I will need supervise the full body application of anti-Bogan/Bear lotion. It's an old family recepie that has a flavor which is remarkably similar to whipped cream.

Sometimes it requires several coatings.

Also, I am working on a getting a grant to study Swedish massage techniques. Please let me know where we can meet so I can begin the grueling research.

* briefly considers not posting the above comment*

cattermune said...

grueling ... ah ha ha ha ha ... this is porridge no? you want porridge and cream on burning bears boganss massaged?
this is like fairy tale no? vhen goldilock vimmen eat porridge then go bear to bed?
we can wear bikinis and do gymnastics for testing to make like real situation. we trust krankiness man not to enjoy final menage viewing as he is loving musk of ron spam (this is meat no?)
for location, we are told balangalow forest in oh-stray-lia iss good.

*also considers not posting above comment due to serious dodginess of fake svedish accent. as all knowledge of swedish accent comes from 70's lesbo porn and the chef from the muppets*

kranki said...

You're not really several svedish vimmen?

I'm devastated.

Still, one of the funniest comments I've received on my blog.

70's lesbo porn you say?

cattermune said...

When I was a tender young lass (still am, but this was jut above age of consent tender), I had a slightly older boyf. He was a curious lad, and being curious, decided to check out his parents bedroom completely when they were on some holiday. It was then that he discovered the stash.
I have no idea how two people who still have never used the internet got this stuff from. But for two rather inexperienced young people, we got some very interesting ideas on the peoples of scandinavia and germany (and the wildlife of those regions).
Incidently, the chef from the muppets has a massive 70's porn star moustache. Coincidence? Me thinks not.
*shifty eyed sidle into bedroom clutching muppets DVD*