Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Be careful what you say to dogs

Today I donated a bunch of our old clothes to a thrift store that says it "goes to benefit AIDS." I am assuming that it's not a pro-aids charity looking to spread the HIV virus. Judging from the number of guys working there who were wearing half-shirts I doubt that's the case.

I also-- Yes two things in one day, it was a wild one. I also rented a steam cleaner to do the carpets in our apartment, which have certainly seen better days. Cheap-arse land lord.

I steam cleaned the entire carpet and intended to do another pass in the morning. When I lugged the cleaner up the stairs, I jokingly spoke to my dogs and said, "Well, boys I've got a steam cleaner, so if ever there was a day to piss or crap in the house, today is the day."

What I did not expect was for, Ass Breath, the little one, to actually take me up on my offer. I walked the dogs several times more than normal today and yet Ass Breath still found time to squeeze in (pun intended) two craps, a wiz and three pukes. I'd just taken the little bastard out for a walk.

Wait, Kranki!! Maybe your dog is sick? No, he's not sick, but thanks for the concern.

A few minutes ago the second round of poop-puke tastics began. Just as I was reading a comment on RYWHM about the size of Jeff Goldblum's erect penis, I heard the sound that tells me Ass Breath is about to commence his ritual weekly puking.

Gurgle, gurgle, wretch! Right on the freshly steamed-cleaned carpet.

This is unusual behavior for my house trained dog. Was it coincidence that he excavated in the house today, or does he understand English? And, if he does understand English, he clearly doesn't understand sarcasm. I'm going to take a few days to teach him how to grasp sarcasm. I'm sure there's a slew of informative books out there on how to do it.

My question is this: "Do I have a right to be mad at him since I did say (in jest) that today was the day to mess in the house."

I cower and beg for the mercy of mighty Mynton, the god of kanine bodily fluids. I then rejoice that the steam cleaner works as well as it does.

Hmmm... This is usually the time that the sleeping aid I use starts to work but it's not happening. I guess it's time to break out the warm milk.

Wow. I'm just gonna go ahead and proclaim this to be the Sexiest Post Ever!

Go grab yourself a tissue, wash cloth, or a shower.


BEVIS said...

Works for me.

kranki said...

What doesn't work for you. Really. Whate are Bevis' turn offs. That would be good blog fodder.

BEVIS said...

Heyyyyyy, ... now that's a good idea!! :)

Thanks, Kranki. I'm not going to answer that question here (no offense) - stay tuned to my blog in the coming days for a full post on the subject.

Good one!

Denyse said...

Came accross you by accident as your blog was attached to a picture of Jesus I wanted to look at. Usually I don't read anything that is of bad taste or language, but I also have dogs - two - small - indoors most of the time. enough said!! I laughed so much it was worth the read.

As we say in South Africa 'Vas Byt" which loosly translated means hold fast or bite fast. Now what happened to the Jesus picture?