Thursday, July 28, 2005

Who's Feeling Safe?

Ron sends me a lot of these stories.

I am starting to think that Ron wants me to buy something and these exciting tales are simply a way to entice me. No, not Ron, he said the offer was just for me.

Krankiboy, following is a story how the Stun Master 775 was used.
At the end of the story, you will find a bonus offer just for you.

Tina loved her job. She just hated her neighborhood. Managing one of the trendiest nightclubs in town, she got to spend her evenings rubbing elbows with rock stars, actors, and many of the city's elite. Her boss converted an old warehouse by the docks into a fantasy world for their guests. It kept costs down, but it also made for a pretty treacherous walk down to the parking lot at 4am. Tina's boss really cared about her, since she kept the place running so smoothly. She refused to let him pay for a car service so he gave her a Stun Master 775. She remembered how he asked her to hold it by the wrist strap when walking down the block, "justin case."One Saturday night, Tina couldn't wait to get home. It felt like she spent the whole night breaking up arguments and kicking drunken guys out of the club. As she marched up the block to her car, two of those guys dropped out of the shadows."Hey, you!" called the tall one. Tina knew from her years of experience not to bother responding."You think you're too good to serve us? You think you're too good to talk to us?" shouted his companion. The tall one slid right in front of Tina, blocking her path. She clutched her car's key fob in one hand while she dug her other hand into her satchel and wrapped it around the strap of her Stun Master."Where do you think you're going?" asked the tall one, while the other man just snickered. He lunged for Tina's left hand, and she pressed the panic button on her car remote. Wailing horns pierce dthe silence of the back alley. As her attacker gripped her left arm, she lunged at him with the Stun Master. Even though he held on to Tina, she couldn't feel any of the 775,000 volts flowing into his body. As he fell, his other hand knocked the Stun Master away from Tina. It snapped free of the wrist strap and landed on top of him as he curled upon the ground. The smaller attacker leaped at his buddy and grabbed the Stun Master."I'll show you!" he cried, as he pounced on Tina. He dug the Stun Master into her abdomen and tried to activate it, not realizing that the wrist strap also serves as a disable pin - once the Stun Master left Tina's hands, it was useless. Tina didn't get her job on looks alone. She kicked her attacker in the shin and clocked him on the jaw as a pair of police officers raced to the scene of the struggle. She made a mental note to thank her boss for the gift - and to ask for a raise.

Yours in safety, Ron

I don't doubt the veracity and accuracy of this chilling encounter but I do have a few comments.

It is amazing that the psychic police showed up as quickly as they did. They were probably rounding up a litter of stray kittens down by the docks.

Do you think Ron just likes writing near rape scenarios and has this "safety business" as an excuse to explore his literary sex fantasies?

How about one story where the female victim does a flying roundhouse kick to the attackers throat? And he explodes!

Personally I still think that drooling, twitching and pushing a baby stroller filled with rotting garbage and feces is still the best deterrent against attackers.


Sponky said...

Wait? So she's going to ask for a raise, but won't accept a car service?

Crazy broad!

kranki said...

I think she gets off on the danger. Perhaps it's the same kind of adreneline rush that you and I get from wrestling alligators.

I'll be cheering you on in the Everglade Semi-Finals! I just got my big Sponky foam fingers made.

Your fan,