Hotel California: The Jellyfish Interview

I don't think I'm being a very good host to my latest guest. I haven't forced her to do anything that would make her uncomfortable, I haven't forced her to take drugs (nothing potent at least) and she has no scars to look back on to help her remember the fond memories. I haven't even hooked her up with boys to make the naked sweaty sweaty with. At least tomorrow I an going to give her a taste of Hollywood TV magic when we visit That 70's Show. Asthon Kutcher has promised that he will find the elusive Jelly G spot.

And now an interview with my guest that Jelly promises will not be funny.

Me: Jelly, what is the worst thing that happend to you that involved vomit?

Jelly: So much of my childhood involved vomit, as I was constantly car sick. Although the worst incident was the day the 8 month old African Aids baby projectile vomitted down my cleavage.

Me: Pretty standard stuff.

Jelly: Can you make up my answers and make them funny?

Me: No.

Jelly: Ass... Arse. Jerk. I can swear in many languages and accents.

Me: Suck my klootzak and answer the goddamn questions. I am a journalist, don't make me hit you.

Jelly: Yes, sir.

Me: Being away from home what do you find yourself missing and please try and make your answer dirty or inappropriate as my readers are perverts and convicts.

Jelly: I'm not good at improv. *nervous giggles that go on for far too long and actually begin to try my patience* *muffled laughter* I've had too much to drink, I can't do this. What should I say? Okay, alright... *sigh* Um... inappropriate. What did you say hang on, hang on. *Thinks* Dirty inappropriate. *more of the giggles* I miss the chance of randomly pashing a Melbourne blogger. No, don't write that because those very few Melbourne bloggers who I haven't slept with will be offended.

Me: As a percentage... what percent of Melbourne bloggers give you a Ms. Fits style- "wide-on?"

Jelly: *Squirms* I think I should reserve the right not to answer that question.

Me: How do you think the interview is going so far?

Jelly: I was thinking of turning on the TV and watching the end of Dirty Dancing, or Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Or maybe an episode of Full House.

Me: Before Stephanie got braces? That's hot. Let me get a cool cloth.

Jelly: Kranki. Your dogs molest me.

Me: Let me ask a question first before you start "sharing." Look at what you're weaing for God's sake, you were asking for it.

Jelly: It's true.

Me: Any interesting incidents in LA that you'd like to share?

Jelly: I'd mention the guy who hit on me that looked like a Malamute, but I wouldn't want him to read your blog and find out. It's also hard to go past watching the epic display of brute strength as you broke the security tag off the Grumpy hat at Disneyland. You thwarted those fascists.

Me: What was your secret to getting strange men to loudly proposition you on the streets of Melrose Avenue?

Jelly: Looking like a 14 year old with big tits probably helps, but don't put that, people will think I'm up myself.

Me: I don't know that phrase. Maybe I should just ask yes and no questions.

Jelly: Yes.

Me: Are you planning to take some of our brown babies back to Australia with you to add to your collection?

Jelly: Yes.

Me: Is it true that the Tinkerbell hairbrush I stole for you was the first you have owned in 2 years?

Jelly: Yes.

Me: Enough with the yes and no questions, ok?

Jelly: Yes.

Me: What sort of questions make you embarrassed and uncomfortable in say... an interview scenario for instance?

Jelly: I am not comfortable talking about boys and sex with people who just read my blog.

Me: Can I make up the next three answers for you?

Jelly: Absolutely, please do.

Me: Why did you begin blogging?

Jelly: To get into the pants of hot chicks.

Me: Do you think you are going to share more of your obsession with Sado-Masochism and bondage as your blog progresses?

Jelly: I think anybody who truly knows me knows that I feel that pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin.

Me: Can we scan a pair of your underpants and put it onto this post?

Jelly: Sure, but not these. Doing this interview has gotten this pair all sticky.

Me: Are there any misconceptions about America or California that have been dispelled for you since you've been here?

Jelly: I think that people should know that Americans are much nicer when you meet them here. Like, Americans in America are a lot less offensive than say, Americans on holiday in Germany, wearing ugly leisure suits and complainingly loudly about the food/weather/lack of ranch dressing. Everyone is really quite friendly here.

Me: Oh, like the guy who accosted you on the street and nearly chased you into the sex shop?

Jelly: Yeah, like him. Nice guy.

Me: Yeah, well have a memorable time in N.Y.C. Remember people on the street consider it rude if you don't hug them.

Jelly: Can you put in a bit where you tell people that I din't really run off with swarthy men in masks, becuase some of your friends really believed that?

Me: Liar.

Jelly: Uuuhhhh... Kranki!!

Me: Fine, I made that all up. There were no jumpsuits. Lastly, can I ask you about that loud, gutteral, pirate-like grunt you make when you wake from a deep sleep that happens like seven times a night?

Jelly: My God! Ass Breath just humped my leg. He blatantly did it while you weren't looking.

Me: I think you're lying, but that answers my question.