Monday, November 01, 2004

How to Handle a Bush Re-election

I know it would be horrible. But it could happen. He became president last time without even getting the majority of votes and the Wheels of the Greasy Republican Machine continue to run overtime as the religious zealots jump in to help lend their support to make sure that same sex marriage is banned. I picture the Orc army scene from Lord of the Rings where they relentlessly rip down all the trees to stoke their fires and forge their cruel weapons. It seems that the religious fanatics feel that fucking around with the Constitution and preserving the "Sanctity of Marriage" is much more vital than the environment, the economy, foreign policy, honest leadership, accountability, and having a leader with the ability to form complete sentences composed of actual words. Let's hope it doesn't go to the courts to decided this one. We know who owns those folks. I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with Porge Tush. Three or more Supreme Court justices will be nominated by whoever "wins" the election.

It's Ketchup vs. Oil and I know which one I want on my all american burger.

So I have decided to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Boyscout style.

IF Bush gets a second term as President to see what else he can crash our country into.

Bush said it himself "People misunderestimate me." Well I shant.

IF BUSH WINS THIS IS MY REACTION PLAN: And I pray to the Dancin' Baby Jesus with all my heathen heart that we don't have to use it.

Step 1) Sit in stunned silence for about seven minutes trying to process the senseless and horrific event that has just taken place.

Step 2) Curse the Midwestern Voters for being ignorant, intolerant, incestuous bastards. This isn't entirely true but you have to blame somebody.

Step 3) Refuse to pay any taxes until Bush is ousted, impeached or publicly spanked at the U.N.. There's a 65% chance your money is either going towards the war in Iraq or to one of them fancy wagon wheel tables for Airforce 1.

Step 4) When step 3 fails because too few Americans have the balls to stand up against the Man, immediately buy as much stock in Defense Contractors and Weapons Manufactures as you can. Spend all your money on cigarettes. You'll need the smokes to use as currency when Armageddon rolls over us like an unstoppable black Tsunami and you must bribe you way into the underworld sanctuary.

Step 5) If you are of Draft age (which lately seems like anywhere from 18 to 59 years-old) burn off your fingerprints with acid and then fake your own death. Something original like a blimping accident.

Step 6) Learn to live off the land. I hear Montana is beautiful.

Step 7) Join your local millitia so you know how to fight when the North Koreans and the Chinese attack us.

Step 8) Become comfortable using the phrases "Nuclear weapons, Schmuclear weapons." and "God is on our side 'cause we're Americans, right?!"

Step 9) Stop Drop and Roll.

Step 10) If step 9 somehow fails to remedy the situation, you have only three options.

1)The hard way:
Try and lead a rag tag band of rebel forces against the Empire (hint) befriend the Ewoks so they'll help you to combat the Storm Troopers.

2)The quick and tasty way:
Enjoy a hot fudge cyanide sundae or a poisoned dessert of your choice.

3) The easy way:
Get that Lobotomy you've been saving up for. "Look at all those pretty clouds. Say, that one looks just like a mushroom... Cool."


Sherriff said...

The end is so nigh. Fare thee well in the Land of the Lame my friend.

kranki said...

Oh, I'm going to blow up some churches tomorrow. Look for me on the news. Now I have somebody I can teach my children to hate. Lovely.

Sherriff said...

Oh shit! Now it's close again! AAAAAAAAAA!!!

kranki said...

I feel like the South is still pissed about the Civil War losss. Or as they call it "The War of Northern Agression."

If by "close" you mean that our country has been bent over a fence and ass-raped with a rusty tractor, then yes "it's close."

Miss Know It All said...

Correction on Step 8:
It's "Nukular Weapons, Schmukular Weapons." At least learn our national language, Kranki. Geez. You might get prorlifilated if you don't.