Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Just a Splash Please

Please Note: This post is not going to appeal to everybody. If you are the type of person who is easily offended then you have no business reading anything I write. Oh, and you're also an uptight, scabby, blood-farting asshole.

Okay... You know how waiters at nice restaurants sometimes offer to grind fresh pepper right onto your salad or other food? I love that, very cool. Sometimes at Italian restaurants they will offer to sprinkle Parmesan cheese or fine olive oil on your food for you. It really does add something special to the dining experience for me. Well I realize this is still just a "quirky" soon to be released cook book, but I'm a visionary and I'm predicting big things for these renegade chefs...

However, I've got this disturbing image of myself, my wife and some friends out at an upscale restaurant. We've just begun our wonderful meals when our gracious waiter approaches our table with his fly unzipped, his man meat whipped out, cock in hand and he offers to splooge onto our salads or give us something yummy to dip our rolls into.

Waiter dude: "Miss, would you like me to blow a load of fresh semen on that Ahi Tuna salad for you?"

Miss: "Yes, but just a little drizzle, please."

Waiter: Certainly... (jacks himself up, makes his mangasm face and gives the customer just what she wants) Uuuuuhhhhhnnnhh... There you are, enjoy your meal.

I think I will have to do one of two things to forever cleanse and purge this horribleness out of my system. Here are my options.

1) Never again go to a restaurant where they offer to add cheese or seasonings or "flavored olive oil" of any kind to your meal.

2) When the guy with the pepper grinder offers me some I'll casually say. "Pepper, yes. That would be lovely, thanks. Also would you mind jerking off your man tool sauce onto my vegetables to give them a splash of zesty semen?"

It will be as big a hit as Hooters. I can just see a chain of Man Sauce Restaurants opening up in Amsterdam, San Francisco, Miami, Berlin, Paris... I predict it will be the Planet Hollywood of the next decade. A huge outpouring that spreads out, but is ultimately a bust. Get in now before their stock surges, explodes and then goes limp.

The possibilities for cum smoothies and power shakes at the gyms seem like a perfect match. "I'll have the Mango Manjuice Madness. Could you have Byron make it? I really like the way he tastes. Soo, tangy."


Sherriff said...

What about if there are say, eight people dining? That poor waiter gonna have some work to do...

Otherwise everyone will just have to hold their plates up and hope to catch a "drizzle" as his ropey wad shoots by.

Either way, food for thought.

kranki said...

You bring up a very valid point. There would need to be quite a large wait staff on hand. You are a pragmatist. "Ropey wad." Titter.

Where are these mags you're gonna send me hommie?

Bryan said...

For salads that go with Chinese food, you could have the Cream of sumyanguy.

tealou said...


Oh my god.

I will never look at Caesar salad dressing the same EVER again.

sergeant fun said...

scabby, blood-farting asshole is the best name-calling i've heard in a long, long time. hooray!