Tuesday, November 30, 2004

If I Had an Island...

Once again, I am truly sorry that I did not win my own private island. I feel like I've let so many of you wayward nouveau-hippies down. I hope you'll forgive me for not being able to create a Utopian society based on the tenents of bliss, harmony, bigamy, boogie and tranquility. Kranki-Island seemed like the perfect opportunity to escape from Bushville USA. You would have all been welcome and invited to move there or visit. There would be no organized religion and I would have ruled like the land like the beloved, benevolent and just a teeny bit eccentric leader I am. How would I do things differently with my own sovereign land? I'm so glad you asked.

Check out just some of the ideas I was tossing around.

Special dress code for hot window washers. Hourly washing of windows would be the law.

Happy Nature! Cute baby animals would be an everyday sight.

This would be our Mascot so if "the Aliens" ever come to take over the planet they'd like us and leave us alone.

This would not be permitted.

Seriously, every day you'd look out your window and say "Awwwww, look at the wittle foxy woxies."

Comfort would be king! Pajamas* would be the preferred formal wear. Skirts and sarongs for men.

*Wear whatever you want. I'd have a bathrobe that was soft enough to be worthy of a dictator.

If we did have money, I wouldn't be an egotistical dick and put my my own image on it.

It would be all about the music. Dig those massive tunes!

Not permitted.

Lots of these, free of charge.

Our National Flower. Relaxing coi ponds would be all over the place.
Zen my friends, Zen.

The Island's public transportation system.

You all have one of these to compliment your phat Ewok-style treehouse.

I'll be here in my office if you need to reach me. You can't call because there will be no phones on the island. They make noise.

If you ever had any concerns or suggestions that seemed like they might bore me I would direct you to this gal. Our Vice President. Not only the first female Vice Prez, but also the first crustacean.

I'd appoint the Secretary of Chilling Out in the Sun.


The only hangovers would be of the Sweet Love variety and there would be a strictly enforced 16 hour maximum work week.

Should I grow a mustache? All the famous dictators have had them.


ms fits said...

Is that jizz floating around your bubble bath, Kranki??

la nadine said...

can i bring the carb army along kranki? we're looking for a place to train and prepare for the anti-atkins revolution. and every sovereign nation needs an army.

the urban fox said...

For crying out loud Kranks, get out there and find some more scratchcards!

sergeant fun said...

i can't wait to go!

Sponky said...

I would like to apply for permanent residency thank you.

kranki said...

Yes, I'm relaxing in a warm hot tub filled with bubbling jizz. Are you looking to be exiled you cundy slurper!

Pricey said...

Love it Kranki. You've inspired me to do my own "If I had an island". Keep up the good work. When are you bringing out a limited edition gang raper?

tealou said...

Anti-Atkins revolution?

You'd be excluding some fine people there... including myself.

(Krank, you're a smart little shit ;))

kranki said...

The Anit-Atkins Army of Sexy Island Ninjas is there to ensure that the citizens are safe from propaganda and attacking armies.

Are you honestly telling me that you do not eat ANY carbs?

Isn't that choosing heart disease and lower energy over pasta and cereal and a few extra happy pounds? I'm just asking here, I'm doing my darndest to get the Atkins dealio. I am personally on the Fatkins Diet.

la nadine said...

and may i ask which "fine people" our sexy island ninja carb army is excluding?

quite honestly i'm a bit worried about the answer.

Hippo said...

This post is just too phunny! However, I do have concerns regarding the lack of Hippo's on the island. Would your Island be all-inclusive regarding ALL wildlife, even hippos. Would you make accomodations for me and my Bretheren should something be not just right?

Keep up the good work.

Dr. H.O. Potamus