Photo-Auto-Biography (Chapter 1)

CHAPTER ONE
Where Did I Come From?



Hi, I'm Krankiboy and I am wearing my cyberspace suit. I invite you to suit up and join me on a pictorial journey through the bizarre events that I refer to as my life. This is all true. Strange, baffling, narcissistic and meandering, but all true.


I grew up like most kids. Except I didn't have a father or an octopus sibling. Not everyone is so lucky to have those things in their life.



This is me. I was born in San Francisco, California. Now I live in Los Angeles and I own a car. Cars can go much faster than tricycles. I wish there were no such things as cars. I wish we'd all kept our bikes and big wheels.


My mom was a hippie chick and made me wear red jelly sandals. At Easter time, while all the other kids got milk chocolates and fantastic candy, my mom tried to get me to eat a carob Easter Bunny. I don't think that's directly related to my cranky nature, but I don't see how either could have helped. I am really just happy that I wasn't born a girl. Why? Because being a girl is much more complicated than being a boy. You have so much more maintence on a wa-wa than on an wee-wee. There is an entire medical field devoted to the mysterious and complicated vagina. As a woman there are so many products you need to buy and know how to use. Some have wings and strings and tabs and applicators, and it's all too much to remember. I couldn't do it. Plus where men have soap to wash themselves. Women have astringents, and cosmetic remover and facial wash and moisturizer and pre-moisturizer. It's insane. When I go with my wife to the drug store I'l get maybe tooth paste and deodorant and she needs to go get a cart and fill it with 145 dollars worth of toiletries. It's inhumanely expensive to be a female. And of course there's too much pressure put on women to meet the warped standards of our society so they will be considered pretty and therefore worth talking to. It's horribly unfair. God forbid you're born a girl and you're not a symmetrically beautiful perfect physical specimen. Because if you aren't then there is clearly something wrong with you. And if you are attractive then everybody just assumes that you must be an air head. There's no way to win because before they've even met you people have pretty much already decided what they think about you. There are plenty of fat successful men, and plenty more ugly and successful men. So if you're an overweight, not terribly attractive yet successful woman then I greatly admire you. You're a rarity. We should all have tremendous respect for any and all obese, unattractive women because they have had to overcome so much of society's scrutiny to get where they are in life. So the next time you see a physically unappealing, heavyset woman who still has a positive attitude towards life, give her a hug, god damnit she's earned it. And, no, your grandmother doesn't count. But how did I get on such a rambly tangent about the struggle of women? All I intended to say was that I'm glad I was born a male. If I was a girl my parents (before dad split) were going to name me Fern. Imagine if I'd been born ugly, female and named Fern. You might as well just tossed me off a cliff like some innocent, Chinese baby girl. I never would have become the mildly-well adjusted person I am today if I had to start life with that much baggage. "Say, have you met my not-attractive female friend named Fern?" "No. Nor do I want to." I suppose I should just be grateful I wasn't the little boy that got saddled with the name Fern. It makes that Johnny Cash song about A Boy Named Sue look pretty sweet by comparison. Hmmm. It seems I've gotten way off track with my photo-auto-biography. I'll just add that I'm sure I'll end up having a girl and giving her a boy name. I will also strongly encourage my daughter to become a lesbian. I can't even imagine some sleazy guy (or any guy for that matter) putting his hands on my little girl. I don't even have a kid yet and I already feel that way. Maybe they'll have a pill I can take by then, they have one for everything else.

To Be Continued...