All Apologies

I have been inspired to clear my conscious and apologize for some things I've done which I am not proud of.

To the kid in nursery school who I hit with a chair.
I was a really angry 4 year-old with abandonment issues and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just because you rolled a roller skate at my leg that was no justification to smite you with a metal chair and crack open your head which required many skull staples and two dozen stitches. Sorry if it made you permanently stupid for the rest of your life. But it's not always a blessing to be smart, you tend to be overly introspective. Still, sorry.

To the salamanders I dropped on that cactus.
This is probably the thing in life that I am most sorry for. It still makes me sad when I think how awful and painful a death it must have been for you cute harmless creatures. I wish I could make it right, perhaps I can find your descendants and treat them well. I also apologize on the off chance that the spiky cactus harbors feelings of guilt for being used as a murder weapon.

To my grandmother for spitting on you when you didn't let me toss the money into the toll basket.
All I can say is that you always let me toss the coins into the basket and you simply forgot. I think spitting on you was a horrible overreaction. You are a wonderful person and I love you dearly. If you want I will fly down to Florida and let you spit on me. I know it'd make me feel a bit better.

To the fruit bat who I found on the sidewalk and couldn't nurse back to health.
I found you because some moron lady saw you on the street and kicked you. By then I think your injuries were beyond my medical expertise and putting you on a soft papertowel on the hedges with a half of a grape to eat seemed like the only thing I could do.

To the possum that I had animal control cage and capture.
I know that you had lived under the house longer than I had lived in the house and you did your nocturnal thing and I did my day time thing, but you were over 13 pounds. I know you were just doing your thing in a world that mankind is constantly encroaching upon but you really scared the shit out of me when I went into the backyard and you hissed at me instead of just playing dead. I think we could have learned to coexist. Also I was afraid you might be rabid.

To Melissa Taxin for not appreciating your kissing ability.
Melissa, you were a brilliant and talented flutist studying at Julliard and I was just an ignorant High School sophomore. When you gave me soft gentle kisses on my lips and tongue I thought it was weird. I wish I had appreciated your raw kissing talent and future sexual potential at the time. I'm sorry I just stopped returning your phone calls. I hope you found somebody who appreciated your magical tongue dexterity. I liked holding you hand while we watched Fried Green Tomatoes on our first date.

To the Japanese family who's camera I found at the movie theatre.
I don't know why I took the camera. I donated it to charity after I developed the film. On the plus side you looked like you had a great time at Universal Studios and Planet Hollywood.

To my grandmother and grandfather.
I am sorry that I painted a large red elephant on the side of our house.
It was a big blank patch of white space that just seemed to be missing something.

To the person whose house I illegally entered today.
I didn't mean to enter your apartment. I was supposed to dog sit the neighbor's fox terrier and he said he left a key for me. I thought they lived on the 2nd floor and when I found your key under the potted plant I opened the door and walked in. I'm glad you weren't at home. You have a nice place. If I decide to hang out there when you're not around, I'll be sure I clean up before I go.

To Lady R.
I'm sorry I threw that large dead sand crab into your mouth at the beach that day. Thanks for not getting mad at me.


This apology is from the Apologist

Posted: Sat Jul 17, 2004 4:35 pm Post subject: A message to his old teachers from my son

My 10 year old son has asked me (his mum) to post this, and I have added a few apologies of my own where I thought it necessary. He would like to apologize for having ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome. He'd like to say that he's sorry that his symptoms weren't given the name of AS until year 6 (when he was 10), even though he was in daily contact with professionals and regular contact with mental health teams. He's sorry that one of his teachers (year 2) couldn't cope with his behaviour and tied him to his chair with his school jumper and stuck his mouth closed with parcel tape to make him stop talking. He's sorry that he told me when she'd made him promise that he wouldn't ever tell. He's sorry he didn't believe her when she said that if he told, no one would believe him and he'd end up having to live in a childrens' home. He's sorry the headmaster covered up for the teacher, and that the Police, Social Services and Education Department decided to drop the investigation because five year olds don't make very credible witnesses. I'm sorry that no other parent would go on record to say that their child had confirmed the events, even though 8 children did report this to their parents, and 8 sets of parents confirmed these events, their parents wanted to protect their children from having to go through whatever was necessary to ensure the teacher would never do it again. He's sorry that the headmaster once told us that he'd written our son off as a thick kid, and only realised his error when my son, having been made to stand in the head's office for being unable to control himself, showed the head how to change fonts on a document he was creating. My son's sorry that he has an IQ of 127, but cannot write his name. He's sorry that at 10 years and 3 months he had a reading age of 16 years. My son is sorry that the staff at his primary school didn't understand him, and didn't know how to deal with someone with these conditions. He's also sorry that they didn't really care that they felt this way. My son is sorry that being at that primary school caused me (his mum) so many sleepless nights, worrying about whether to report the problems he was having to the authorities, and whether doing that would mean that the report would be ignored again. My son is sorry that he doesn't have the self control required not to eat the 3 or 4 lunches per day that one of the welfare assistants is offering. He is sorry that he has now become a 30inch waist having risen from a 22inch waist since this time last year. He is sorry that most of the other boys in his class have similarly gained weight when it is such a prevalent media topic. My son is sorry that he allowed himself to be kicked in the face and head (amongst other things) by several bullies all through his school life, and that he didn't fight back adequately so that they wouldn't do it again. My son is sorry that Steven put a shoe-print shaped bruise on his forehead and Steven's parents either weren't informed or didn't care enough to apologise for their son's behaviour. My son's sorry that the school didn't know how to implement an effective bullying policy to ensure that they kept him safe whilst they were in loco parentis. I'm sorry that my son wasn't allowed to go on a school trip to a local football club because another kid (B) had beaten the crap out of my son on the Friday before the trip was on the Monday. I'm sorry that my son decided to retaliate and caused pain in the trouser region to the child that assaulted him. This incident, gave my son his 3rd "black mark" meaning that he couldn't go on the trip. My son is sorry that his mental disorder means that he cannot comprehend delayed negative reinforcement punishments (if you don't give him the punishment there and then, he doesn't understand what it's about) and didn't understand that not being able to fit in with what's considered socially acceptable meant that he would be excluded from the school trip. My son is sorry that the headmaster doesn't understand how he makes children feel when he allows boys on the football team to behave in any way they like, without punishment, and generally ignores how these boys bully and mistreat other kids. My son is sorry that the headmaster is probably responsible for the attitude that some Soccer Hooligans have, having never been shown that their behaviour is unacceptable, because the headmaster is so very "into" football. I'm sorry that I couldn't convince the deputy head that to refuse to allow my son to go on the trip was illegal and immoral, especially since the assault more than likely took place when the legal minimum level of lunchtime supervision was in place. I'm sorry that I had to send my son to school every day rather than home tutor him, but I have to work to put food on the table, and clothes on our backs. My son would like to thank all the parents who didn't invite him to their children's birthday parties because they don't invite the naughty kid - it meant that my son wouldn't have to feel awkward in a social situation, and it meant that my son didn't build a close circle of friends until late on in primary school when 3 families allowed their sons to play with my son. My son is also sorry that he can't behave in a socially acceptable way without mind altering medication, and because of this he and I were asked, several years ago, not to come to church again. I'd like to apologise in advance, just in case my son turns out to be one of those teenagers who stand at the top of the clock tower and pick people off with a rifle, one at a time.