Hard Facts About a Sticky Subject

The thing I most admire about Western religion is that it doesn't set forth a rigid system of arbitrary rules that one is to mindlessly follow simply because some long dead white guy decided that people were stupid sheep who needed every facet of their lives organized for them. Religion is intended to help guide you so that you don't stray off the path of the righteous by a single inch and boil in the bowels of Hell for all eternity.

My religious group is simply here to help you help yourself. Our group is dedicated to empowering you to Control Undesirable Masturbation. Free yourself from the endless self-abuse cycle. Let the tender fingers of God's sweet angels reach out and touch you with their soft embrace so that you too will be able to C.U.M.*

* Control Undesirable Masturbation

I'm certain that you will find this information as valuable as I do.

Here are some of the hard facts that Kleenex doesn't want you to hear.

A Guide to Self-Control

1) Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

2) If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

3) When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

4) When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

5) If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

6) Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

7) Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

8) Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever -- not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind!
Well. I certainly know I'm going to heed the words above. Can you imagine what would happen if everybody went around "touching themselves" whenever they felt like it. How would man erect great structures or come upon the meaning of Jesus if our members took matters into their own hands and engaged in such distractions. Thank you for heading the word of God. I'm going to go run the tub and personally focus on the many ways that I can show God pleasure. Nothing like a nice invigorating bubble bath to purify the soul. Remember idle hands are the tools of the Devil.

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This wise man has the answers in the palm of his hand. Feel free to email him and let his wisdom flow upon you like a mighty stream.

Questions? Comments? Email to Lambert Dolphin (lambert@ldolphin.org)