Optimists Are Annoying.

The classic glass of water scenario. Are you a person who sees the glass as half full or half empty? Or perhaps you're like me and can see the micro-bacteria and the tiny dead mosquito floating on its surface.

The Secret Society of Happy People, 6,000 members strong, see the glass as wonderfully FULL. I question how these people are considered a Secret Society when they like to wear pins and have recognized holidays in 19 U.S. states and give interviews to Newsweek. They boast worldwide membership. What exactly are the members in Zimbabwe, India and Iraq happy about?

I detest people who tell me to "turn that frown upside down." I generally don't trust happy people. In my experience they're usually happy because they:

(1) Found Jesus and really, really want you to find him, too. Holy shit! Really you found Jesus Christ? Show him to me. If he walks on water and can turn water to wine, oregano into marijuana and Sprite into Coke I am with you. How come nobody ever finds Buddha? Or Elvis? Or Andy Kaufman? Or Amelia Earhart?

(2) Have been surgically labotomized. They've got that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-permanent smile and far-away stare. Plus a nasty scar on their head where a small part of their brain was removed.

(3) Just ate some awesome Schrooms that have just kicked in and "the colors are sooo pretty, sooo alive. Look at this orange flower it's sooo totally... orange. The flower says his name is Ernie and Ernie wants to tell you a secret." *

(4) They are preparing to receive orders from the Mother Ship and as luck would have it, they have room for just one more.

But maybe, just maybe, they're right and I'm wrong. Perhaps my standards are too high. I should be happy to have food, water, and shelter and hot sex. I'm going to see if I can apply for membership, why not.

"Hi, my name is Krankiboy and I'd like to join your Secret Society for Happy People." I hope the dues are low and the secret handshake isn't too complicated.

Pamela Gail Johnson founded the society in 1998. Probably right when her Tech stock split and the NASDAQ was making everybody rich. Or maybe when she dumped her Enron shares and cashed out. Just a theory.

What's sad about these "Happy People" is that in this time of war and turmoil they have officially lowered their standards for happiness. "The job is no longer to admit that you're happy," Pamela says. "But to recognize that happiness still happens." Hey, Pam, look at those two dogs going at it in the alley next to that old homeless guy. They sure do seem happy. You're right, the world and everybody on it are all sweetie muffins. Let's hug.

Since you're no doubt very eager to celebrate the holiday... Too bad, National Happiness Day was August 8th, so you missed it. Go back to you thankless, crappy job.

Society Members celebrated this day by "wearing silver sunglasses and passing out candy wrapped in silver foil - 'cause every cloud has a silver lining."

* For the record, only reason # 3) is acceptable to me. And no, I'm sorry, I can't share what the orange flower whispered to me that day, I promised Ernie I wouldn't tell.

I nabbed some quotes from Newsweek August 9, 2004

If you'd like to learn more about morons click the link below to visit their official site.

The Secret Society of Happy People

They had the nerve to list the HAPPIEST EVENTS OF 2000 as

# 2. Harry Potter motivated both kids and adults to read.

# 1. Americans learned that sometimes your vote really does count.

Are you fucking kidding me?! You see, Happy Sweetie Pam works at a Fortune 500 company in Dallass, Texass.

Secret Society of Happy People

I sent the following email to them.

Dear Secret Society of Happy People:

My nomination for happiest event of 2004 is when:

We get a NEW president who speaks fluent English, doesn't lie to the people, invade countries senselessly killing innocents and American soldiers, damage international relations, our environment, and the economy.

But Pam is from Dallas, so this isn't likely to be nominated as something that makes her Happy List is it? I say let the people vote on it.

What do you say about that, Webmaster?

And remind Pam that in 2000, thousands of Florida votes weren't counted.

Have a Hap Happy Day! :)

Krankiboy