He's Faster Than Any Olympian!

With the Olympics rolling around again, I'm getting excited. My nipples could easily cut glass right now. In fact I haven't been this excited since fourth grade when we did book reports and dressed up as any historical figure. While the other kids had scratchy Abe Lincoln beards, ill-fitting hats and fancy costumes. I just slapped on some sweat pants and a tank top and did my report on U.S. Decathlete Bruce Jenner. I even had his bowl haircut.

As far as I'm concerned, from an entertainment standpoint, the Summer Olympics kicks the Winter Olympics' ass, knee slams it in the groin and takes its wallet while it writhes around on the ground in pain. I don't want to watch figure skating- except when they fall and the crowd gasps in unison and the skater finishes their routine in tears, that's good TV. Watching four German dudes in full body spandex lying on top of one another on a bobsled just doesn't do that much for me. And as far as the two man luge... I don't think I even have to go there. Speed skating? Those women could crack open coconuts with those mutant thighs. There are muscles on their asses that simply weren't meant to exist. Other than the ski jumping, the shoot-then-ski biathalon thingie, and some of the hockey, the Winter Olympics basically sucks. But the Summer games has diving, swimming, javelin, wrestling, boxing, pole vaulting, high jumps, the triple jump, long jump, basketball, the decathlon, the marathon, judo and those death defying athletes who proudly call themselves table tennis players. But far and away I have always enjoy the track events most. I love watching the 100 yard dash. I don't know what it is about seeing these guys running full out. There is just something inherently cool about being "the fastest man alive." (I think they let women compete in track events too, but I'm not totally sure) These guys run 100 meters that's 274.32 feet for you idiots (like me) who don't know the metric system. I measured it exactly and that's a long way. Almost a football field. And they do it in less than 10 seconds. So, I yesterday some friends and I decided to test our athleticism. I ran it in 14.08 seconds. Yeah, I know. The Olympic runners could just about stop and drink down a thick milkshake and still beat my time. Not great, but, whatever I'm not going to make any excuses for my so-so time. Although, I could mention that I'm not in shape and I was wearing crappy sneakers and army pants and the sun was in my eyes and I ran against the wind which probably slowed me down a lot. But I don't make excuses. Anyway, as I said, the very best Olympic runners can cover the distance in under 10 seconds! You go try it, I'll wait here. The world record is 9.78 seconds. My distance measurements were accurate and the timekeeping was precise. So you have to just take my word and believe me when I say that one of my best friends, who has a nerve disorder in his back leg that makes it twitch, covered the 100 meters in 9.52 seconds. That's a very unofficial but very impressive WORLD fucking RECORD! I'm having a party so that when we watch the track events on TV we can unofficially award my buddy the appropriate medal. Maybe we'll even build a little podium than he can stand on. I am so proud of little Freckle Dick today, I can't even convey it in words. If the Olympians can't break my dog's record, and it's not likely that they ever will, I'm going to walk into the nearest sports bar and yell in my loudest Will Ferrel voice. "My dog is faster than any man alive!" If I'm not thrown out immediately I will then hoist the thirty pound champion high into the air and drink a shot of Gold Schlager for my gold medal winner.*

*Yes, the time is unlikely to be officially recognized and Freckle Dick isn't a human he's a dog, but I'm still proud of him."

The previous post has a picture of the dog who shattered the Olympic World Record for the Men's 100 Meter Dash.

Freckle Dick used to be faster when he was 2 years old, but now he's 4 years and 7 months old. He also has a brother who didn't set any world records yesterday. But out of the entire field of competitors he would have taken home a silver.

Freckle Dick's Proud Owner and Bronze medalist (if yesterday had actually been the Olympics and not two guys with two dogs violating leash laws and annoying people at the park)

krankiboy