If I Had an Island...

Once again, I am truly sorry that I did not win my own private island. I feel like I've let so many of you wayward nouveau-hippies down. I hope you'll forgive me for not being able to create a Utopian society based on the tenents of bliss, harmony, bigamy, boogie and tranquility. Kranki-Island seemed like the perfect opportunity to escape from Bushville USA. You would have all been welcome and invited to move there or visit. There would be no organized religion and I would have ruled like the land like the beloved, benevolent and just a teeny bit eccentric leader I am. How would I do things differently with my own sovereign land? I'm so glad you asked.

Check out just some of the ideas I was tossing around.


Special dress code for hot window washers. Hourly washing of windows would be the law.



Happy Nature! Cute baby animals would be an everyday sight.



This would be our Mascot so if "the Aliens" ever come to take over the planet they'd like us and leave us alone.




This would not be permitted.




Seriously, every day you'd look out your window and say "Awwwww, look at the wittle foxy woxies."



Comfort would be king! Pajamas* would be the preferred formal wear. Skirts and sarongs for men.

*Wear whatever you want. I'd have a bathrobe that was soft enough to be worthy of a dictator.


If we did have money, I wouldn't be an egotistical dick and put my my own image on it.




It would be all about the music. Dig those massive tunes!




Not permitted.



Lots of these, free of charge.



Our National Flower. Relaxing coi ponds would be all over the place.
Zen my friends, Zen.



The Island's public transportation system.



You all have one of these to compliment your phat Ewok-style treehouse.



I'll be here in my office if you need to reach me. You can't call because there will be no phones on the island. They make noise.


If you ever had any concerns or suggestions that seemed like they might bore me I would direct you to this gal. Our Vice President. Not only the first female Vice Prez, but also the first crustacean.



I'd appoint the Secretary of Chilling Out in the Sun.

Also:

The only hangovers would be of the Sweet Love variety and there would be a strictly enforced 16 hour maximum work week.

Should I grow a mustache? All the famous dictators have had them.

If I Had an Island... Part Deux

Just thinking practically for a minute here. Our Island Nation would absolutely need a Mistress of Education. You know, for the kids. Let's teach life skills they'll actually use outside the classroom. Do we want to learn trigonometry or how to achieve machine gun-like bursting multiple orgasms?
______________________________




Coach would help you stay fit and healthy. He'd also play Santa every Christmas. Yeah, we'd still celebrate Christmas. Why? Because I like getting presents for people? It's the season of giving. Don't like Christmas? Well, fuck you and the Sweet Baby Jesus both! It wouldn't be a religious holiday. Who's hypothetical island are we talking about here?
______________________



I'm thinking of this for our flag. Perhaps with a Tropical Island Background.
___________



"I allow you to introduce yourselfs ta me. I am so damn happy I want to sing 'cause I'd be appointed da Secretary General of Bling Bling!" I imagine we'd have a lot of bake sales.
____________________



The Secretary of Defense (far left) and the Ambassador to Jamaica (middle) and the Chancellor of Herbal Tea (right)
________________


Even you your pets will be fit and healthy. "Come on gimme fifty push-ups you little pussy!



And....





Our Spiritual Advisor
______________

Do you have a suggestion for other details that would make the Island a more enjoyable place to live?

Send them to krankiboy@yahoo.com

Um....

Isn't it refreshing to see somebody who uses and appreciates all of the orifices on their body?

Go ahead, take a picture of your belly button and send it to me. If you send it, I'll post it and we'll see if you can match the person to the belly button. Don't question my genius!

Just go get your damn camera. Yes, now.

Send all pictures and submissions of any kind to krankiboy@yahoo.com

MY OWN ISLAND

So, I saw this and I got all excited. If Bush and the Religious Right can have America, shouldn't I be the one to win my own Private Island. I would have be a wonderful and benevolent dictator of Krankiland. You would all have been able to come and stay for free we'd have our own little voice in the United Nations and we would have instituted a no organized religion policy. I was a thing of beauty but my dreams have been shattered. The scratch-off did not go my way. I'm sorry if I let any of you down.

Making the Rainbow Connection

The Rainbow Connection

Muppet Magic I have developed a theory that you can classify all of your friends according to what Muppet they are. Try it for yourself.



Last night I enjoyed the hell out of both The Muppet Movie and the magic brownies we ate while watching it. Like most great movies it all starts in a swamp with a frog, a banjo and a dream. Who can forget that mean old Doc Hopper. Animal growing giant-sized! That moment was like a long deep puff of kiddie crack for me. It's all good, it was like finding my happy place if only for a few hours. Except that I think I hate Mel Brooks humor. I can't help it. I want to be pro-Mel, but I just can't.

Who are your favorite Muppets and your least favorite Muppets?
My favorites are:
Gonzo
Rowlf
Professor Bunsen Honeydew & Beaker
Kermit
Animal
The Red-haired mustached David Crosby-looking Muppet from Dr. Teeth's band - what's his name? Oh yeah, Floyd.

I have to say honestly that Miss Piggy is not high up on my list. Maybe it's the kissing or the fact that Kermit can do better than settle for chubby egotistical diva. Also Fozzie Bear is my absolute least favorite, below Sam the Eagle and Scooter. Fozzie is just there to make Kermit seem more likeable and funny. He's a hack. Nobody likes a hack. At least he's optimistic, I'll give him that. I hope I still get to go to Muppet Heaven after saying all these blasphemous things.

My biggest Muppet related beef if with the voice work of Yoda and Miss Piggy. I can't watch Yoda in any of the Star Wars movies. Every time Yoda talks all I can hear is Miss Piggy's voice. I keep waiting for Yoda to tell Luke how much he loves Kermie. Damn you Frank Oz, Damn you! But no tears for me people, we all have our own cross to bear in life. And that is mine.


"So what did you think of this post to the the Krankiboy Khronicles?"

"The last time I saw writing that bad was when I vomited up a bowl of alphabet soup."

"Really? I didn't like it as much as you."

Share your favorite Muppets or Muppet moments.

http://www.whysanity.net/Muppets/mimages.html

Political Reality & Fuck the South

I don't know who wrote this, but amongst all the rage are some interesting factoids and pictures.

Fuck the South

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep. And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really? Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass. And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

contact the author

If you want the best take on American Politics I suggest you give this a read.

This is a great article on American politics and reality. While it exaggerates some of the red states negatives slightly, it's overall logic is 100% accurate. I want my own island.
http://slate.msn.com/id/2109218/

Buy Nothing Day

That special holiday is finally here. I am a big fan of reminding yourself that you don't have to spend a cent to keep yourself entertained. It's good for the soul and the wallet. The best things in life are indeed free.

Fresh Wilderness Air
Health
Luck
Friends
Sex (sometimes) I can't really compare having never put myself in a situation where I have paid for sex. At least not with money)
People Watching
Crystal Clear swimming holes
Hot exhibitionist neighbors
Sleep

On an somewhat related note, The Muppet Movie is very good when you view it after eating brownies. Maybe it's the sugar, the chocolate, the caffeine, who knows what's in those brownies that makes movie time so much fun. Is it possible to be too relaxed?

I invite you to share your own personal experiences with "brownies." For instance once, after eating one too many brownies, my girlfriend and I saw some bright lights down the street. It was 2 am. We were certain-- and I mean 100% sure that the street lights were heaven and that we could walk, it's not that far, take our dog Freckle Dick to heaven where they would fix his leg (it constantly twitches like an erratic heart beat. You have to be careful where he is sleeping because every so often he has a spasm and if you're in the twitch's path you're gonna can get karate-dogged right in the head. It's hard to look sophisticated when you're about to sip your wine and your dog kicks you upside your head. It no longer bothers him in case you were concerned.

Also feel free to share any tips on how to entertain yourself or friends for free in honor of Buy Nothing Day.

Just a Splash Please

Please Note: This post is not going to appeal to everybody. If you are the type of person who is easily offended then you have no business reading anything I write. Oh, and you're also an uptight, scabby, blood-farting asshole.

Okay... You know how waiters at nice restaurants sometimes offer to grind fresh pepper right onto your salad or other food? I love that, very cool. Sometimes at Italian restaurants they will offer to sprinkle Parmesan cheese or fine olive oil on your food for you. It really does add something special to the dining experience for me. Well I realize this is still just a "quirky" soon to be released cook book, but I'm a visionary and I'm predicting big things for these renegade chefs...

However, I've got this disturbing image of myself, my wife and some friends out at an upscale restaurant. We've just begun our wonderful meals when our gracious waiter approaches our table with his fly unzipped, his man meat whipped out, cock in hand and he offers to splooge onto our salads or give us something yummy to dip our rolls into.

Waiter dude: "Miss, would you like me to blow a load of fresh semen on that Ahi Tuna salad for you?"

Miss: "Yes, but just a little drizzle, please."

Waiter: Certainly... (jacks himself up, makes his mangasm face and gives the customer just what she wants) Uuuuuhhhhhnnnhh... There you are, enjoy your meal.

I think I will have to do one of two things to forever cleanse and purge this horribleness out of my system. Here are my options.

1) Never again go to a restaurant where they offer to add cheese or seasonings or "flavored olive oil" of any kind to your meal.

2) When the guy with the pepper grinder offers me some I'll casually say. "Pepper, yes. That would be lovely, thanks. Also would you mind jerking off your man tool sauce onto my vegetables to give them a splash of zesty semen?"

It will be as big a hit as Hooters. I can just see a chain of Man Sauce Restaurants opening up in Amsterdam, San Francisco, Miami, Berlin, Paris... I predict it will be the Planet Hollywood of the next decade. A huge outpouring that spreads out, but is ultimately a bust. Get in now before their stock surges, explodes and then goes limp.

The possibilities for cum smoothies and power shakes at the gyms seem like a perfect match. "I'll have the Mango Manjuice Madness. Could you have Byron make it? I really like the way he tastes. Soo, tangy."

Classy Video Games

Video Games are just getting more and more lovely.

Thanks to Burnt Karma for spotting this distasteful video game article that you will now want to click and look at her post and the game in question before reading the rest of this post.

I certainly hope this tasteful company also puts out a video game called Jesus Re-crucified. You can torture the son of God and try to inflict MAXIMUM PAIN points. Just don't kill him before he has time to suffer for mankind's sins! Happy crucifying! Or perhaps an interactive game where you can play Nancy Reagan and slowly try and control your husband as his Alzheimers Diseased brain turns him into a walking vegetable. I didn't mean to equate Jesus with Reagan. I think Jesus was a rather rad dude with some genuinely good things to say that have been twisted and sharpened and used to justify the killing of millions of people over the centuries here on beautiful planet Earth. Reagan was a vapid dick who said what he thought people would want to hear and most people bought the Russia is an Evil Empire talk. Jesus was a hippie love preacher before there were even hippies. Ironic because if he did come back I don't think he'd be too keen on how he's being advertised, packaged, and sold.

Other ideas for Offensive Video Games:

Crawlspace! You get to play a serial killer. Bury the bodies where they'll never find them. Chop Chop!

Dust in the Wind: Sabotage the The Space Shuttle Challenger Explosion

Roe verses Wade: Fetus Fight Frenzy

Death at the Drake: Assassinate John Lennon

Lil Blubber Clubber: Go on! Bash those baby seal pups and nab some pelts.

Necrophyliac: How many cold hot corpses can you bang at the morgue?!

The King is Dead: How quickly can you kill Elvis with fried peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches and hard core drugs.

Kittycat Crunch or Dog Pounder - Compete to catch and kill the as many defenseless animals as you can.

Lizard King Jimmy! - Help Jim Morrison to Fuck his Mother ruin his career and then Overdose.

Bloody Good Play: Put a bullet through Abe Lincoln's skull.

M.L.K. versus the KKK The peace-loving activist Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. battles the Klu Klux Klan!

Insane in the Cobrain - Speed up Kurt Cobain's mental depression so he'll blow his head off with a shotgun?!

And of course there's Sim Holo-Cost: Who's concentration camp will make the most money.

The game I'd actually like to see is called Bush-whacked! And when I say "game" I mean live television event.

Happy Thanksgiving! Or as the Australians call it Happy Friday!

OUCH! A Lesson in Pain

Now that I look more closely at the “blueprints” of the “incident” I realize that it was closer to five feet high and six feet across. However, in no way did that make the impact with the concrete any softer or the bruise on my tail bone (ass) less painful.

Kids don’t try this at home and certainly don’t try it while you are out on break from your grad school class entitled “Teaching Science to Elementary Students”
I just hope we’ve all learned something from this instructional demonstration.
Any Questions?

As Red as a Fruity Fuckin' Pebble!

How red are the red states in America? Pretty fucking red. But that's just today in 2004. Times will change.

America's future is bright, there is hope on the horizon. The youth of today will be the powerful of tomorrow. Who are these future leaders?

Delving deeper into American Youth culture.

Video # 1
http://www.knowitallvideo.com/showvideo.jsp?i=1098319731303

Video #2
http://www.knowitallvideo.com/showvideo.jsp?i=1098319731304


Sure perhaps these are simply spirited teens having fun in a town where there's not that much to do. Still there are no circumstances where I can understand how the gargabe can drop kicking activity is a fun way to spend your time.

What's one of the more memorable and stupid things you've done for entertainment? Share.

Reports from the Field

Pep. To know the man is to love him. Just saying the name makes me smile with many fond and mostly drug-related memories. Pep, is the kind of guy who will happily find another place to stay so that you and your girlfriend (who have just decided to move to Amsterdam for the hell of it) can crash at the apartment where he was housesitting.

On a somewhat related tangent...
It's weird to see some guy in person in L.A. who you're sure that you know, but then you realize that you only know him from having looked through his photoalbumn when you stayed at his place in Amsterdam without his knowledge/consent. Has that ever happened to you?

By Ex-Pat and Humorist and Lover of Trance Music Jon "Pep" Rosenfeld

Most of my American friends either can’t wait to visit or have visited several times. And to the ones that haven’t yet: what’s the matter with you? Why the interest? It ain’t for the gezelligheid. It’s the cool visit cred. People assume – correctly – that Amsterdam is a cool place to visit. People think it’s cool because they think you can get sex and drugs anywhere. They think you can walk into any establishment in town and get sex and drugs. Why? That’s our reputation. That’s the perception. Example: Last week Tony, a friend of mine from New York, was in town for a six hour layover and wanted to get together. Unfortunately, the layover was to be from 6am until noon. I don’t know what your schedule is like, but mine rarely has me socializing at 6am unless it’s Friday night and I’m considering calling a cab to go to Dino’s. But Tony’s the only guy I made friends with during my brief tenure at Saturday Night Live. The reasons why I only made friends with one guy – and how that contributed to my tenure there being so brief – are another story. But suffice to say Tony’s a good guy, and I was happy to drag my ass out of bed – especially since getting off a plane at six means breakfast at 7:30. We made plans to meet at the Marriott – one of the few places I knew I could get a decent breakfast that early. By the way, when I say “decent breakfast” I don’t mean what the Marriott calls an “American Breakfast” of eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, pancakes, eggs… fried chicken, and a Big Mac. I mean cereal and some coffee. I know we Americans have the reputation of being gun-toting fat people who eat enough breakfast for three people every morning. But that’s perception. The reality is that that’s only true of about half of us. So fuck you Marriott menu. And I guess fuck you too to the millions of lard-ass Americans for whom that menu is entirely accurate and who are slowly but surely reversing the process of evolution. But I digress. 7:35 at the Marriot. I arrive and tell the nice people there “I’m waiting for a friend.” Then I sit down to coffee and the newspaper while I wait for Tony. Who’s late. So I’m waiting there when a guy from the hotel comes up to me, Here’s the dialogue: Marriott Guy: Sir, I understand you are looking for a friend? Me: Yeah, is he here? Marriott Guy: There is a gentleman over there who is looking for a friend. And he points. My eyes follow Marriott Guy’s finger. They go from his face to blurry motion to land on where he was pointing. Not at Tony, but rather at a thin, 55 year old pink-faced bald man in a tidy suit and tie. Looks like Pim Fortuyn with a mustache. And he’s holding up his cup of coffee with a slightly-too-friendly face that seemed to say, “Want to be my new friend?” Marriott Guy: Would you like to be his friend? Me: (bewildered) No! I’m looking for my friend. I’m looking for a friend I already have! Marriott Guy: So you are looking for— Me: I’m not looking! I’m waiting! I’m waiting for a friend that I already have! So clearly, the dude thought he was getting a pre-afternoon delight. A couple of questions leap to mind: Did he think it was going to be free, or did he think I was a male prostitute? If the latter, was the restaurant host helping to pimp me? Would he have wanted a cut of my take? And most important: did I look like a male prostitute? It’s certainly not the look I was shooting for, but it was early, and I hadn’t showered. Maybe a long leather coat, Freitag backpack, and unwashed hair say, “I’ll blow a business traveler for money or eggs.” I’ll never know. Bottom line: the perception of Amsterdam is that if you’re looking for an early morning rendezvous with a distinguished looking homosexual gentleman, you could just stroll into a fancy restaurant and boom, you get your wish. Reality? Head to the Marriott, and tell ‘em you’re “looking for a friend.” Tipping the host/pimp is optional.

Pep - Artistic Director Boom Chicago

Proud Patron of Post It Art

Anybody know how I can put this up on the top of my blog like a banner?

Sugar and Spice and All Things Nice

This is the best virtual reality mug anybody has ever given me. I am touched by your gesture. I want that mug. Where can I get one? I think I might die without it.

Please, Just Hear Me Out.

Look, I'm going to be honest with you my dear readers. Why? Well, (even though some I've just met some of you) I find myself developing strong feelings for you. I was delighted with your response to "What's Wrong with America? A Pictorial" You seemed to really enjoy it and it was great for me, too. However, now that I find myself in the spotlight I feel this pressure to deliver something really entertaining. I'll admit it. I'm having blog performance anxiety. I love you and I don't want to disappoint you. I'm afraid that I'll start working on my next post and a) I just won't be able to get it up. It'll be soft and you'll be unresponsive. That'd be embarrassing. Or I'd get myself all juiced and lubed up to deliver a knockout, toe-curling, post that would send you into multi-orgasmic fits of laughter - your appetite would be wet and then a few sentences into it I'd blow my blog load and you'd be left feeling utterly unsatisfied. You'd leave the post to clean yourself up and then never visit me again.

So... If you care and you want to make our relationship work you'll take away all the grand expectations and let our blog bond develop naturally... organically. All I need is some kind of token gesture from you. It doesn't have to be a permanent committed link. We both know that nothing lasts forever. I don't want to own you. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow and find that you've left. Just promise you'll give our blog a fighting chance?

Visit me, cuddle me and make me feel safe and I know that the raw blog juice will flow like a mighty river. I'm not asking for blogmonogamy here. I know we both want to see other blogs and I think that's healthy. Just give me a sign. Show me that you'll be back for more. Take the pressure off. If you do then I promise I'll do all the little things it takes to keep our relationship fresh.

Here's something I saw while window shopping. It's just a token of my affection. I didn't make it, but I saw it... and it made me think of you. I hope you like it. Go ahead, open it.

You are the wind beneath my wings...

Love, Krankiboy

Bird Grabbing

http://www.knowitallvideo.com/showvideo.jsp?i=1087818859207

What's Wrong with America? A Pictorial

She'll get your Confederate flag flappin' in the wind.


Not sure how the pride of gun ownership relates in any way to the election.


Underage drinking and voting are a deadly combo.


We like to kill stuff. That way they're dead.


John Kerry failed to capture the all important accordian enthusiast vote.


And by the way, Myrna and I are both single and looking. :)
Do you know any conservative accordian players?


I guess Kerry shouldn't have said all those things about how much he hates families. I'm sorry if your Redneck baby comes out a stillborn or deformed. Fingers Crossed. Sweet haircut, dude.


Another Republican and his gun sharing an intimate moment.

Another Gun? Am I detecting a trend?



And from the looks of it, it's a wild rock-out with your cock out party!
Slow down and pace yourselves folks.


Sometimes she lets me stick it in her while we watch the The O'Riley Factor.




"I hate you long-haired hippy freaks. Hey, dude, let's do another bong hit to celebrate Bush's victory!"



You're clearly not cowards. It takes brave women to shave off their eyebrows and draw them in with pencil.


Hmmm... more guns...?



Go, go, Gonzman! You tell those Islamofascist butt-monkeys!



I'm here in the thick, lush, grassy fields of Iraq.



We're proud to belong to a wonderful Church that does all our thinking for us.



Mommy and Daddy am homeschooling me, because it is more better.



Damn, it's the real Captain America! Look at that mighty shield.


Even the Republican animals use firearms and foul language.



Being a republican makes Cheryl feel sexy! Trust me, that churning feeling in your stomach is pure lust."
Skanky Human Troll Dolls From the 80's Beaten with Ugly Sticks for Bush!


I am sorry for touching all those children though.



Get him, Burl, shoot that darkie good!


I am a very well adjusted person, with a deep understanding of domestic and international politics.



Cowboy hat? Check. Shirtless? Check. Barbed wire tattoo? Yup. Enormous truck, loaded rifle and fag-hunting dog. Yee-Haw! "I'll oil myself up and then we're all set, Rex!"



"Jenna, you rule! You got your hands on the best coke, like, ever. It was soo good. It made his cock all hard and numb and he pounded me for hours. Do you have one of those morning after pills? Also I was wondering if your dad needs an intern?



Kiss Fan Turns Out in Record Number for Bush!



Yup, we Americans hate freedom. We want to live someplace where our "leader" just does whatever the fuck he wants! Oh, wait, I guess we're fine here then. Nevermind.



"See, with the bar attached to his head he's easier to hold when I fuck him in the pooper."




I believe all the "men in your life" love you for your huge and bountiful political intellect. F.Y.I. In the event of a water emergency Lorie here can be used as a flotation and fornication device.



Oh, good I was worried the Republicans were low on guns.



"Two things I love most are Monty Python's Flying Circus and George W. Bush." They just go so well together.


"Make sure you have enough guns there, Randall. Bin laden might be sneaking up the driveway right now!"


Send Marvin over and the insurgents will quickly crumble.



There was no political message from her. She let's her body do all the talkin'.



Cool. She's already got her helmet. Send her off to Iraq.



That's funny, none of the Democratic voters posed with enormous rifles.


Or... machine guns.

In the frozen tundra.


No caption necessary here.



"Mother says I look quite handsome in uniform and if I don't come home in a body bag I just might find a girl. Right, Mother?"



Unless they decide to tax sideburns.


Just because I wear a dog collar doesn't mean I'm not a proud Republican.


Red America! How chillingly catchy.



"I am not sorry that my daddy is a pawn of the white man."




"When we grow up we're going to be just like the Bush Girls, but sluttier!"


Okay, but what exactly does that have to do with the gun?


My therapist says he's going to leave his wife and marry me.


I think he's being sarcastic. It's subtle. He gets the prize for human stain I'd most like to see eaten alive by cougars.


The buck stops here! Killing is good for a boy my age.



"Perfect, my naughty Raggity Anne. You looked very political in that photo. Now, what do say we snap a few more shots of you in your zebra thong. And then we'll get some split beaver shots to show off your sexy, red Bush. Ha. Get it? You're sure you're 18, right?"

"Yes, Mr. Cheney, I'm almost 19!"

"Good, 'cause, I'm about to stuff your ballot box!"



Yeah, toooooo baaaad. Now Bush doesn't get to be President of New York. Sorry, that's just the way it works.



Can you sense that a hot and sexy three-way is about to go down? Watch out for paper cuts.


I hope these images help explain who lives in all those RED states and counties. Be proud to call yourself a BUSH Republican? Clearly you're in fine company.