Thursday, December 01, 2005

DEAR BODY,

DEAR BODY...

Dear Body,

I am writing to you to take responsibility for the actions that took place last night that affected you and those that you hold close to you.

First, I want to say I try to be a good Brain to you and do what's best for everybody's health and happiness. With that said please accept my apologies for the state that you find yourself in this morning. I feel somewhat responsible.

I am sorry I put soo much beer in you. In hindsight it seems like an excessive amount to give you, but I just wanted you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself. You did seem to have a nice time lying down in the grass after you finished off that jug.

I want to specifically apologize to throat for putting him around all that nasty cigarette smoke. I wasn't thinking of your best interests when I did that.

I hold Mouth partly responsible for what happened throughout the rest of the evening. He quickly opened himself up and sucked on that little piece of paper before I even noticed.

It wasn't all bad, was it? I think everybody was impressed when you performed that amazing, unprompted one-man Christina Aguilera dance celebration. Despite the hair Legs looked sultry sexy in that snake-skin skirt.

I am especially sorry to heart for putting him in close proximity to that very rude random girl from Brisbane. I totally led you astray and dropped the ball on that one. Nobody told me that Brisbane girls could me so unfriendly, negative, uptight and also unfriendly. We didn't deserve to be so charming and effervescent only to be treated like a leper with a bugar in his nose.

Sorry you had the ego-bruising misfortune of ending up spending time with somebody who had absolutely zero interest in you as a human being other than when she needed you to get her a lighter or a glass of water or entertain her like a trained monkey-tard. For the record I think that you actually looked quite lovely in that red lingerie top that they made you put on.

I shouldn't have let Fingers send out that real downer of a text message to a few of our lovely friends. To be honest, I wasn't thinking as clearly as I normally do at that point in the night.

I was flat-out 100% wrong to tell you to climb out onto that thin, rusted, crumbly, metal roof where somebody could have easily fallen through and been severely hurt. Not unlike the story I was told about that guy last year who fell from that exact roof, partially fractured his neck, and required six months of rehabilitation. That story should have been a valuable clue that I was putting us all in danger. That was my bad completely.

All in all it was foolish and not what I was hoping for when the night was young. I only hope that you'll forgive me if I acted irresponsibly. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Please give yourself a long, warm hug from me. I promise to try and make it up to you this weekend.

Hazily yours,

Brain




P.S. Mouth says he's "way, totally soo, sooo sorry."

4 comments:

BEVIS said...

First!

(Back with a vengeance!)

BEVIS said...

Okay, I've read it now ...

Eyes tell me it sounds like you're having a really good time here in Australia! (But what would they know, say Ears.)

Look after yourself.

And have you tried any of those Aussie phrases I taught you the other week yet?

Tell Ms Fits you like her fanny.

Lushlife said...

I apologise on behalf of random Brisbane females for the rudeness of that horrid girl you had the misfortune of meeting and now consider as representative of my city.

What a shame she has coloured your perspective of Brisbane people, however, should you happen to come to Brisbane on your travels, our pace isn't as fast as that which you might be keeping in Melbourne but we would more than happy to have you around and put on a feast and show you around!

I hope my small gesture (which is very genuine) has redeemed my city's reputation for generousity and returned you faith in human kind of the Brisbane variety.

fluffy said...

Dear Kranki's body,

Please be assured that I will be tending to all but your most intimate needs later on. Hope you like wonton soup, mouth and tummy!

Please ignore the rantings of brain.

xxx Fluff