Gimme a C... Gimme a U... Gimme and N... Gimme a... T-ruly I have been engulfed by madness. I just want to be a fucking substitute teacher and the school has already hired me but the District Office people are cruel vindictive flesh bags of brain-dead, walking, talking, infected, oozing piles of rancid human puss.
Right now I am mentally concentrating on attempting to physically morph myself into a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a cyborg killing machine so I may destroy the District Office of Evil. We're talking Mount Doom Just for kicks beauracratic cruelty. The Orcs and Goblins of Middlearth wouldn't be this unpleasant to deal with. Red Tape of Epic Proportions! Perhaps a spree of Karate Crimes is in order. I would like to go Slade Ripfire all over that place soulless. I will try to explain without being too dull. Fuck it! Just read the link above. I'm getting more of the bullshit from the Queen Cunt who had twice assured me that everything was "approved" and my processing would be "sped right along" and please "call me if you need any help." But today Queen Cunty won't hear a word I have to say. it's "that's not the right department" and "well I wouldn't know about that." I think perhaps they are attempting to process me into some kind of gnarled ground beef. The least violent thing that I can imagine doing to everybody in that office is dispatching two dozen ninja to quietly slit their throats and let their blood soak into the cheap crappy office carpeting changing it from it's current color of "We Hate Your Eyes Beige" to a deep and festive crimson blood red. That is the least violent thing that comes to mind. If I told you the most violent thing that comes to mind it woold give you nightmares. The sad thing is that I am powerless to do anything to harm these walking dead administrators so all I can do to quell my rage is post fictional scenarios on this blog. But I'll let you decided which is the best fate for these incompetent, cruel, lying paper pushers. Here are your choices.
1) Underground Lava explosion melts the building and all the people inside
2) Two dozen deadly ninjas stealthfully slice and dice at the hands of two dozen ninja. Ninja and ninjas are acceptable, don't you dare call me on my grammar today because I'll tear out your kidneys fry them up with some onions and paprika and make you eat them.
3) A horde of giant diseased rabid rats swarm and gnaw the occupants of the building down to their marrow.
4) Musical Exploding Telegram telling them in happy lyrics the reasons that they will all be killed when the song ends.
5) Delicious Homemade cyanide chocolate chip cookies for everybody.
6) Everyone gathered into the lobby, impaled with a stick and set ablaze.
7) Division of Snipers take the maggots out them out as they attempt to leave early and scurry for their cars at 4:54 PM.
8) Building sealed completely with cement forcing them to eat each other or be among the first to starve.
9) Skin carefully peeled off every centimeter of their bodies keeping them alive followed by blasting them with fire hoses filled with alcohol and lemon juice.
10) Shards of Glass eating contest. With 2.5% pay raise for the winner.
11) Conga line of death off the top of the 19th floor.
12) Small staples jammed one my one across their skulls and spinal cords.
13) Overhead Sprinklers are turned on. Sprinkler water replaced by hydrochloric and sulfuric acid.
14) Barbarian hordes sack the office. Savagely raping and pillaging.
15) "Execuse me, can somebody please sign for these 125,000 deadly scorpions?"
16) All Garfield, Dilbert and Perky cartoon calendars removed.
17) Human jam in the copier x 436
18) Blood Drive! "No, people. Not a pint each, we're goint to need all your blood."
19) Office-wide Exorcism/ Surgical Missile Strike with Napalm
20) I personally tell each and every person there that they are an Incompetant Asshole, slap them across the face, mace them in the eyes, stun gun them in the throat and inform them that I've already killed their family, friends and neighbors.
21) New heads of Human Resources, Vlad the Impaler, Pol Pot and Kaizer Soze.
22) Earth opens up, consumes the building returning it back to Hades.
23) Bring Your Psychotic Pygmie Cannibal to work day.
24) All District Personel Drawn and Quartered by hundreds of happy frisky puppies.
25) 168 hour work week. No bathroom breaks.
26) Anthrax-Margaritas! Woo-Hoo!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
You could also give them a really mean look while pouting. That'll show them!
I don't care how they die, as long as it at some point involves their spine hanging from a tree, or a bone sticking out of their neck.
You can easily get Mr Erik Belvins to choreograph this whole massacre for you. He proved to be pretty good at it.
Unleash Cho-Cho Washington there. Should be enuff. Haii-yaah!
Yeah! Cho Cho Washington is the baddest black-chicano karate dude in town.
He'd go Blevins on their asses!
Please begin using Blevins as a verb.
Post a Comment