Blog is not a sexy word.

Have you tried explaining what a blog is to somebody's mom or dad? Try explaining to people that you met ALL your friends in Australia because you started reading their blogs and then sent them some emails. You often get stared at like a purple baby with dick growing out of your head. I might as well say that I first met my friend when I tried to stuff my finger up their ass without permission one late night outside a seedy bar. Or maybe, I liked the way their underpants smelled so I followed them around for a few weeks learning where they liked to spend their free time.

It's incredibly difficult to feel remotely cool when you have to use the word "Blog." It's not a sexy word and I am going to officially suggest that from now on we replace the word blog with the word fuck.

Doesn't it sound better to use the word "fuck" in place of "blog"? Here's an example, you be the judge.

Ignorant person: So, how'd you and Firetart meet?

ME: How did I meet my friend Firetart? Well, Firetart and I are both avid fuckers and we met each other through some mutual fuck friends who are hardcore fuckers. My stomach still hurts me after Firetart's fuck from the other day. It almost killed me. We like fucking so much that a bunch of us are thinking of doing some group fucking. It's very liberating to be able to fuck whatever you want.

Or, perhaps Blog is the sexier way to go.

I don't know I'm just another ignorant fucker.

Happy Holiday Fucking my beloved Fuck lovers.

I ain't afraid of no bat

I got to watch Ghostbusters under the moonlight at an outdoor cinema. Nice big cushion tons of snack food, some bitch pop aka peeler for drinks. My panties stayed on sadly. While watching Ghostbusters there were enormous actual bats flying overhead. I know it's supposed to be "good luck" when a bird s on you, but what does it mean when a bat drops a load of guano on your arm? I considered keeping it, but in the end it's just poop really. High protein insect poop.

Rejected topics that I didn't post about.

- King Kong was spectacular.

- Don't buy batteries at a discount store.

- The Sydney Aquarium Gift Shop has inadequate security for the likes of an artful dodger like myself. Let's just say that a few stuffed platypuses... platipusi? Plata ? Whatever, oh... and a wombat were set free from the gift shop.

Got word that my friend just got into Melbourne and is going to be leaving town soon. I also want to meet his niece who has been scientifically calculated to be adorable. I promised him we'd meet up so I'm cutting my Sydney trip short and headed back to my home away from home. I just booked a flight. I hope the Fits hasn't given my room away yet.

I hope it's not so -boilingly hot down in Melbs. So it will be a kranki kristmas in Melbourne after all.

Let me know if you want to buy a scrawny American boy breakfast or a beer. Sydney has used up lots of those pretty colored pictures that they pretend are money here.

Sexy Text Torture

I have a large backlog of events and pictures to post about as La Nadine has gone out of her way to expose me to the full spectrum of Australian culture ranging from fine dining to Lawn Bowling to gambling at the Dog Track. I'd just like to call all you Aussie Lawnbowlers out because I smoked everybody and won 3 out of the 6 lawn bowl matches I played against my "competition". For the record do not fib and tell La Nadine that she won a game because you think it will inspire her. It only leads to trash talking. Oh and it got her confidence up and then she did win two games. Not that I'm keeping track of the score. Trash talking has no place on the bowling green as it can distract one from the goal of Lawn bowling which is to consume enormous amounts of beer while barefoot in the sun.

I must say that I am impressed with how much the Aussies can and do drink.

I was exposed to some mild texting torture when I found out that some of my Aussie gal friends had picked up the Christmas spirit and skulled (chugged) it.

This was the text message I received from my torturers.

Everyone very very drunk. girls pashing, truth games being played. OUT OF CONTROL.

Woah! This then lead to a massive girl-on-girl pash (make-out) party. I felt that had I been there in Melbourne rather than Sydney I could have provided some kind of guidance and international encouragement to the festivities.

Then I received a second message from another one of the pash participants minutes later which read:

We are all massivly gone, discussing oral sex, and Snaz has been kissing girls. Repeatedly. You wish you were here.

I happened to be sitting in my guest room reading an old issue of Lucky magazine and waiting for the washer to finish my laundry. Wild night. I tried to text back but experienced some premature texting due to my level of excitement.

Snaz informs me that there is a pill I can take for that.

The Sages

The Boy Wonder was kind enough to drive me to the home of Mrs. Abbas to retrieve my bag. When I got to the apartment I was met by her incredibly sketchy teenage boys. The youngest kid was about 11 and invited me into the house. The middle brother was about 15 and asked why I was there. I began to explain that their mother had found my bag on the train and was kind enough to call me. She found Ms. Fits' number scrawled on the back of a boarding pass. If she hadn't looked so closely and been so thorough she'd have had no way of reaching me. Bless her kind heart. The oldest kid looked about 17 and picked up on my accent.

Big Bro: Where you from then?

Me: California. Los Angeles.

Big Bro: Wow, no way, that's where I'm going to go.

Little Bro: He wants to be an actor.

Me: (nodding and smiling) Okay then.

Mid Bro: Is California near Hollywood?

Me: Yeah, Hollywood is part of Los Angeles.

Big Bro: So Los Angeles is in Hollywood?

Me: Hollywood is a part of the city of Los Angeles.

Mid Bro: Which part?

Me: Hollywood. Hollywood is an area inside Los Angeles.

Lil Bro: You idiot, Los Angeles is big.

Mid Bro: Bigger than California?

Me: Is you mom coming back with my bag soon?

Big Bro: Yeah, she's getting it from up the room.

Lil Bro: What was in it?

Me: My camera, a t-shirt, some papers, and my ipod.

Mid Bro: Oh shit you have an ipod!

By this time Mrs. Abbas has returned with my bag and I am anxious to make the scrawny stooges a memory as soon as possible. I'm hoping that the Boy Wonder has kept the car's engine running.

Big Bro: You are lucky. How'd you get an ipod?

Me: I bought it. Actually it was a gift.

Lil Bro: You soo lucky. Mom, why'd you call this guy?

The Lil Bro is unable to control himself and reaches over for my ipod and "pretends" to steal it and then smiles. They are not making me comfortable but I want to give Mrs. Abbas the bottle of red wine I brought to thank her. I saw that Mrs. Abbas was wearing a berka and headpiece. Oops. I offer it and suggest that she could give it to some friends.

Mrs. Abbas: No, no. No wine. Muslim. All friends Muslim.

The next thing I remember was getting my bag and thanking her for her kindness. Were I religious I would have said a little prayer to smite the children and spare Mrs. Abbas from their unique brand of mental retardation. As I excused myself to leave the oldest son leaned over to me and took the bottle of wine from my hands. Mrs. Abbas was not happy, but I was almost out the door when I saw the youngest boy turn to his brother with the wine and announce. "We are going to get so pissed tonight."


And i do believe they will. Thank goodness for Mrs. Abbas. I can't imagine what would have happened if the little cretins had gotten their hands on the bag. All praise onto Allah.

Hello Sanity

Hello sweet sanity. It's so good to be nestled in your comforting embrace once again. I have enjoyed my strange trip down sex, drugs and rock and roll lane, but I am very happy to see you again. How have you been?


So Meredith was freckle-dickin' awesome experience with a capital AWE. I think this is the longest that I've been away from my email/blog in quite some time. I am shocked at the fact that I have had no ill effects from my late night rocking and "rollin'" and frantic speedy dancing. It was nice to get a break from being on vacation. Enjoying yourself can be so demanding.

Some other highlights that I was too tired to mention.

- Some guy told me that I was a demi-god because I had some battery powered white lights on a string wrapped around my head. I told him that I was just a figment of his imagination but I was still happy that he was happy.

- This very sexed up hot girl started talking to be out of the blue and then suggested that I go back to her tent and "get fucked up with her and her friends." On the return to the tent it became quite clear that she was a raging lesbian. Plus she passed out on her chair seconds after we got back to camp.

- The Aussie band called You Am I put on a blisteringly good high energy show that reminded me of the Rolling Stones in their prime.

- My lovely hostess got a bit too fucked up on a combination of several drugs, and much to her surprise, began to see little wooden people climbing about on our picnic table.

- While wandering about looking for our camping area I met a bearded man. He seemed friendly so I brought him back to our campsite. He was very soft spoken when I met him and we discussed capitalism and international politics on the walk back to our camp area, but once there he put on my "magic lights" like some sort of techno crown of thorns and began to get drunk on power when we recognized that he was clearly Jesus. My kranki-sense began to tingle and I left before anything unpleasant happened but I found out later that he got a bit aggravated, began yelling and swearing at the "mortals." He was teased with mocking song parody and in a distraught state he ended up hugging my friend Nance while she had wandered off to have a quiet woodland pee. I imagine that it would be a bit disconcerting to get a surprise embrace from Jesus while answering the call of nature.

Why no pictures you may be asking. Well, I was in a great mood as I returned from my friend Jelly's place and I left my little green backpack with my camera and my ipod on the mother-fucking train. I gave it up for long gone after trying to track it down through the train stations. Then at dinner this evening I got a call from some guy whose mother in law had found my bag and turned it in. I was delighted and I'll be picking it up tomorrow at 10 am.

It makes me feel good that shortly before I left LA I found a wallet full of money and credit cards and went out of my way to return it to its owner. Karma seems to actually work here in Australia. Have I escaped the Karma-free zone?

At any rate, I'll slap some pictures up on the blog once I get my camera back and share more tales of Rex, Sugs and Drock and Roll.

It's been a good week to be krankiboy. Thank you to all the amazing people I got to spend time with at Meredith. It was a quintessential Australian experience that I won't soon forget despite taking two showers to wash the Grit and Grime off my body. God bless Mrs. Abbas who found my bag, with my camera, ipod, Slinky shirt and a few other important items. I'm going to get a ride to her place tomorrow to retrieve my things. I think I'd also like to get her a nice gift to thank her for tracking me down to return my bag. She sounds quite old so maybe a simple wet and frisky pash will suffice.

I made it back. Some fun observations in no particular order because my brain is still unable to do that type of mental heavy lifting at the moment.

Stuff that happened:

People all asked if I was Canadian when they heard my accent. I discovered that it was because Canadians get angry if you mistake them for Americans and Americans get mad when they find out that Canadians don't like them.


I rode on a band's roving bus as the very messy both mental and physically people

Saw a woman climb a tree no thicker than my arm, perch herself there and then manage to light a igrac -- cigarette..

More later so tired... Eyes are actually closing as I try to type this.

It might have been those last five beers. Or perhaps the five I had after that.

just woke up after dozing off at the computer. Time for bed.

Meredith is Calling

I would like to thank you for being the kind of people who read the strange, useless, mildly amusing, narcissistic flavor of retardation that I type onto this blog.

I will miss you while I am gone for three days tearing it up at Meredith. And if you are that person I spoke with in person today, I would like to apologize for spinning your head around, making you blush and imploding your brain all at once.

What can I say, I'm mysterious.

The Award-winning Ausculture.com has asked me to conduct an interview with 5 Australians. So if anybody would like to avail themselves for an in-person interview that would be Cool and the Gang with me.

My editor is a raging fucking lunatic who likes to jab her employees in the eyes with lit cigarettes. Other times she's not in such a jovial mood. Like the time I turned in my article 45 minutes late and she tore out my left kidney and stuffed it down my throat. It's cool though because she sometimes apologizes afterwards.

Now I must get my party energy sleep for Meredith. Pray to the heathen spirits that I return smiling and unscathed. Actually mildly scathed would be even better.

hippie hugs,

Krankiboy

A Quest

So I'm a social guy who prefers to have people around me rather than being alone. When I am alone I feel much more vulnerable and when I am with others I feel I always have purpose to my life.

This is fine normally but at the moment my self-confidence has been slowly eroding. I need to prove to myself that I can do something impressive through hard work, focus and determination.

I have decided that I want to go on a solo quest. Just like the knights of old who would perform impressive deeds to prove their worth to the king. In this case the king is me and I need to prove to myself that I can accomplish a difficult task.

I'm really quite serious about this quest and I was trying to come up with what my quest should be but the thing about quests is that they are given to the knight/adventurer. Anything I can think of is too easy or too difficult.

I was also thinking of creating a permanent piece of art somewhere.

One of my favorite quotes goes something like "When you do things with confidence you are able to make a challenge fun and when you have fun you can accomplish amazing things."

Some ideas I've considered.

1) Slay a dragon. (Very difficult to find and if found it would be far too valuable to just kill it. Plus it's not very original.)

2) A Walkabout in the Australian bushland. (Sounds perhaps a bit dangerous)

3) Learn a martial art

4) Build a lasting work of art.

5) Conquer my fear of the water. Learn to swim and learn to surf.

If you feel like giving any serious suggestions I'd be happy to consider them. I'm leaning towards 3,4 or 5.

I hope to have some humorous content back here soon. I'm just not in that frame of mind at the moment.

- krankiboy

Oversharing, Drizzling and Dreams.

So lately I have been on either the giving or the receiving end of a few email overshares. I have shared a bit too much with some people who probably didn't need to know what twisted and irrelevant thought popped into my head. I have also received a few emails that range from, I want you to be my new best friend (WTF?) to I want you to know that I may have been molested as a child. I would like to say that if anybody wishes to overshare with me please indicate that it is an overshare in the subject header. I will be taking extra precautions to avoid oversharing with any of you good and wholesome pagan people.

I spent the morning with some of my favorite Aussies in a light to mild drizzle of rain. We went to see some truly excellent art by um... Fred Williams and um... the other guy who does the colorful impressionist landscapes of the outback and um... it was pretty. I got to explore parts of downtown Melbourne and purchased a brand spanking new tent for the low low price of just 39 Australian Dollars. It is phat it is bright green and it is all mine. Why? Because we Americans are selfish fuckers and like big things. Nice and spacious for me to sprawl out. I swung by fluffy's place of work which counts towards Take A Seppo To Work Day and I immediately sprawled out on a bean bag chair thingie after scoping out her coworker-who, although cute, wasn't my type.

By this time I was thoroughly worn out and had to called in to cancel with my keeper (Ukulele) as my energy level went from low to no. Now its begun to rain heavily and I am going to relax and enjoy the soothing sound as it takes me off to the land of unconsciousness where penguins tend bar making frosty martinis, lizards can breakdance and every now and then I am able to fly.

So tell me about your dream and I (because I am inexplicably good at it) shall interpret your dream for you. The more details you provide the better my analysis will be.

What is that you say? You didn't have any dreams that you can remember? Well then fucking make something up and I'll tell you if it's bullshit or not. Just remember to be specific.

Has anybody here in Melbourne got any glow stuff or lanterns or light sticks or flashy lights that I can use to pimp my tent? A faux fur throw rug? Portable hot tub? Welcome mat? Comfy Pillows? Sleeping Bag? Crap, I forgot my bed roll at the store, I'll have to go back again. God only knows what else I might buy.

Take your Kranki to Work Day

So I'm all excited that I get to be taken to work like some strange foreign mascot. Fits worked it out so that folks would be whisking me around doing their jobs and I could entertain myself and others in the process.

Of course I woke up on Friday feeling terribly sick. Sore throat, then became a head cold and then a cough.

I was going stir crazy after two days of being house bound and I decided to take B.E. for a walk. Then I was whisked away to the RRR Barbecue Benefit. I love crowd watching so I found a seat in the shade of somebody's umbrella off to the side and began to listen to the music as I scanned the crowd.

I don't know what it is about people watching that is so entertaining but since I was a little kid it has fascinated me to see the huge variety of people that wander across this planet of ours.

Some of my Favorite People Watching Spots are the LAX airport, Melrose Avenue also in L.A., the Lower East side of Manhattan, La Rambala in Barcelona, Amsterdam Open Market area and Haight Ashbury street in San Francisco. After today I would have to add Melbourne to that list.

I must be off to bed to get back all my strength for Meredith. I hope I get to sleep in the krankivan unless of course a large and friendly tent makes itself available.

I hope I'm 100% so I can get back to Take Kranki to Work Day. That could make for some interesting blogging.

Kranki needs...

This game that came to us from Quirkie is lovely fun.

You type "(your name) needs" into Google and post the first 10 results.

I also want to thank Fluffy for pimping my blog. There are a few more things to add on but golly gee she did a kick arse job with those picture links.

Oh what fun and oh how amazingly accurate this google is. I had to do Kranki with the traditional spelling to get results but they are remarkable accurate.


1) Kranki needs... to get laid.

Amen brother, Amen! It's the gospel truth. I am 90% sure I remember how it's done.

2) Kranki needs... to take a flame thrower to this forum! Kill them newbie cooties!

But I like this forum and I encourage newbies. And as my voting record shows I am pro cooties.

3) Kranki needs... another haircut.

Again this is stunningly correct. I am in danger of sprouting a semi mullet if I let a few more weeks pass.

4) Kranki needs... to be BANNED FOREVER.

That seems a tad harsh. How about half of forever instead?

5) Kranki needs... about 7 and ½ hours of sleep to ...

To what? To do what?? Pretty much to do anything properly I suppose.

6) Kranki needs... an Alka-Seltzer. Plop, plop. Fizz, fizz.

7) Kranki needs... to change his diapers. His whiny review stinks! ...

8) Kranki needs to step off a bit and keep his comments to himself. Anyway, it's
time for me to hit the trail. But before I go, I want to know if you're ...

What? "if you're..." what?

9) Kranki needs... some warm milk to settle his nerves.
And if I could wake up in 2008 with a sizeable bank account that would be nice too.

10) Kranki needs... to find some blog inspiration so he doesn't have to steal post ideas from other bloggers.

Okay, I wrote that last one myself.

DEAR BODY,

DEAR BODY...

Dear Body,

I am writing to you to take responsibility for the actions that took place last night that affected you and those that you hold close to you.

First, I want to say I try to be a good Brain to you and do what's best for everybody's health and happiness. With that said please accept my apologies for the state that you find yourself in this morning. I feel somewhat responsible.

I am sorry I put soo much beer in you. In hindsight it seems like an excessive amount to give you, but I just wanted you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself. You did seem to have a nice time lying down in the grass after you finished off that jug.

I want to specifically apologize to throat for putting him around all that nasty cigarette smoke. I wasn't thinking of your best interests when I did that.

I hold Mouth partly responsible for what happened throughout the rest of the evening. He quickly opened himself up and sucked on that little piece of paper before I even noticed.

It wasn't all bad, was it? I think everybody was impressed when you performed that amazing, unprompted one-man Christina Aguilera dance celebration. Despite the hair Legs looked sultry sexy in that snake-skin skirt.

I am especially sorry to heart for putting him in close proximity to that very rude random girl from Brisbane. I totally led you astray and dropped the ball on that one. Nobody told me that Brisbane girls could me so unfriendly, negative, uptight and also unfriendly. We didn't deserve to be so charming and effervescent only to be treated like a leper with a bugar in his nose.

Sorry you had the ego-bruising misfortune of ending up spending time with somebody who had absolutely zero interest in you as a human being other than when she needed you to get her a lighter or a glass of water or entertain her like a trained monkey-tard. For the record I think that you actually looked quite lovely in that red lingerie top that they made you put on.

I shouldn't have let Fingers send out that real downer of a text message to a few of our lovely friends. To be honest, I wasn't thinking as clearly as I normally do at that point in the night.

I was flat-out 100% wrong to tell you to climb out onto that thin, rusted, crumbly, metal roof where somebody could have easily fallen through and been severely hurt. Not unlike the story I was told about that guy last year who fell from that exact roof, partially fractured his neck, and required six months of rehabilitation. That story should have been a valuable clue that I was putting us all in danger. That was my bad completely.

All in all it was foolish and not what I was hoping for when the night was young. I only hope that you'll forgive me if I acted irresponsibly. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Please give yourself a long, warm hug from me. I promise to try and make it up to you this weekend.

Hazily yours,

Brain




P.S. Mouth says he's "way, totally soo, sooo sorry."