Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Peerless Journalism Returns

A Message from the Editor

Dear 7 remaining readers of the Krankiboy Khronicles. The Associate Editors and the Board of Directors would like to thank you for your loyal readership and unwavering support during a tumultuous time. We are truly and deeply sorry you don't have anything better to do and we value both your comments and breathy erotic phone messages.

Dangnabbity nibbit!

Sincerely kids, thanks for sticking through the lean times with me. After we were busted for running that child pornography ring and cooking up methamphetamines in the lab we lost a lot of readership. The fact that you don't care about morality or the reckless degradation and poisoning of children says a great deal about you. For that I thank you. Wow, so much has happened in the last eight days. The branches of the Khronicles in Vienna, Bombay, Hazzard County, Prague, Gobbler's Gulch, and Rome were all hit in a raid by the CIA. These anti-terrorism laws and so called Patriot Acts are out of control. If a group of people can't build a few dozen anthrax warheads and produce false passports to sell on the black market, then I don't know what the world is coming to.

We even lost our DSL service for a few weeks there. Do you have any idea how hard it is to transmit American military troop movements by phone? You might as well tie a note to a chicken.

Sorry to vent, but it's been a real headache. Fortunately we had a good lawyer and he had the charges reduced to littering and disturbing the peace. Nearly all the branch offices are back up and running. Still no word from the Sudanese office. Maybe it's somebody's birthday and they just took an extended lunch.

We did lose Gobbler's Gulch. While the United States Government had the land seized pending the treason charges against me some hot-shot wealthy philanthropist bastard bought the land that the building was on, knocked down the compound and turned it into a nature preserve for endangered animals. Selfish bastard. He probably just did it to impress some Green Peace chick so she'd finally put out. You shouldn't worry because I have a strong suspicion that he and the animals might not be that careful and could meet with a little accident. Panda Bears are notoriously bad drivers so if they were to... Oh, I don't know, perhaps, drive a tanker truck full of explosive toxic waste into the beautiful central waterfall I don't think it would arouse much suspicion. That's what happens when you go around philanthropping into other people's business. Or so I hear. So yes, we are back and I finally got my DSL service up and running in my office. No thanks to the little Oriental kids who we "obtained" to "work" for us. I'm getting too old to worry about what's cool anymore. Sure from my blog some of you might be under the impression that I appear 24 or 25 years old. In fact I am actually... you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Okay. 104 years old. See, I knew you wouldn't believe me. That's the problem with you young people you don't believe everything you see and hear and read on television or at the picture shows. When I was a boy back in 1911 we believed what we were told. Everything damn thing. We didn't question the way things were and everything was perfect. In fact, I can remember back to a time when you could buy a good sized city like Chicago for just a nickel. Fortunately you can still have somebody assassinated on the streets of Hong Kong for 15 American dollars. That includes tip.
=====================
Time without my internet connection was starting to affect me personally. I could feel the nerd juice draining out of my body. Now, after just a few hours of screen time I am feeling almost totally dweebhydrated. I hope you'll agree that the quality of the writing is just as pointlessly retarded as ever. How do we do it you might ask. It's a simple recepie really. 1 part gibberish, 2 parts sleep deprivation, a scoop of chemical imbalance, 1 unsettling childhood, a generous sprinkle of failed marriage, a table spoon of blatant lies, a dash of narcicism and just a tiny pinch of effort.

So look for great things in the Krankiboy Khronicles to kome. Including an expose on the gritty under-belly of Australian Culture, some imaginary diseases, and rare naked pictures of Abraham Lincoln. Answers and Advice from The Wizard himself and random images I accidentally find while surfing for raunchy girl on turtle pornography.

Cheers, Tot Ziens, and don't forget to cradle those balls!

Krankiboy

12 comments:

thr said...

Sweet to have you back online where your seditious nature is loved- and fucking well needed.

Am taking Fits for a stroll in the country side shortly. She's in good hands. We hope.

thomassr

kranki said...

Thanks, mate. I need the Fits returned intact. I have a you break her you buy her policy and she's not cheap.

MelbourneGirl said...

looking forward to the return of the wizard, and that pic of lincoln.

elaine said...

Peerless journalism? Does that mean I'm supposed to keep my eyes averted?

I saw your people from the Sudanese branch on a topless beach in St Tropez. Maybe you could call Donatella Versace to ascertain their current whereabouts.

LadyCracker said...

good lord, I've been looking everywhere for naked Abes.

obtuse-a said...

more kranki-panki thanks

sublime-ation said...

'It's a simple recepie really. 1 part gibberish, 2 parts sleep deprivation, a scoop of chemical imbalance, 1 unsettling childhood, a generous sprinkle of failed marriage, a table spoon of blatant lies, a dash of narcicism and just a tiny pinch of effort.'

The perfect recipe for a blogger. Good to have you back, Khronicle Konglomerate.

Quirkie said...

Kranki: back with a bang. Brilliant funny. Just what I needed to discourage me from working and to keep me lazing around in blogland a little longer.

kranki said...

I feel the love. Thanks people. It's nice to have a warm reception in my home away from reality.

Enny said...

See - there's more than seven of us!

Chai said...

And I often lurk ... see I dont show up in your stats.... Go on, check... I will wait ... See...

kranki said...

My Sudnese staff are at topless beach? Where is their journalistic integrity? I'm sure they're probably just tracking down a juicy story.