I had a one day sub job for a rambunctious first grade class last Friday. By the end of the 6 hour day I truly felt as if I had put in an entire week of work. I must say that the crap that kids learn in first grade is really freaking boring. Spelling Dot, hot, pot, got, and the bonus word... "you."
There was one little kid who took any opportunity to comment on anything anybody said. Motor Mouth. MM for short. He also like to tell me about his "adventures."
MM: "And Mr. Kranki, the other day I saved the airport from the bad guys and went with the firemen after it exploded."
Me: "Really, that's impressive. Cool."
MM: "And after it all exploded... it exploded again, like, 16 times!"
Me: "How does something explode 16 times? Once it explodes isn't that usually it?"
MM: "Yeah, it was dangerous and explody but I helped the firemen and policemen."
Me: "That's good that you didn't explode."
MM: "Yeah they made me a special protection suit so I could wear it for stopping explosions."
Me: "How come I didn't hear about the airport exploding on the news?"
MM: "(long pause, thinks) Because we saved it. And all the people who almost died... didn't die."
Me: "That makes you a brave hero."
MM: "Yay, I know. They thanked me. Plus they gave me a lot of the special airport money."
Me: "So it sounds like it was a really good movie?"
MM: "Yeah it was... No, it wasn't a movie. Because I did it."
Me: "Wow. I think you fight crime better than most sixth graders I know."
MM: "Yeah, I do."
Monday, September 26, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Why?
WHY?
If you can answer any one of these burning questions please do. I'll be grateful. Hey, you might need my kidney one day.
Why do people avoid the light-up intersection to cross the street when they are wearing all black and I can't see them?
Why do they then give me that look. I call it the Queer Seer. It is a catty man-glance that says both, "Fuck off!" and "You're so 1998 I could vomit!" These sneers hurt me right down to the tender marrow of my delicate bones.
Why do people pay large sums of money to see a band do it's fourth "Final reunion tour?"
Why can't we all learn the same language? Why not Portuguese?
Why does my dog fart for 9 hours if I give him just one tiny sliver of carrot?
Why do people bring their infant babies to the movie theatre?
Why do most people consider faux gold to be classy?
Why do we have a leap year?
Why is their a stigma against men wearing skirts even in many warm climates?
Why is it that when my favorite show is on TV HBO in Spanish comes in crystal clear but Normal HBO is totally pixelated?
Why are rabbits feet from dead rabbits considered lucky?
Why do people choose to live where it's colder than a witch's tit almost all year round?
Why doesn't the 3-hole punch thing ever work properly on the first try?
Why would the same credit card company that cancels my account due to late payment send me an application for a new credit card?
Why do we call football soccer here in America? Soccer was around way before football.
Why do people think of pirates as fun and jolly characters when they mostly killed and tortured men, raped women, rarely showered and kept monkeys and parrots perched on their shoulders for no go reason.
Why do (not all) many little girls naturally love the colors purple and pink? Yeah even the ones with hippie-crunchy, earth-tone-lovin' parents.
Why do some people derive sexual pleasure from pain?
Why did Sam, Louis and I let Ricky bully us around in Junior High School when the three of us could have easily ganged up on him and kicked his ass?
Why do I always make fun of "those simpleminded impulse buyers" and then right before I purchase something glowy or shiny from the check out counter.
Why don't I ever see any black people when I go skiing?
Why is the White House allowed to withhold documents whenever they feel like it?
Why do old people's houses have "that smell"?
Why do assassins and serial killers always use their middle names?
Why do so many people bite their finger nails when they are nervous?
Why isn't Kindergarten called first grade?
Why is Kindergarten taken from a German word?
Why won't my dog learn to catch a Frisbee?
Why does Australia have to be so far away? (from me, not from itself)
Why are the female-named hurricanes so much more deadly than the male hurricanes?
Why is the tobacco company allowed to make it's own anti-tobacco commercials?
Why do the threats from Bin Laden and Al Qaida always remind me of the over the top, cheesy rants the Professional wrestler make to the camera?
Why do people constantly say "I'm sorry" for the tiniest little thing, thus removing any sincerity when the statement and sentiment is actually appropriate?
Why aren't there any words in English that rhyme with th e word "orange"?
Why do I care?
I have decided...
I have decided that I am going to tell people that I suffer from a rare affliction called, Voluntary Tourets Syndrome, so I will be excused from cursing at anybody, any time for any reason. "Sorry I said those things about your girlfriend. It's just my V.T.S. acting up again.
I have decided that if somebody steps into the intersection at night wearing dark clothing and I hit them I am going to drive on and place all the blame on natural selection.
I have decided that I am only going to drink top shelf quality vodka from now on.
I have decided that I spend too much time hating things that I can't control.
I have decided to turn my stereo on very loud when I am away from home to annoy my downstairs neighbor every day.
I have also decided to shred any mail of his that comes to me by mistake.
I have decided that I am going to take some drugs this Halloween.
I have decided not to go dressed as Napoleon Dynamite.
I have decided that when my wife says. "I don't like men with big muscles," she is just lying to make me feel better about myself.
I have decided that it is wrong to stuff my dog inside a pillowcase and swing him around simply because I find it amusing. In the future this will only be done in an emergency situation.
I have decided to stop asking people "How you doing?" If I really don't give crap how they're doing.
I have decided not to trust Blogger's Spellchecker.
That's all for now.
I have decided that if somebody steps into the intersection at night wearing dark clothing and I hit them I am going to drive on and place all the blame on natural selection.
I have decided that I am only going to drink top shelf quality vodka from now on.
I have decided that I spend too much time hating things that I can't control.
I have decided to turn my stereo on very loud when I am away from home to annoy my downstairs neighbor every day.
I have also decided to shred any mail of his that comes to me by mistake.
I have decided that I am going to take some drugs this Halloween.
I have decided not to go dressed as Napoleon Dynamite.
I have decided that when my wife says. "I don't like men with big muscles," she is just lying to make me feel better about myself.
I have decided that it is wrong to stuff my dog inside a pillowcase and swing him around simply because I find it amusing. In the future this will only be done in an emergency situation.
I have decided to stop asking people "How you doing?" If I really don't give crap how they're doing.
I have decided not to trust Blogger's Spellchecker.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Hail to the Chief
The President of the United States Likes Black People! Well, he does!
Now a Slice of Life with George and Laura Bush
Laura Bush: "You know, George and I both feel that colored people such as yourself are a vital part of America."
Dubya: "That's right. In fact we just hired us a nice negro-colored girl at the Crawford Ranch. She gets the laundry all white and bright. And I think she puts like a fabric softener. Smells nice too."
Food Bank Worker: Um...
Laura Bush: "You see America is much like the pots you use here in your kitchen. It's where all the different kinds of people or "ingredients" mix together to make a more diverse and interesting recipe."
Dubya: "You know, I think whatever it is you do here at the Food Bank is great. I think food and black people go real well together. My family has always been a friend to the Negroes. In fact, anytime we had pancakes we always used Aunt Jemima maple syrup."
Food Bank Worker: "Well, uh... that's not really--"
Dubya: "And your children. I even care about your beautiful children. Cuz ta me, I see both little white kids and niglets as an important part of our future."
Hail to the Chief!
Now a Slice of Life with George and Laura Bush
Laura Bush: "You know, George and I both feel that colored people such as yourself are a vital part of America."
Dubya: "That's right. In fact we just hired us a nice negro-colored girl at the Crawford Ranch. She gets the laundry all white and bright. And I think she puts like a fabric softener. Smells nice too."
Food Bank Worker: Um...
Laura Bush: "You see America is much like the pots you use here in your kitchen. It's where all the different kinds of people or "ingredients" mix together to make a more diverse and interesting recipe."
Dubya: "You know, I think whatever it is you do here at the Food Bank is great. I think food and black people go real well together. My family has always been a friend to the Negroes. In fact, anytime we had pancakes we always used Aunt Jemima maple syrup."
Food Bank Worker: "Well, uh... that's not really--"
Dubya: "And your children. I even care about your beautiful children. Cuz ta me, I see both little white kids and niglets as an important part of our future."
Hail to the Chief!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Disaster, Fungus AND Parasite?
I wholeheartedly agree with that statement about Prez-A-dent Dubya.
This is why a simple presidential written exam could have saved our nation from such a tragedy. Even if he eventually figured out what the pencil was for, and how to use it he never would have gotten past the essay portion.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I like it Raw.
Now I don't normally just put up a link to somebody else's website to entertain you fine, pillars of society. However, when frenetic masturbation leaves the muscles in my hands in crippling agony, my fingers unable to type, and my soul emotionally exhausted, I do. Please enjoy the link below.
Warm Regards,
Krankiboy
(dictated but not read)
Everything You'll Never Need to Know About Sushi*
* Soon to be a Major Motion Picture
Warm Regards,
Krankiboy
(dictated but not read)
Everything You'll Never Need to Know About Sushi*
* Soon to be a Major Motion Picture
Breakfast of Champions
I bought 200 hundred of these at the beginning of summer. 2 packs for 6 dollars. That's a deal. I would have bought adult diapers if they were priced that low. Yes yummy, frozen Otter Pops. I usually have two a day. For some reason they cause me to cough everytime I eat them. Perhaps my body is trying to reject the artificial flavors. They are very sugary sweet. There is no good reason to eat them yet I do because they're called Otter Pops. It's the same reason I eat Tofu Pups. They don't taste all that great, but gosh, what a cute name.
Still not a fan? Well prepare to rock out with the Otter Popstars.
Perhaps I'm trying to recapture my childhood innocence. No wait... I never had them as a kid because my mom would do things like get me a carob Easter bunny and tell me "it's just like chocolate, but good for you." Hear me now people! Carob is not at all like chocolate. Biting into what I thought would be a rich milk chocolate bunny ear and instead getting... Well, it scarred me for life. The adult equivelent would be promising your friend a date with Angelina Jolie or Tyra Banks and then have Nancy Reagan or Bea Arthur show up instead. Carob is evil. Carob is wrong. Carob is a crime against humanity. Carob is a culinary horror movie with no survivors. In fact first thing tomorrow I am going to call my mom up and demand to know why she committed a perverse act of pure cruelty on her one and only beloved baby boy.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Rude Awakening
So I'm having a perfectly normal dream that I am a superhero puppet battling puppet bad guys and that I live in a ramshackle house filled with kittens. Then as the final bad guy and Ninja Puppet appears and I am about to fight him my dog Freckle Dick leaps onto the bed nearly landing on my face.
I freaked out and told him to get off the bed. He wouldn't move so I shoved him off. He got back on and stood on my chest. Then Ass Breath flanks me from the other side and they both begin to nudge me with their snouts. Not just your usual doggie nuzzling they meant serious business and these two dogs who total 55 lbs nearly knocked me off the bed. It was as if their dog god had commanded them to topple me.
So I took them out for a walk sprayed water on the plants in the yard that looked particularly brown. They did their dog business. I must have been grouchy because I considered tossing the stinky love nuggets over the wall to the next black over. I had a fleeting image of a woman sunbathing and enjoying a strawberry daquiri on a gorgeous day and then suddenly being pelted in the mouth with a flying turd. I decided it's not cool to rain fecal fury on one's neighbors. I know I wouldn't want my sunbathing daquiri time interrupted.
So does it make me a bad person because I considered doing it? Or, does it make me a good person for showing restraint and respect for my fellow man/imaginary chick in a bikini?
Be honest. I can take it.
I freaked out and told him to get off the bed. He wouldn't move so I shoved him off. He got back on and stood on my chest. Then Ass Breath flanks me from the other side and they both begin to nudge me with their snouts. Not just your usual doggie nuzzling they meant serious business and these two dogs who total 55 lbs nearly knocked me off the bed. It was as if their dog god had commanded them to topple me.
So I took them out for a walk sprayed water on the plants in the yard that looked particularly brown. They did their dog business. I must have been grouchy because I considered tossing the stinky love nuggets over the wall to the next black over. I had a fleeting image of a woman sunbathing and enjoying a strawberry daquiri on a gorgeous day and then suddenly being pelted in the mouth with a flying turd. I decided it's not cool to rain fecal fury on one's neighbors. I know I wouldn't want my sunbathing daquiri time interrupted.
So does it make me a bad person because I considered doing it? Or, does it make me a good person for showing restraint and respect for my fellow man/imaginary chick in a bikini?
Be honest. I can take it.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
The Good the Blog and the Ugly
It's particularly hard to blog when you are depressed. At least it is for me. I think the only thing that might cheer me up today is having my own Krankiboy action figure. It's always been a dream of mine to be a piece of plastic that some little kid plays with. I imagine that some little boy would traumatize his sister by putting the action figure into a compromising position with her Barbie doll. Yes, my therapist has very solid job security.
My friend had himself put onto a superhero trading card, with all his powers and superhero origin info. It sounds like a cool Gen X thing to have for a business card. I don't remember where he got it.
I blatantly stole some more crap from the mega pet store and afterwards Penny scolded me. I tend not to give a shit about rules and regulations when I am in a crap mood.
Last night I had this dream in which I was supervising some young kids on a camp out in the woods. A few pre-teen students were also on the field trip. One of the kids was being troublesome and annoying the younger kids. Then he had a double-sided axe and he hurled it straight up hundreds of feet in the air. It was clearly going to land on somebody. That's when I woke up to see Penny had been watching me sleep. As I woke up I kicked my knee out and muttered "I'm gone fucking kill him." Apparently I sometimes do this little twitching thing in my sleep and talk and flail a bit. Penny says that she likes to watch me and actually thinks that it's "adorable." Kind of like when dogs are in a deep sleep and they flick their paws and scrunch their nose and give a few feint little woofs. Basically they look like they're dreaming about chasing a rabbit.
So that makes me believe that if dogs can dream then they must be able to think. Science hasn't fully accepted this notion. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they need to study my dogs in a complex experiment. Then my dogs would at least be helping to bring in some money and pay the rent. All that canine energy and they can't even help me carry the groceries up the stairs.
I'm being picked up to get dinner and watch live boxing at the Staples Center and will likely be fed an expensive meal. I'm sure if I can shake off this malaise it'll be a great night out. But right now I'd really just like to have a nice restful sleep and dream that I'm in a lush field chasing rabbits.
It's okay, I don't understand my blog posts anymore either.
My friend had himself put onto a superhero trading card, with all his powers and superhero origin info. It sounds like a cool Gen X thing to have for a business card. I don't remember where he got it.
I blatantly stole some more crap from the mega pet store and afterwards Penny scolded me. I tend not to give a shit about rules and regulations when I am in a crap mood.
Last night I had this dream in which I was supervising some young kids on a camp out in the woods. A few pre-teen students were also on the field trip. One of the kids was being troublesome and annoying the younger kids. Then he had a double-sided axe and he hurled it straight up hundreds of feet in the air. It was clearly going to land on somebody. That's when I woke up to see Penny had been watching me sleep. As I woke up I kicked my knee out and muttered "I'm gone fucking kill him." Apparently I sometimes do this little twitching thing in my sleep and talk and flail a bit. Penny says that she likes to watch me and actually thinks that it's "adorable." Kind of like when dogs are in a deep sleep and they flick their paws and scrunch their nose and give a few feint little woofs. Basically they look like they're dreaming about chasing a rabbit.
So that makes me believe that if dogs can dream then they must be able to think. Science hasn't fully accepted this notion. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they need to study my dogs in a complex experiment. Then my dogs would at least be helping to bring in some money and pay the rent. All that canine energy and they can't even help me carry the groceries up the stairs.
I'm being picked up to get dinner and watch live boxing at the Staples Center and will likely be fed an expensive meal. I'm sure if I can shake off this malaise it'll be a great night out. But right now I'd really just like to have a nice restful sleep and dream that I'm in a lush field chasing rabbits.
It's okay, I don't understand my blog posts anymore either.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Hello Planet Earth!
I have always wondered who the vast majority of my blog readers are. Some of you I have had the pleasure of bantering with, some I have spoken to on the phone, some I've met in person and three of you were kind enough to let me eat whipped cream off your tummies.
But who are the rest of the fine men, women and children with discerning taste enough read my blog?
Well I have no fucking clue. But I have a new feature that allows me to see where the readers are coming from. I had no idea that the Khronicles had such a wide international circulation. People from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to Riyah, Saudia Arabia, Portugal, Sri Lanka, all the way round the world to my delightfully warped Australian friends. I have said it before but it is still my dream to one day be the David Hasselhoff of Melbourne. This Christmas I shall be spanning the globe stopping at the home of anybody who will have me. No, just Australia. But damn would that be a strange adventure if I did try to visit everyone. It would make a damn fine book or documentary film.
It would either be called Attack of the Blog People or Around the World in Kranki Days
The last 100 readers locations are shown below. Don't foget to look at #69 and say "Where the fuck is that?" Oh and feel free to giggle when you read # 28 on the list. I will never be able to think of Georgia quite the same way again.
1)
Austria
Graz, Steiermark
2
United States
Downey, California
3
United States
Atlanta, Georgia
4
Australia
Woodville, South Australia
5
Australia
6
Australia
Blacktown, New South Wales
7
United States
Los Angeles, California
8
Australia
9
Australia
10
Sri Lanka
11
South Africa
Cape Town, Western Cape
12
Saudi Arabia
Riyadh, Ar Riyad
13
United States
Medford, Oregon
14
United States
Dayton, Ohio
15
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
16
United States
Saint Louis, Missouri
17
Australia
Fitzroy, Victoria
18
United States
Harrison, Arkansas
19
Australia
20
Australia
Cammeray, New South Wales
21
United States
Columbia, Maryland
22
United States
Huntington Beach, California
23
Australia
Canberra, Australian Capital Territory
24
Canada
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
25
Australia
26
Australia
27
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
28
United States
Cumming, Georgia
29
Australia
Narre Warren North, Victoria
30
United States
New York
31
United States
Grove City, Pennsylvania
32
United States
Valencia, Pennsylvania
33
United States
Brooklyn, New York
34
New Zealand
Wellington
35
United States
Dekalb, Illinois
36
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
37
United States
Los Angeles, California
38
United States
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
39
United States
Greendale, Wisconsin
40
United States
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
41
Canada
Edmonton, Alberta
42
United States
Livingston, Wisconsin
43
Australia
44
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
45
United States
Penfield, New York
46
United States
Modesto, California
47
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
48
United States
Downey, California
49
United States
50
United States
Orem, Utah
51
United States
San Diego, California
52
United States
53
Australia
54
United States
Beverly Hills, California
55
Mexico
Tijuana, Baja California
56
United States
Omaha, Nebraska
57
Australia
58
Canada
Saint John, New Brunswick
59
United States
Sunnyvale, California
60
United States
Buckner, Kentucky
61
United Kingdom
Leeds
62
United States
Beaufort, South Carolina
63
United States
Bonita Springs, Florida
64
United States
Canoga Park, California
65
United States
Lansing, Michigan
66
United States
Fremont, California
67
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
68
United States
Chicago, Illinois
69
United Kingdom
Stoke-on-Trent
70
United States
Alexandria, Minnesota
71
United States
Rogers, Minnesota
72
United States
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
73
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria
74
Australia
75
United States
Tucson, Arizona
76
Barbados
Brittons Hill, Saint Michael
77
Australia
Parramatta, New South Wales
78
United Kingdom
Reading
79
Australia
Mortlake, New South Wales
80
United States
Everett, Washington
81
United States
Mclean, Virginia
82
Australia
Lindfield, New South Wales
83
United States
84
United Kingdom
Ipswich, Suffolk
85
Australia
86
United States
New Hyde Park, New York
87
Australia
88
United States
Los Alamos, California
89
United States
Orangeburg, South Carolina
90
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
91
United States
Middletown, New Jersey
92
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
93
United States
Winston-salem, North Carolina
94
United States
Mount Morris, Michigan
95
Portugal
Lisbon, Lisboa
96
United States
Tucson, Arizona
97
United States
Arlington, Texas
98
United States
Devils Lake, North Dakota
99
United States
Mastic, New York
100
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria
I love you all. Nobody more than my first blog love... Ms Fits. The rest of you can take what's left of my affection, split it up 700 ways, put it on the tip of your tongue, and suck it.
You make the act of sitting in front of a computer and rambling about nonsense worthwhile. If it weren't for you I'd get so much more done in a day. For that I humbly thank you.
Let's all hold hands and sing!
But who are the rest of the fine men, women and children with discerning taste enough read my blog?
Well I have no fucking clue. But I have a new feature that allows me to see where the readers are coming from. I had no idea that the Khronicles had such a wide international circulation. People from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to Riyah, Saudia Arabia, Portugal, Sri Lanka, all the way round the world to my delightfully warped Australian friends. I have said it before but it is still my dream to one day be the David Hasselhoff of Melbourne. This Christmas I shall be spanning the globe stopping at the home of anybody who will have me. No, just Australia. But damn would that be a strange adventure if I did try to visit everyone. It would make a damn fine book or documentary film.
It would either be called Attack of the Blog People or Around the World in Kranki Days
The last 100 readers locations are shown below. Don't foget to look at #69 and say "Where the fuck is that?" Oh and feel free to giggle when you read # 28 on the list. I will never be able to think of Georgia quite the same way again.
1)
Austria
Graz, Steiermark
2
United States
Downey, California
3
United States
Atlanta, Georgia
4
Australia
Woodville, South Australia
5
Australia
6
Australia
Blacktown, New South Wales
7
United States
Los Angeles, California
8
Australia
9
Australia
10
Sri Lanka
11
South Africa
Cape Town, Western Cape
12
Saudi Arabia
Riyadh, Ar Riyad
13
United States
Medford, Oregon
14
United States
Dayton, Ohio
15
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
16
United States
Saint Louis, Missouri
17
Australia
Fitzroy, Victoria
18
United States
Harrison, Arkansas
19
Australia
20
Australia
Cammeray, New South Wales
21
United States
Columbia, Maryland
22
United States
Huntington Beach, California
23
Australia
Canberra, Australian Capital Territory
24
Canada
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
25
Australia
26
Australia
27
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
28
United States
Cumming, Georgia
29
Australia
Narre Warren North, Victoria
30
United States
New York
31
United States
Grove City, Pennsylvania
32
United States
Valencia, Pennsylvania
33
United States
Brooklyn, New York
34
New Zealand
Wellington
35
United States
Dekalb, Illinois
36
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
37
United States
Los Angeles, California
38
United States
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
39
United States
Greendale, Wisconsin
40
United States
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
41
Canada
Edmonton, Alberta
42
United States
Livingston, Wisconsin
43
Australia
44
Canada
Toronto, Ontario
45
United States
Penfield, New York
46
United States
Modesto, California
47
Australia
Sydney, New South Wales
48
United States
Downey, California
49
United States
50
United States
Orem, Utah
51
United States
San Diego, California
52
United States
53
Australia
54
United States
Beverly Hills, California
55
Mexico
Tijuana, Baja California
56
United States
Omaha, Nebraska
57
Australia
58
Canada
Saint John, New Brunswick
59
United States
Sunnyvale, California
60
United States
Buckner, Kentucky
61
United Kingdom
Leeds
62
United States
Beaufort, South Carolina
63
United States
Bonita Springs, Florida
64
United States
Canoga Park, California
65
United States
Lansing, Michigan
66
United States
Fremont, California
67
Australia
Perth, Western Australia
68
United States
Chicago, Illinois
69
United Kingdom
Stoke-on-Trent
70
United States
Alexandria, Minnesota
71
United States
Rogers, Minnesota
72
United States
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
73
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria
74
Australia
75
United States
Tucson, Arizona
76
Barbados
Brittons Hill, Saint Michael
77
Australia
Parramatta, New South Wales
78
United Kingdom
Reading
79
Australia
Mortlake, New South Wales
80
United States
Everett, Washington
81
United States
Mclean, Virginia
82
Australia
Lindfield, New South Wales
83
United States
84
United Kingdom
Ipswich, Suffolk
85
Australia
86
United States
New Hyde Park, New York
87
Australia
88
United States
Los Alamos, California
89
United States
Orangeburg, South Carolina
90
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
91
United States
Middletown, New Jersey
92
United States
Las Vegas, Nevada
93
United States
Winston-salem, North Carolina
94
United States
Mount Morris, Michigan
95
Portugal
Lisbon, Lisboa
96
United States
Tucson, Arizona
97
United States
Arlington, Texas
98
United States
Devils Lake, North Dakota
99
United States
Mastic, New York
100
Australia
Melbourne, Victoria
I love you all. Nobody more than my first blog love... Ms Fits. The rest of you can take what's left of my affection, split it up 700 ways, put it on the tip of your tongue, and suck it.
You make the act of sitting in front of a computer and rambling about nonsense worthwhile. If it weren't for you I'd get so much more done in a day. For that I humbly thank you.
Let's all hold hands and sing!
Fuck You Antarctica!
What's wrong with those fuckers in Antarctica?
They won't join the United Nations and they don't want to read the Krankiboy Khronicles? Elitest snobs. I don't mean to sound prejudiced here but I have always hated the Antarcticans.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Eric Bana, Van Morrison, and Why Pants are Evil!
The only thing more annoying than blogging a review about a movie you've seen is blogging about a movie that was only mildly new and exciting four months ago.
Just watched Troy on cable for the second time. Go ahead, mock me. You can call me a fan of homoeroticism masquerading as manly violence. Actually no, don't do that. It could unravel years of therapy.
So do I like gladiator movies?* Yes.
Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Yes.
So my friend gave me some copies of UNCUT magazine so I'd have something to do between my flashes of deviant brilliance, catatonic sleeping and walking my dogs.
At first I naturally assumed, just like you did, that Uncut Magazine was devoted exclusively to men who had not been circumsized and their foreskin exploits. Not so. It's a rock n' roll mag.
I saw this in the stack and wondered what Eric Bana was doing on the cover of a music magazine.
Does it not look like Eric Bana?
The nose is slightly off but I find the similarity to be quite remarkable. Look at the eyes. Eerie.
If Bana does play Van Morrison in some movie, I think I deserve at least 25% of any profits and 50% of the Van Morrison action figures.
Damn, Rock n' Roll action figures. That's fucking brilliant. I think I need to take a nap after that fabulous brainstorm.
And both Van Morrison and Eric Bana look a bit like my official Rocktographer and Aussie mate. I know what you're saying... all white people look alike. Well that's narrowminded of you, you Cracker-hating Honkey-bashers.
Also have you kids seen ROME on HBO? That is some quality television. You get your Blood, Guts, Politics, Tits, Ass and you learn a bit about history. It's a tad more engaging than when we read Shakespeare's Julias Ceasar back in fifth grade.
But I do think they should do the show ROME in the original Latin and use subtitles to add to the authenticity. Let's face it everybody loves Latin. Latin is the new French. All the retro things come back and I think it would be foolish no to jump on the Latin band wagon.
So, Carpe Diem, E Pluribus Unum and Caviot Emptor!
Go ahead correct my Latin spelling. I know that gets you kiddies all hot and bothered in the pants region. Also, since I mentioned pants, I would like to go on record and say that when it's over 90 degrees out wearing pants is simply stupid. Nobody likes a sweaty crotch.
See skirts are cool. Why can't men wear skirts? Fucking North American fashion double standard. What the fuck was this post about again?
* That was a reference to the movie Airplane for all you ignorant youngsters.
Just watched Troy on cable for the second time. Go ahead, mock me. You can call me a fan of homoeroticism masquerading as manly violence. Actually no, don't do that. It could unravel years of therapy.
So do I like gladiator movies?* Yes.
Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Yes.
So my friend gave me some copies of UNCUT magazine so I'd have something to do between my flashes of deviant brilliance, catatonic sleeping and walking my dogs.
At first I naturally assumed, just like you did, that Uncut Magazine was devoted exclusively to men who had not been circumsized and their foreskin exploits. Not so. It's a rock n' roll mag.
I saw this in the stack and wondered what Eric Bana was doing on the cover of a music magazine.
Does it not look like Eric Bana?
The nose is slightly off but I find the similarity to be quite remarkable. Look at the eyes. Eerie.
If Bana does play Van Morrison in some movie, I think I deserve at least 25% of any profits and 50% of the Van Morrison action figures.
Damn, Rock n' Roll action figures. That's fucking brilliant. I think I need to take a nap after that fabulous brainstorm.
And both Van Morrison and Eric Bana look a bit like my official Rocktographer and Aussie mate. I know what you're saying... all white people look alike. Well that's narrowminded of you, you Cracker-hating Honkey-bashers.
Also have you kids seen ROME on HBO? That is some quality television. You get your Blood, Guts, Politics, Tits, Ass and you learn a bit about history. It's a tad more engaging than when we read Shakespeare's Julias Ceasar back in fifth grade.
But I do think they should do the show ROME in the original Latin and use subtitles to add to the authenticity. Let's face it everybody loves Latin. Latin is the new French. All the retro things come back and I think it would be foolish no to jump on the Latin band wagon.
So, Carpe Diem, E Pluribus Unum and Caviot Emptor!
Go ahead correct my Latin spelling. I know that gets you kiddies all hot and bothered in the pants region. Also, since I mentioned pants, I would like to go on record and say that when it's over 90 degrees out wearing pants is simply stupid. Nobody likes a sweaty crotch.
See skirts are cool. Why can't men wear skirts? Fucking North American fashion double standard. What the fuck was this post about again?
* That was a reference to the movie Airplane for all you ignorant youngsters.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
The Cute Challenge
There are plenty of cute pictures out there but I defy you to find anything more adorable that this little soldier of www.Kittenwar.com
You just try and show me something more adorable. I challenge you. I would stab two nuns and an angel through the heart with a rusty spoon just to get this fella a saucer of cream.
You just try and show me something more adorable. I challenge you. I would stab two nuns and an angel through the heart with a rusty spoon just to get this fella a saucer of cream.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Mass Destruction & Mass Retardation
I am up late reading up on the madness that is taking place in Louisiana.
Thank goodness the President made an address to calm the nation.
PrezAdent: "We gotta conserve. If you don't need gas then don't buy it."
We're in good hands people.
So looting, raping and shooting at military and medical people. I don't know about looting and raping. But I'd probably shoot at them too if it had been 4 days of living next to a giant septic tank with babies dying, no food or water or promised busses. And now police in those areas are turning in their badges in record numbers.
I feel sympathy for the people who have lost everything. I do. However, when you know a devastating 150 mph storm is coming towards you for several days and there is a statewide evacuation and it's been less than a year after a Tsunami ripped through the Pacific killing over half a million people... Unless you're a baby or a pet I have to ask why didn't you get the fuck out?
Don't worry, the Prezadent is gonna fly over in a plane again to survey the damage a second time.
Isn't that like the fuckwads who see an accident on the road and slow down to see if there are any dead bodies but don't get out to help.
Until I see Bush wearing hip boots and handing out bottles of Evian water to the refugees he can go fuck himself.
And anybody who takes advantage of a crisis to steal, rape, or hurt others should be ground up, cooked and eaten.
It will be interesting to see who gets rich off of this human tragedy. Bush cut short his stay at his Texas Ranch two days after the storm hit. Too little, too late. That pretty much sums up the federal response to the disaster.
Now, thanks to my friend Molly, I offer some visual distraction from the insanity.
http://catsinsinks.com/
Thank goodness the President made an address to calm the nation.
PrezAdent: "We gotta conserve. If you don't need gas then don't buy it."
We're in good hands people.
So looting, raping and shooting at military and medical people. I don't know about looting and raping. But I'd probably shoot at them too if it had been 4 days of living next to a giant septic tank with babies dying, no food or water or promised busses. And now police in those areas are turning in their badges in record numbers.
I feel sympathy for the people who have lost everything. I do. However, when you know a devastating 150 mph storm is coming towards you for several days and there is a statewide evacuation and it's been less than a year after a Tsunami ripped through the Pacific killing over half a million people... Unless you're a baby or a pet I have to ask why didn't you get the fuck out?
Don't worry, the Prezadent is gonna fly over in a plane again to survey the damage a second time.
Isn't that like the fuckwads who see an accident on the road and slow down to see if there are any dead bodies but don't get out to help.
Until I see Bush wearing hip boots and handing out bottles of Evian water to the refugees he can go fuck himself.
And anybody who takes advantage of a crisis to steal, rape, or hurt others should be ground up, cooked and eaten.
It will be interesting to see who gets rich off of this human tragedy. Bush cut short his stay at his Texas Ranch two days after the storm hit. Too little, too late. That pretty much sums up the federal response to the disaster.
Now, thanks to my friend Molly, I offer some visual distraction from the insanity.
http://catsinsinks.com/
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