For Your Safety

More from my main man Ron. I think he's sweet on me.

Krankiboy, following is a story how the Pretender Voice Changer was used. At the end of the story, you will find a bonus offer just for you.
(Wow, for me and me alone? I am special! Yay! Mother was right!)

Bleary-eyed, Casey strolled in to the office, clutching a cup of coffee. She almost stumbled over her friend Jen at the elevator. "I'm so sorry," Casey apologized, "This guy keeps calling me at three in the morning. Every night, he tries to tell me these nasty things. I keep hoping he'll stop, but he doesn't! "Jen clucked, "I bet the phone company said they couldn't do anything about it, huh?" "Yeah," Casey exclaimed, "since he's not actually threatening me, and he's blocking his caller ID, they're helpless. They actually told me to turn off my ringer. I can't do that! What if there's an emergency when the kids are at their dad's?" "The same thing happened to me last year," whispered Jen. "Wanna know how I got rid of the guy?" Jen told Casey how her old college roommate told her about thePretender Voice Changer. She loved her new apartment, but wasn't so crazy about the neighborhood. Since the voice changer made itsound like a burly man lived at her place, she thought it would be perfect if someone buzzed her doorbell late at night."Instead," Jen said, "this jerk starts calling my number ALL THE TIME. I'd get messages from him all day long, but I don't think he had the guts to actually call me at night. So I took a personal day, got myself a good book and settled in next to the phone." "So what happened," asked Casey."Sure enough, the guy calls," Jen said, " and I answer, "Hello, this is Mark.'"Casey gasped, "what did he do?" "He just gulped and said he had the wrong number," Jen replied. Casey puzzled, "the guy didn't know you were a woman?" "He had no clue," exclaimed Jen, "because it sounds so real. I've got it on my answering machine, if you want to hear it." Jen whipped out her cell phone and dialed her home number, handing the phone to Casey as it rang. When the machine pickedup, Casey's eyes bulged with surprise."No way," Casey gasped. "There's no way that's your voice. You sound like a guy!" "It's great," Jen confessed, "though I did have to explain to my Mom why some guy was answering my phone. But it gets better. The guy called back one more time." "What'd you do?" asked Casey?" This time, I pressed the button that made it sound like I had a baby crying in the background," giggled Jen. "I switched on my male voice and told him that I'd better not find the guy that woke up my kid. I swear I heard him drop the phone, he tried to hang up so fast!" "That's it," cried Casey. "You've got to tell me where you got that thing."

For your safety, Ron

Once again, it is obviously a 100% authentic story, but I have some questions.
www.a1safetyproducts.com P.S. kranki, you can get a Pretender Voice Changer just like Jen's by visiting: www.a1safetyproducts.com/prvoch.html. We have the Pretender Voice Changer on sale for only $48.30! P.P.S. If you order the Pretender within the next five days, I will give you a FREE Electronic Pocket/Keychain whistle...a $15.95 value. Just mention FREE Electronic Pocket/Keychainwhistle in the comments box when you check out. Don't forget...if you don't mention FREE Electronic Pocket/Keychain whistle we won't know to send it to you. Click here to be removed from this list:

(And if you don't tell us to go fuck ourselves with our crappy-ass lame-o product when won't know to do it.)

What's sadder than this feeble Promotional Attempt is the fact that I already own the stupid thing. Yes, it was going to be a fun gag gift from my father in law who is a practical joker of the highest order. Alas it was too crappy to even use as a gag gift. So I have for eight months already watching it collect dust. Does it work as well as they say? Fuck no. It's a piece of garbage. I think my dogs could build something better with fish innards and balsa wood. It is this crappy little piece of plastic thing that was probably state of the art when Lincoln was President.

If you talk into one side very loudly it will make you sound like a Cylon Warrior from Battlestar Glactica. Although I imagine this could deter some pervert would stop calling you up to heavy breath into the phone. As for the button that makes it sound like there is a baby crying in the back ground... it sounds more like a robot chipmunk puking. Let me testify to the fact that if you wish to scare away callers by pretending to be a Cylon Warrior from Battestar Glactica then this is the device for you. Very authentic. However if your mystery caller happens to like Sci-Fi or has a vomiting rodent fetish (which from my experience most do mystery callers do) then I very highly recommend that you not purchase this product. It would be a perfectly good waste of a 9 Volt battery that could get put to much better if it were thrown from the top of a tall building.

Tangent Warning: I always heard that "if you drop a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go right through a person's entire body. I always wondered if that was actually true. Would it go through skull and bone?

You: Yes, krankiboy. I'll let you know the+
next time I'm in New York and feel like raining coins of charity on pedestrians.

Me: (not grasping sarcasm) Cool!

Oh and listen to both this & this from the Battlestar Galactica Fan Site.

I think those are about all the pearls of brilliance I can spare for now. Lemme just double check....
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Yup.