Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Korporate Kranki

I have been panicked at not yet having a teaching gig for the Fall, so my friend Mr. Liquid set me up with an interview at the company where he just got promoted. They download content for stuff that goes on cell phones. Ring tones, games, pornographic screen savers, the usual.

I considered doing an entire post about my interview where the dialogue was taken completely out of context so it would sound all heated n' sexy, which is wasn't.

"I'm so sorry I kept you waiting." "Okay, this is good. Let's do it in here." "Mmmm... this looks really impressive." "I'll call you soon."

But I didn't think I could sustain such a wacky* bit.

I have never had an interview with somebody who was both younger than me and had a nose ring. I guess it's casual corporate. The interview went well as I bull-shitted my way through the reasons that I wanted to work in "whatever the fuck they do exactly" and why I'd be good for the position.

Apparently the layer of crap I spread was thick and sticky enough to hold together the bricks of bullshit that I used to build my house of lies.

Shelly, the interview lady... girl... chick-- whatever called me later that very afternoon to offer me the job. And I happily declined.

I have decided to keep on plugging and looking for a teaching job for September so that my masters degree and teaching credential are good for more than wiping me arse. Sorry, I lapsed into Pirate-talk for a moment there. I'm better now. Mainly I want to have little kids around to keep me entertained and a place I can fill up with plants, animals and weird insects. I really do enjoy teaching and this job would have been a step backwards.

Still, I have to say, although I didn't take it, it feels good to be offered a job. Perhaps if it had benefits, didn't sound really boring, and they let me keep hamsters and preying mantids at my desk I might have considered it.

Yarr! Avast ye scurvy dogs! I'll pillage yer coffers crack yer head like a cackle fruit and use me cutlass to kiss you off to Davy Jones' Locker. Arrr.

Damn, I'd better talk to my doctor about increasing the dosage on my anti-pirate medicine. Maybe I just need to have a nice clap of thunder and crack Jenny's teacup to raise the sail on me mizzenmast.

This is addictive.

I'll scuttle your poop deck and broadside your spanker with me six-pounders!

Here be a Pirate Glossary fer land lubbers
(go on me hearty, you know you want to)

* More stupid than funny.


earthquake heart said...

Don't forget that International Talk Like A Pirate Day is just over a month away!


MelbourneGirl said...

argh very noice me hearrrty

oi loike this one:

grog blossom - A redness on the nose or face of persons who drink ardent spirits to excess.

makes it sound almost attractive



"ardent spirits"

also "booty" is there, meaning treasure...

it needs to be reversed to you know like french-english and english-french, so pirate-english, english-pirate, so you can look up the english, such as goodbye, and then find the pirate for it

i couldnt' find goodbye

Wende said...

Ahh... feel your pain. In my house we call that "Over Educated and Under Employed."

And Yes, we talk with Capitals. :)

kranki said...

I don't think pirates ever need to say good-bye. They just kill you and take your stuff or take you hostage.

You have put this cracked idea for a short fiction piece in my head. It would be entitled... "The Gentle Pirate"

www.yarr.org.uk - sweet!

giggles said...

As the person who got Krankiboy this interview, I would like to note that it was a temp job that very likely would not have lasted past October and he could have quit at any time prior to then without repurcussions. So it wouldn't have been THAT big a step backwards. I myself am a grad student and only work here to pay my rent while I finish school. Then I'll (hopefully) move onto doing something I really want to do.

For the record, I also think he made the right decision here. He probably would have been bored. I only suggested he apply because I know he's stressed sitting around the house while not earning any income.

la nadine said...

i'm not very good at making with the pirate talk.

but please to be calling me scarlet: strumpet of the sea from now on.

its my sea wench name.

i even have a business card.

kranki said...

First of all Mr. Liquid got me the interview.

Second of all, you have a sweet medical plan and get paid pretty decent compared to where I'd be starting off.

Thirdly, nobody is judging you or your job. This is the Krankiboy Khronicles not the Giggles Gazette. So unless you intend to buy ad-space here, get your own blog.

4th-ly don't think you can muscle in on all my brilliant, hottie, witty, charming female readers.

*Puffs chest*

*Imitates Male Silverback Gorilla*

*Scares off interloper*

BEVIS said...

I've been a 'member' of "Talk Like A Pirate Day" for years now - and it's turned me into a fine piece of Pirating arse.

Also, the closest thing to 'goodbye' that a true Pirate would say is probably 'set sail' (as an order).

You'd have to take your cues from that.

Land ho!

(And I don't mean that in a yucky way.)

Jellyfish said...

I'll be Jolly Boat Jelly, then.

And massive hugs to Kranki for making such a hard decision. I KNOW you will get there. Like you, I look forward to the day when I get a class of small impressionable minds to (immesurably fuck up) shape and improve.

And my class will have Axolotyls a.k.a. Mexican Walking Fish, because they are just so damn FREAKY looking! Fabulous!

MelbourneGirl said...

arrrr, looking forward to the gentle pirate.

ye'd be a foine scallywag to be sure, ye'd best be smartly setting about ye task so ye can enter it in the yarr.org.uk pirate short story competition, ay, ay.

oi'll be back to me salmagundi now.
'ave a noice day!

p.arse. interloper is in the glossary

settin' sail now, me hearty