So I know that I have a tendency to get irate at things that normal* people might let slide but I'm Krankiboy, so suck it fuck and stick it in a bucket I'm ticked.
It's my downstairs neighbor. Every day three four five six times a day they leave their apartment, right. So you'd think they would learn how to do that properly after the first 175 times. No, the door slams and if you listen really carefully you can hear it from space. I live a lot closer than outer space and that shit is loud. Grenade on the Beaches of Normandie loud
Tonight I walked by the parking space that is supposed to be empty according to our landlord but that they always park in. It used to be our parking space but the downstairs neighbor who is a grown man and a retired police officer had his mother call our landlord to complain. Good communication skills fuckstain. Maybe mom should have stopped breastfeeding you once you got to high school.
Anyway, tonight I walked by the car parked in the driveway. It's his daughter's car. She is this skanky, I- know-i-have-baby-fat-but-I'm-going-to-show-my-mid-rif-anyway-so-maybe some-fratboy-will-let-me-blow-him-in-his-jeep-bitch. She always parks her car there. I swear to you, it took all my will power not to stop and urinate all over the car in a subtle but classy act of pissy protest.
Yes I know, I have issues.
*boring
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Fuckstain is now the #1 most used word in my vocabulary as of a minute ago.
I'm all for revenge, quiet and stinky is my preferred method, let me know if you need any tips.
I believe the baby fat you speak of is referred to as "Muffin Top". The amount of Muffin Top in our society has reached epedemic levels in recent years. Surely our governments are only days away from releasing a public service announcment on the matter? Surely.
Hey angela. I am open to your suggestions. I should mention that I have done the gob of spit under the car door handle and the somehow the dog crap got smeared on the back of my car.
I am considering ordering lots of magazine subscriptions delivered to his address. I am just afraid the junkmail will spill over to me and I don't like the idea of making junkmail.
Gregory Surlyboy: I'm not familiar with the term muffin top. It seems that there is a reason that the Pillsbury Doughboy doesn't wear a string bikini. Women of the world should follow his example and not simply eat his baked goods.
I think Germany has passed some anti-pudge legislation but I'll have to research further.
I'd be happy to help lobby for any Anti-Muffin Top legislation you put forth.
Angela I should have said that dog crap has mysteriously appeared on the back of the little Cunt-Kabob's car.
Okay, so here's some ideas.
Make sure the person will be home at a certain time. Call a bunch of services, like an exterminator, carpet seller, moving truck, plumber, etc, and make appointments for all these things with 10 minutes between each one, or all at the same time. That way all these people will show up at this apartment, and the guy won't know what's going on. Make sure you do *67 when you're calling though, so they don't get your number. Just tell the people you don't have a land line, and you're calling from work, and set up a fake email for them to contact you or something.
There's also a company that will ship various things, dog poo, dead fish, etc, anonymously to a person for under $20.
I'll try to find some links, and email you. I can't give away all my secrets here!
You could also get some fish or liver, and attach it somewhere permanent in the underneath of her - and/or his - car. Near the engine would be good, so that it cooks.
Within a week the smell will be driving them crazy and it's very hard to remove. Don't be putting it anywhere where the smell will affect you, though. And for crying out loud - don't get caught doing it!
My own specialty is in fact to hide two livers - one where they'll find it, and the other somewhere else close by, so that they think they've removed it and will ignore the smell for a while longer because they think it just needs to 'air out' for a while - and by the time they look a second time, the smell is so bad they can barely stand up!
I've done it a few times to great success. Usually it works best in a garage or something. Hide one in the beams of the roof, and the other somewhere more obvious like in the car somewhere.
And you could smear dog poo across their wipers before it rains. When they turns the wipers on, if the poo hasn't set already, they'll get a lovely smelly windscreen.
Can be dangerous, though, if they're driving in the rain and then can't see the road in front of them. Might solve your problem once-and-for-all, though.
Alternatively, simply unclip their windscreen wipers so that next time they turn them on, the rubber blades do no good. but the metal clips scratch the living crap out of the windscreen.
As with angela's idea of ordering a bunch of things to come to his door at once, make one a call to the cops for a domestic abuse report (stay anonymous, though!) and another a kinky escort order.
And call the local news with a 'hot tip' of a neighbourhood yahoo trying to hold people hostage in his apartment or something.
Don't get on my bad side.
Bevis: I now fear and respect you.
Who knew that such a creature lurked beneath your cheery little froggy icon....
Thank you for your comments... Mr. Bevis... sir.
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