Modern Indian Names

Hey. Sometimes a good bitch session can go a long way towards making you feel better. Especially when you cryptically fault find your friends on a semi-public forum and a bunch of them contact you to apologize for not writing you back sooner. Others will pretend that they never read the post and have "mysteriously" begun to revert back to they way they used to act towards you. So the expression about the squeaky wheel getting the oil has rung true. Although in this case ?whining and pouting like a sour-faced wuss baby? is more accurate than ?squeaky.?

I suppose that it?s all forgiven because I tell you up front that these are the chronicles of a cranky boy. Man, those two words look weird spelled with the letter ?c? and not a ?k.? Crap. Is the period supposed to go inside the quotes or outside? Somebody clear that up for me please. I don?t really know how to punctuate. It comes from so many years typing sitcom dialogue where you write it how you want it said. That?s why I am constantly using the?. you know? ellipse or as we shitcom writers like to call it the ?dot dot dot?.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was going to say that more people should be honest and upfront about themselves, embrace who they are and stop pretending to be something that they?re not. In fact we should all have more appropriate names that tell something more about us. Like Indian names do. They give you a sense of what the person is like.

If you are going to select somebody for the tribal council you are more likely to choose "Stone Tree" than "Runs from Thunder." Now go with me on this for a second. Wouldn?t it be better to have a name that means something. Instead of boring Doug Johnson you would have "Good with a Hammer." That tells me a fuck-load more than some bland-ass name that six-thousand other people have. Instead of Jennifer Andrews you?d have "Fiery Temper." Then Jennifer can feel free to be the royal bitch that the great spirit made her to be. With Modern Indian names you'd know what you should expect if you were to marry a man named "Humps Anything That Moves." Only "Couldn?t Care Less Cause She Just Married for the Money" or "Oblivious Whore" should consider dating him.

Happy marriages would also be easier to arrange. "Reads Many Books" wouldn?t end up married to Loves Professional Wrestling or Sits in the Dark and Drinks Whiskey, she?d be better off in a relationship with Always Playing Scrabble or Mad About Motzart.

Adjusts his Crotch in Public would know that Never Wears a Bra is the right girl for him. Avid Sex Toy User and Enjoys a Good Spanking would live happily ever after.

In fact, you would know that Complete Fucking Narcissist and It?s All About Me are probably going to forget your birthday again this year unless Loves Her Palm Pilot calls to remind them.

Drinks Like a Fish and Talks About Tits could be fun guys to hang out with, but you wouldn?t invite them to any important Thanksgiving meals with the family.

So you know my Modern Indian Name would be Cranky Like a Boy.

Give it up. What?s your Modern Indian Name? And if you have to tell us why it?s a good name for you? then it?s probably not a very good name.

Here are some more inspirational Modern Indian Names.

Prefers Plants to People
Takes it in the Ass
Lies About her Age
Big Fan of Hitler
Addicted to Semen