Alone and Kranki

Back in college I thought about making a list of my friends and ranking them from best to worst so everyone would know how good a job they are doing and where they rate. This would likely cause much more harm than good but every once in a while I get the urge.

The list would be placed someplace where any of my friends could see it.

Now I must preface what I am about to say with two statements.

1) I am not a great friend. I can forget birthdays, go for too long without calling to catch up or make plans. I will often give advice even when I am not asked for my input and then become annoyed when a friend doesn't do exactly what I told them to do.

2) This may not apply to you so don't panic and hire somebody to have me killed. That could be a senseless waste of your finances.

I would like to register the following Komplaints.

1) Friend A, B, C & D have not returned my emails in a very, very long time.

2) Friend E and I were supposed to be working on a project and really digging in but Friend E ran off with his girlfriend/lover. This is the second time this has happened.

3) Friend F has been emailling me every few months to tell me that he's sorry that he hasn't gotten to the animation he really wants to get to but hasn't had time.

5) Friend H and I (me) had a bit of a falling out a few months back but friend H and I (me) are doing well. I don't really have any complaints about friend H. Oh, he did promise to get me the Sanford and Son ring tone and has yet to deliver. So good that H & I (me) cleared the air.

6) Friend J has not returned my call and last I heard she was going through some serious depression and I did what I could to help her and be there and then she just dropped of the radar screen.

7) Friend K is a dear friend who i have not spoken to since she told me she was planning on moving back to Los Angeles. I didn't call her back for a long time and left a message apologizing for my behavior and I have not heard from her.

8) Friend L is incredibly self-conscious and doesn't seem to realize that she and I are in very different phases of our lives and that I don't really relate to all the things she says and her insecurity and... she gets annoyed with me because I don't make plans. But she talks too much about nothing and is a horrible listener who doesn't stop going on at length about things she has already told me. So that is one I am okay letting go of.

9) Friend M contacted me to let me know she would be in LA and then never responded when I tried to make plans with her. But she sent me a killer mix CD with a sweet handmade CD case. To me getting something in the mail shows extra effort points.

10) Friend O is very busy and hasn't gotten around to letting me know the specifics of her California visit plans. Actually this applies to two of my friends who I love dearly but haven't heard a peep from in quite some time.

There are many more formal complaints I could lodge with the Friendship Bureau, but the only thing that writing this down does is make me sad and frustrated and isolated. I feel stuck, because in most of these cases there is nothing I can really do to correct the situation. I feel like I have been making so much more of an effort than these friends of mine have. None of these instances of "flakiness" or "laziness" or disinterest would be all that bad as isolated events, but the fact that they are all happening at once is quite upsetting and the cumulative affect, plus some job-hunt stress made me start crying the other day. I just feel unsupported by so many people in my life right now and I wonder how many of these friendships that I value are going to get washed away for good. I wonder what more I can do to revive these relationships and nurture them. How do you pick and choose who you give your time to? I can't recall feeling this ignored and un-appreciated. I'm sorry if I contributed to the communication gap but in most of the situations I don't think that is the case. I know that nobody can be aware that there are currently several dozen other people who are letting me down and/or not taking time to respond to my efforts to connect with them. It makes me wonder why this is happening all at once. I think about the nature of friendship and I wonder if everybody has a friend because they give them something that they need, physical, emotional, material, whatever... Why do people become friends? Is it that they have a similar outlook on life? Common Interests? Shared experiences? Complementary senses of humor? I think of all the people who have been my close friends over the years and how those friendships just naturally faded away. I wonder if it's better not to care about other people so much that you get invested in them. It also makes me appreciate being married to an amazing woman. The beauty of marriage is that you agree to share your life together and grow together to stay friends and be there for the other person no matter what flavor of hot coffee life spills on your lap. Today I get what it is to be married. It is essentially best-friend insurance.

Normally it's cathartic to write down my feelings and express my thoughts in writing, but right now it's after 2AM I'm sitting at my computer and I feel weary and weak for even having these thoughts.